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Cpr Jokes

How is marriage and CPR training the same?

You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

Are we sure the first person to discover CPR...

Wasn't just a very surprised necrophiliac?

My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.

To teach himself CPR.

When does CPR become Necrophlia?

When tongue is involved.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

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Hillbilly CPR

Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes ...

Yesterday I broke an old woman’s kneecaps during CPR.

In First Aid class they told us to press between the nipples.

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CPR??

Dave and Harry were swimming.They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety.Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.

Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!

Harry: You save the mother, I'll sav...

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.

The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I...

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

NSFW - At what point does CPR become necrophillia?

When you both become stiff.

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CPR

I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out fr...

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

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A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.

Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.

He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth....

Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.

A sensitive man...

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

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A man survives a plane crash over the ocean...

He is huddled on a piece of debris with nothing but a dog and a pig. After drifting for several days the three land on the shore of a completely uninhabited island. After several weeks, the man feels that he will completely lose his mind if he doesn't have sex soon. After thinking it over he deci...

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I finally open-mouth kissed AND got blown by a girl today!

But my asshole friends insist it's called CPR!

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "...

Two anglers were sitting in a boat

A windsurfer passed by them. Suddenly the windsurfer fell and disappeared in the water. The anglers hurried to the spot and threw their nets out in an attempt to save the windsurfer.
Finally they caught something and pulled the lifeless body into the boat. They started to blow air into his mouth ...

With love

A very rich woman has three possible suitors for her daughter, and decides to test them.

One day, she takes the first one for a walk. She asks him all kinds of questions about his future, education and feelings for her daughter. She's got a good feeling about him, when suddenly an idea strik...

Ass to mouth is not the answer

to the question "How do you give CPR?"

I Was Once At a Bar (Not original, but I don't know who made it.)

I was once at a bar on a free weekend. I'm sitting on a stool with a whiskey in hand when I hear a bartender yell out, "Does anyone know CPR?!"
I yell back, "Brother, I know the entire alphabet!"
Then everyone in the bar started laughing. Well... Except for this one guy...

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I was walking down the pier one day and saw a woman's dog fall into the water...

She started screaming in a panic as her dog couldn't swim very well and was starting to go under. Out of nowhere a little german man dived over the edge and dragged the dog out and started performing CPR on the dog. The dog came to and was fine, the woman says ''Oh my god, are you a little vet?'' th...

How 'done' do you want your burger?

I can do "well-done" all the way to "CPR might actually work."

A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a drink for him and the pig he's carrying under his arm. The bartender gets him these drinks and asks why the pig only has three legs. "Well", the man said. "This pig pulled me and my whole family out of the house when it was on fire. He saved our lives". The bartender says...

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How men think...

A woman was in a coma in the hospital. One day a nurse was giving her a sponge bath, and as she was cleaning the woman's pelvic area, she noticed the EKG monitor reacting as she wiped around the woman's vagina.

Excitedly, the nurse called a Doctor, and told him what had happened.

The...

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A man, a pig and a dog on stranded on a deserted island....

A man, a dog and a pig are stranded on a deserted island after surviving a shipwreck. The man and his animals have plenty of food and resources to survive, but after a while the man starts to feel sexually frustrated.

One day he decides to take his sexual frustration out on the pig but...

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A married woman has been in a coma for one month

The doctor at the hospital explains to her husband, "We've tried everything we can think of. Her brain is still functioning, but she just won't wake up. The only thing left to try is..." he trails off.

"What is it, doc? I'll try anything!" the husband says.

"Ok. Well, I've never se...

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A man washes up on a deserted beach...

He coughs up some water and tries to find himself some civilization. He walk around until it becomes apparent he is alone on an island except for a pig and a dog, both of which are strangely domesticated. Oh well, time to Robinson Crusoe the shit out of this island.

He starts a fire. Builds ...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

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