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Wry Jokes

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.

Credits: my bud

The Evil Hitchhiker?

So "I" was driving (it's told from the first person) - saw a hitchhicker. It was dark and raining and he looked a little rough, but I picked him up anyway..

After he climbs in and we pull back out onto the highway, he turns to me and, with a wry grin and a glint in his eye, says "How do y...

An English man, a Welsh man and a Scottish man find a lamp

One of them give it a rub and a genie pops out.
"Thank you for releasing me! You can have 3 wishes, so I that makes it one wish each!"


The Welsh guy goes first, he looks a little shifty, but decides to go ahead anyway
"Genie is it? Alright so, I want you to build a wall betwee...

An 80 year old man married an 18 year old girl

He goes to see his doctor to ask advice on starting a family as he wants an heir, as he had been a playboy all his life and never settled down.

The doctor smiles at his request and says best thing is to get a young lodger. He thanks the doc saying yes she could do with some younger company a...

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because t...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

I was sat opposite a girl yesterday, for the life of me I couldn't remember her name.

I decided to just be honest and tell her, "I'm sorry but what was your name again".
"Jessica" she said. "Do you have trouble remembering girls names" she added in a wry way.
"Only the ugly ones" I blurted out.
Anyway to cut a long story short I didn't get the job.

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Two brothers have dinner shortly after Christmas. NSFW

One is incredibly wealthy and the other can barely afford rent. Over dinner, they share stories about their Christmas and what they gifted their respective wives.

The rich brother relays how he bought his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.

'Oh wow, why did you get h...

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Three football fans were driving along when they

saw a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Chicago Bears hat over one breast. The second guy, a Tampa Bay Bucs fan, placed his hat ...

3 Dwarves.....

2 nuns are walking down the street when they come across 3 of the 7 dwarves in an argument
"Did Too"
"DID NOT"
"Did Too"
"DID NOT"

After a moment, the dwarves notice the sisters and approach them

"Excuse me Sisters, do you know if there happen to be any dwarven nuns?"
...

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

A cop on a horse meets a little girl riding her bike

He watches her intently then says, "Hey hon, Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes sir," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" He says with a wry smile and fines her $2 for the missing tail light.
The little girl looks up at the cop for a minute and s...

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Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

A young man went to church one day...

A young man went to church one day, and during the service he saw a lovely young woman. Being a healthy, red-blooded young man, he decided to go up to her after the service and introduce himself. When he asked her for her name, she replied "Jezebel," with a wry little smile.

"Jezebel?" said...

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Old man and woman sitting in a nursing home

So these two older folks are sitting in their nursing home playing a game of checkers. Nothing interesting is happening until the old man remembers something, perks up and says to the woman: "Hey, guess what?"

"What" says the woman with a wry smile

"Today is my birthday!!" the old man ...

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

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So a dodo and a camel are walking along a beach...

When all of a sudden they come across a genie lamp half buried in the sand. Feeling pretty amped about the whole situation; they rub the lamp and out comes the genie.

In a regal tone, the genie introduced himself: "Good morrow sirs! I am Jean the Genie, and as the rubbers of the lamp you are...

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So me and this girl have been getting together pretty regularly to play Scrabble on the weekends...

...the other day we decided to meet at a bar after work and I made a joke about how it's too bad we can't play Scrabble in the bar, hoping she'd say, "We can still play Scrabble on our cellphones!" because everybody knows about those Scrabble apps, right? (Man, I could really go for a good game of S...

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