Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Why did the dried up semen cross the road?

I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

What do you call a dried up Chinese guy?

RAsian


Sorry.

What do you call a waterfall that's all dried up?

A waterfell.

A man has found water while digging in his backyard

For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine and dug a deeper hole until he found water...

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the ...

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Stupid Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a...

A ventriloquist is worried about his future so he goes to see his agent...

His bookings have dried up because his act seems a little old hat. His agent tells him he should go into fortune telling. Its very popular he says.

So the ventriloquist gets some training and meets his first client. He tells her for $10 he'll tell her about her financial future. For $20 he'll...

3 legged pig

A traveling salesman was driving on a back road when he saw a huge pig with three legs. The salesman had some time so he pulled up to the driveway and found a farmer. The salesman asked, "I was driving by and I saw your pig and I was wondering what happened to it." The farmer replied, "Oh, that ...

George and Lou are enjoying a leisurely round of golf at their luxury retirement resort in Florida.

George says, "Lou, I've got to come clean. You know when I moved to this resort I told everyone I was a successful restaurateur in New Jersey? Well, the fact is, I ran a lunch cart for the last 50 years, never made any money, and it burned down. Insurance company settled with me for $500,000. I so...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man finally get out of jail...

...after spending 28 years on the inside for multiple felonies. And just like any other male that hasn't touched a woman after 28 years, he wanted to get some ass. Unfortunately this guy had gotten taken to jail with only $40, so that is what he had when he was released.
Without wasting anytim...

One day a blonde is driving down the highway..

Along side a dried up river. Then she notices another blonde rowing a canoe in the dry sand. Angry she pulls over her pink Hummer hops out and starts screaming " It's because of idiots like you that people give blondes such a bad name! If I could swim I'd go over there and kick your ass"

Native American Joke: "Chief Jumping Bear, there's just one thing I don't understand: In my dream, there was this... bacon tree."

A long, long time ago, when white man first came to the Americas, there was a tribe living happily in a land with plentiful running streams, plentiful forests, and plentiful beavers. And for many, many generations, they were happy.

But one year, the plentiful running streams dried up, the ple...

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