How is marriage and CPR training the same?

You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

A bartender yells “Does anyone know CPR?”

“Hell I know the whole alphabet!” I shouted.

The whole bar laughed except for one guy

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar (do all jokes need to be in bars?)

They all sit down at the bar and each order a pint of brew. The Frenchman notices a fly swimming in his drink, so he pushes the glass aside and says, “Bartender, there is a fly in my drink. Please bring me another.” Strangely enough, the Englishman also finds a fly in his drink, but unlike the Frenc...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

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Hillbilly CPR

Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes ...

Yesterday I broke an old woman’s kneecaps during CPR.

In First Aid class they told us to press between the nipples.

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "...

NSFW - At what point does CPR become necrophillia?

When you both become stiff.

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them

so when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake








just so he could teach himself CPR

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CPR??

Dave and Harry were swimming.They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety.Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.

Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!

Harry: You save the mother, I'll sav...

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CPR

I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out fr...

When does CPR become Necrophlia?

When tongue is involved.

Two anglers were sitting in a boat

A windsurfer passed by them. Suddenly the windsurfer fell and disappeared in the water. The anglers hurried to the spot and threw their nets out in an attempt to save the windsurfer.
Finally they caught something and pulled the lifeless body into the boat. They started to blow air into his mouth ...

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A man survives a plane crash over the ocean...

He is huddled on a piece of debris with nothing but a dog and a pig. After drifting for several days the three land on the shore of a completely uninhabited island. After several weeks, the man feels that he will completely lose his mind if he doesn't have sex soon. After thinking it over he deci...

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

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A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.

Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.

He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth....

A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a drink for him and the pig he's carrying under his arm. The bartender gets him these drinks and asks why the pig only has three legs. "Well", the man said. "This pig pulled me and my whole family out of the house when it was on fire. He saved our lives". The bartender says...

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I finally open-mouth kissed AND got blown by a girl today!

But my asshole friends insist it's called CPR!

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A man washes up on a deserted beach...

He coughs up some water and tries to find himself some civilization. He walk around until it becomes apparent he is alone on an island except for a pig and a dog, both of which are strangely domesticated. Oh well, time to Robinson Crusoe the shit out of this island.

He starts a fire. Builds ...

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.

The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I...

I Was Once At a Bar (Not original, but I don't know who made it.)

I was once at a bar on a free weekend. I'm sitting on a stool with a whiskey in hand when I hear a bartender yell out, "Does anyone know CPR?!"
I yell back, "Brother, I know the entire alphabet!"
Then everyone in the bar started laughing. Well... Except for this one guy...

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I was walking down the pier one day and saw a woman's dog fall into the water...

She started screaming in a panic as her dog couldn't swim very well and was starting to go under. Out of nowhere a little german man dived over the edge and dragged the dog out and started performing CPR on the dog. The dog came to and was fine, the woman says ''Oh my god, are you a little vet?'' th...

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How men think...

A woman was in a coma in the hospital. One day a nurse was giving her a sponge bath, and as she was cleaning the woman's pelvic area, she noticed the EKG monitor reacting as she wiped around the woman's vagina.

Excitedly, the nurse called a Doctor, and told him what had happened.

The...

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A man, a pig and a dog on stranded on a deserted island....

A man, a dog and a pig are stranded on a deserted island after surviving a shipwreck. The man and his animals have plenty of food and resources to survive, but after a while the man starts to feel sexually frustrated.

One day he decides to take his sexual frustration out on the pig but...

With love

A very rich woman has three possible suitors for her daughter, and decides to test them.

One day, she takes the first one for a walk. She asks him all kinds of questions about his future, education and feelings for her daughter. She's got a good feeling about him, when suddenly an idea strik...

Ass to mouth is not the answer

to the question "How do you give CPR?"

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

A preacher walks into a bar.

The preacher notices a drunk sitting at the bar and he strikes up a conversation. "Hello sir, I was wondering if you have found Jesus yet." The drunk looks up and replies "Nope!" So the preacher grabs him by the collar and drags him out he door and down to the creek. He then quickly submerges the ma...

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