UPJOKE
toolmeanchumpcretindestroydestroyingdopedouchedummyfoolgeezergoonidiotjackassmongol

Douchebag Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

What is a female " Douchebag" in France called??

A douche-baguette

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”

Why did the douchebag go to the store?

To buy all the toilet paper

Douchebag boyfriend

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

What's the most douchebag thing to do?

Taking a shower with you backpack

Where do douchebags settle their dispute?

The Supreme court

Which country has the most douchebags?

The Republic of Chad

Sometimes I wonder if the entire world is full of defensive, conceited douchebags who can't laugh at themselves...

Then I read some Reddit comments and I'm almost certain of it.

How to spot a douchebag in the gym?

Really bad so he hurts himself.

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend who has sex with a lot of douchebags asked me to help her use a screwdriver

I was surprised as she's normally good at screwing tools

Road Rage?

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells.

A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

A man is walking down an alleyway...

A man is walking down an alleyway when he encounters a lamp, he rubs it with caution and out pops a genie, who is dressed like a Douchebag. "I will grant you three wishes, however, whatever you wish for, your ex - wife gets double". The man thinks for a bit then replies with "1 Million dollars, plea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter

Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter.

First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soo...

A guy drank some magic beer

A man sat alone at the bar of a rooftop club. Soon another man sat beside him and asked him what he was drinking.

"Magic beer." the man said.

"What do you mean by magic beer?" the new arrival asked.

The magic beer drinker took 2 gulps of beer and jumped off the building....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun and her friend are walking down the street late one night...

...when suddenly Dracula steps out of the shadows and stands in front of them, staring menacingly.
“Oh my God, it’s Dracula! What should we do?” says the nun.
“Quick, show him your cross!” says her friend.
“Good idea” says the nun. She quickly walks towards Dracula and shouts “Hey! Get o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gallon of chocolate ice cream

A heavy set woman walks into an ice cream store and orders a gallon of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says "ma'am, i'm so sorry, but we just ran out of chocolate."
Now this heavy set woman is an executive-type, and she is hungry and in a hurry, she says "Look asshole, give me a h...

So I was at a party some years ago with my new watch.

Unfortunately while I was there I found that ny watch had been stolen. I searched the party for hours trying to find, I was going completely mad. As the party started to wind down I began to lose hope of ever finding. Until I saw some douchebag harassing a some random girl, he was grabbing her arm, ...

I had a douchbag whale as a flatmate once...

I had this douchebag whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attach...

A great swimmer had no arms

An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my legs"

An even greater swimmer had no legs.

An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my arms"

The greatest swimmer had neither arms or legs

An interviewer asks how...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Story Time

So when I was a kid, I was a total nerd. Excelled in class, but I was bullied a lot. There was this really cute girl in my class. I was absolutely in love. I introduced myself to her and we got to talking. She immediately friend zoned me. I'm hurt, but I'm like, whatever. She's amazing and man, if n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your last day on Earth is supposed to be your worst...

... And St. Peter decides who gets into Heaven based on how shitty their last day's been. Well, there's 3 guys and the first guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks, "Why's your day been so terrible?"

And the guy replies, "Well, my wife's been actin funny for a few months now. She ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new doctor in town

A little long but funny:

So a new doctor moved to some town and put up this sign on his clinic, "Guaranteed to fix any medical problem you have". So one of the douchebags in that town bet his friends that he can come up with something that the doctor will never be able to fix. So, the next d...

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.