Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,

"This is no time to be superstitious."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property

Apparently, government officials don’t apply

There's a Friday the 13th this December

A nightmare before Christmas some may say

TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years

This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

You shouldn't be superstitious about Friday the 13th

It brings bad luck.

Fun Fact: Halloween falls on Friday the 13th this year

Go ahead dumbass, look it up

You've heard of Friday the 13th...

But what about the next day?
Pi Day the 14th: Irrational Fear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: no pun alert, I repeat: not a pun

A man from Serbia was working in Germany for about ten years now and he was getting nostalgic for his home country so he went to the boss and said to him: " Boss, I have been woking hard all of these years and I would like to have a 2 week vacation to return to Serbia". Boss approved his wish so he ...

I used to live in the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.

The first horse says: "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st."


The second horse sa...

"Did you know that Christmas day falls on a Friday this year?" said one blonde to another.

"Oh dear!!" her friend replied, "I hope it's not the 13th?"

The worst thing about Friday the 13th

Is monday the 16th

Did you hear than Hellen Keller is the 13th most influential person of all time.

Neither did she.

It's Friday 13th...

Thank my lucky stars that I'm not superstitious

A woman was in bed with her lover

When she heard her husband opening the front door “Quick! jump out the window”

"What?! the guy says, “we’re on the 13th floor!”

Her: “ just jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”

Today is the 13th day of Christmas. My house is over-run with noisy birds and a crowd of hungry and confused pipers, drummers, lords and ladies. On top of all that...

...my true love was arrested for human trafficking.

What do they call the 13th floor in England?

The 12th floor.

Dyslexia affects people in different ways

Especially today, on Friday the 13th

Do you know why they don't have 13th floors on most buildings?

Apparently it's because most buildings aren't that tall.


No, no that's fine I can show myself out . . .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

I walk into a pet store

I say "can i have 12 bees"


The guy working gave me 13.

I responded "you gave me one too many"

He responded "the 13th one is a freebie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Friday the 13th, and St. Peter is having a busy day at the pearly gates...

…and needs to get creative to make sure he can make it through the backlog. So he decides that only people with really shocking deaths can get into Heaven today.

So the first guy in line comes to St. Peter’s desk, and when asked to describe his death, he says “Well I was a successful busines...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

I want flowers on the 14th.

Then die on the 13th.

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

BMW

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue li...

3 men arrived at the gates of heaven.

God said he would only allow them in if they had a funny story of how they died.

The first man was a window cleaner, working on the 14th floor of an apartment building. Suddenly, his scaffolding broke, and he fell. Luckily he was able to grab onto the windowsill of a 13th floor apartment. Bef...

two superstitious blondes are talking to each other

One of them says: "I heard that this year, the New Year's Eve will be on Friday."
The other replies: "Oh! I hope it won't be 13th!"

Are you alone this valentine?

Just die on the 13th and you will surely get attentions with flowers on 14th

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks in to a bar

Bartender: What can I get you?

Guy: I’ll have 12 shots of Jack lined up here on the bar.

Bartender: Wow! You celebrating something? Pissed off? Trying to forget?

Guy: Well I just had my first blowjob.

Bartender: Well that’s good, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna give you a 13...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland

and while playing he made a hole in one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my weenie a bit larger?"

Well, by the time he got to the 14th te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese Golfer

Was rereading Harry Potter Book 2 and got to the Japanese Golfer joke line. Googled it. Enjoy, r/Jokes.

An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Practicing on the Old Oak Tree

On his 13th birthday, a boy says to his father, "Dad, I'm 13 now, and I think I'm old enough to be with a woman."

"Son, you're not ready yet, but I want you to practice everyday on the old oak tree in the yard. You'll be ready soon."

On his 16th birthday, the boy says to his father, "...

God is having a tough day

(Not sure if this is a repost)

It’s particularly busy in heaven, and God decides that he is only going to let the most upsetting and ridiculous deaths into heaven.

The day goes on and around midday three men arrive at St. Peter’s gates, and god stops them, he says...

“Sorry guys...

Three men were at the gates of Heaven, the guardian claims Heaven is pretty full now and he can only let people with the worst deaths in.. [Long]

So he looks at the first man and asks "How did you die?" The first man responds, "Well I had a suspicion that my wife was cheating on me and so I came home early one day to the 6th floor of the complex and saw her naked in bed! So I yelled 'WHERE IS HE?' and saw some hands on the open window rail. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Heaven is getting too crowded"

St. Peter tells 3 men who died near the same time, "So we can only let in one of you. Each of you will tell me how you died, and whoever died in the worst way gets in." * The first guy enters St. Peters office and begins his story. "There I was painting the balcony of my 14th story apartment, I l...

Mary is sitting in Sunday school...

She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks "Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"

A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells "My GOD!"

The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again....

Sam likes singing

One day, Sam was just living in his village, Sam LOVED singing, one his 7th birthday, he struck a glorious note. the elders got many questions about the note, they decided to call it note 1.

on his 8th birthday, he sung another note that was equal in quality, but a tone higher, the elders, be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are enjoying a nice Saturday afternoon of golf.

After they finish the 12th hole, they see two women on the green of the 13th, putting the ball around with an apparent lack of skill. After watching the women fumble around for about 10 minutes, one of the men says, "I'm going to ask them if we can play through." He starts walking towards them, but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is in bed with her lover...

When sudendly they hear the door open. "Shit!", she whispers, "my husband came early from work. Quickly, you must go, jump out of the window!". "But were in the 13th floor!", he responds. She stares him dead in the eye: "That's not the time to be supersticious!"

So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
— Mitch Hedberg

R.I.P.

An Email from heaven

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an email to his wife.

However he accidently typed the wrong e-mail address and without realizing his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile, somewhere in Mumbai a widow had just returned home from her husband’s...

A man comes home from a business trip and knocks on the door

The wife opens the bedroom window and whispers to her lover: "Jump!" The lover says : "Are you nuts? We're on the 13th floor!"

Wife: "Jump, there's no time for superstitions!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl...

There once was a little girl named Lucy who loved to read, particularly fairy tales. Her mother was sweet and her father was a clown (literally). For a long time, the little girl would read these books of hers, and eventually came to the conclusion that trolls were her favorite creature of them all....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I definitely have the biggest penis in this room," I announced drunkenly at the party.

Slightly ruined my son's 13th.

I'm looking for a joke

I heard a monologue once on the radio here in the UK.

The monologue is in a film noir style and I'm pretty sure it starts with "I was working on a case. I was working on a case because I couldn't afford a desk" and has other lines such as "A tall Blonde walked past the window, I knew she was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys were having a round of golf

On the 13th hole the jack sliced the ball off into the brush way off to the left.
Jimmy was laughing as he placed his ball for his swing and did the same thing way off to the right.

They tell each other how much they suck and move on to find there balls.
Jack was first to find his in a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lonely Buy and the Bum (longer joke)

So a guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender hands him his drink, he leans in real coy, looks around and asks quietly "Hey man, do you guys have any hookers in the back?".

The Bartender very quickly replies, very firmly "No sir, we do NOT do that here." The guy is taken abac...

The Green Golf Ball

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friday Update - Jokes for the week of 3/16-3/22

A new study shows sugary drinks cause over 180k deaths a year, only 4 of which are from being crushed by a soda machine. I like those odds!

Japan has created a remote controlled mobile toilet, because sometimes you just gotta go.

A North Korean spokesman has said that its nuclear arms ...

A short tale of Timmy

Timmy loved tractors. When he was growing up his room was covered in them. He had tractor wallpaper, a tractor bed, tractor sheets, tractor pillowcases and not to mention all of the tractor toys which he would lovingly play with every day.

On Timmy's 13th birthday his parents decided to take...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German guy, an Italian guy, and a Chinese guy are playing golf...

Around the 5th hole, this strange ringing goes off and the German guy starts speaking into his hand. The Italian guy and the Chinese guy are both wondering, "what the f*ck is this guy doing?"

The German guy explains, "It's totally awesome! My government made a phone that fits inside of your h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home early and believes his wife is having an affair

A man named James comes home a bit early one day from work to surprise his wife. As he enters their 11th floor apartment he smells cigarette smoke in the air and notices a pair of men's shoes that he does not own next to the door.

He enters the bedroom and finds his wife is laying naked unde...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.