Doesn Jokes - 132 Hilarious Doesn Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

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What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

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If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

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Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A driver slows down for a stop sign but he doesn’t actually stop

A cop sees him and pulls him over. The driver says “is there a problem, officer?” The cop said “you just ran a stop sign back there”. The driver said, “what are you talking about? I slowed down.” The cop replied “but you didn’t actually stop.” The driver said “slow, stop, what’s the diff?” The cop r...

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

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What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?

A reptile dysfunction

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name

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I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

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What do you call a joke that doesn’t make sense?

To get to the other side.

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Alcoholism doesn’t run in my family

It drives

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Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym

Because no one can spot him

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What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

[Long] A family of four decides city life doesn’t suit their style anymore

So they sell their house in the suburbs and buy a dairy-cow ranch. After a week or so, the dad and 2 sons are out mending the fences, when their neighbor comes driving up the road and stops to introduce himself.

“How y’all doin? The name’s Al, friends call me Big Al. Are you folks new to the ...

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What room doesn’t have ghosts?

Living room.

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Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?

Because he’s a Rocket Man

It’s my birthday, enjoy my current favourite joke!!

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Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Because he sucks.

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Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

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Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.

It’s usually the other way around.

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Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?

Because the trees can speak for themselves

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So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

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I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist

and worse… she can prove it.

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What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

Why doesn’t anybody want to be one of Snow White’s Dwarfs?

Because 6 out of 7 Dwarfs aren’t allowed to be Happy.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

If it doesn’t taste like covid and it doesn’t smell like covid

It’s probably covid

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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…

… but then again, neither does milk.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m pretty sure my neighbour doesn’t watch porn…

I’ve been over here 2 hours and am still doing dishes.

“Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere “

Me: well it got me to the sarcasm world championships in Peru 98

“Really “

Me: No

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What’s black and doesn’t work?

Decaf coffee

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?

A un-aware wolf

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Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn’t want to go anywhere he doesn’t feel welcome...

So what’s he still doing in the white house?

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Chuck Norris doesn’t understand the Periodic Table…

… because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.

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Why doesn’t the Grinch like knock knock jokes?

Because there's always Whos there!

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I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby. :(

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My wife doesn’t like it when I support female business owners.

…And she told me to stop calling OnlyFans girls that.

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My friend working in the Marriott WTC doesn’t approve of 9/11 jokes.

They hit too close to home.

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What do you call someone that doesn’t remember anybody’s name?

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick!

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A fly is buzzing around a cop, why doesn’t he kill it?

That’s what the swat team is for!

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Why doesn’t Jesus have any aunts?

Because they’d be antichrists.

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Why doesn’t Snape teach herbology?

His lily died

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I love volcanoes. My girl doesn't.

Don't know if I lava anymore.

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A friend of mine told me today that he doesn’t understand cloning...

“That makes two of us” I said.

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Beer doesn’t make you fat

It makes you lean; against walls, doors, toilets, etc.

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Remember: what doesn’t kill you….

Mutates and tries again

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is trying to convince me she doesn’t poop.

I think she’s full of crap.

Why doesn’t Oedipus curse?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

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Looks doesn´t really matter

* Girl: The reason why you´re still single is because your standards are too high. Looks doesn´t really matter, you know.
* Boy: Wow! You´re the first non-beautiful person that I´ve heard say that looks doesn´t matter..
* Girl: WHAT?! Are you calling ME ugly!!!
* Boy: Why so upset? You just...

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Why doesn’t Robert Plant shop at Aldi?

No quarter

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Why doesn’t Putin use his own hands when he sends a text?

‘Cause he’s more of a dictator.

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What do you call perfume that doesn’t smell?

Nonsense.

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Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

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Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any kids?

Because when he comes, he only comes in the chimney.

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What do you call an antilope that doesn’t do anything?

A cantaloupe.

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What kind of driver doesn’t need a licence?

A screwdriver

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If Will Smith doesn’t win for Best Actor

He really will have hit rock bottom.

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Why doesn’t Chuck Norris go on dates?

Nobody can take him out.

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My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…

I think that’s poor for four.

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How do know when a punchline doesn’t fit the set-up in a joke?

A frog in a blender.

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Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is in the US

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So apparently my neighbor doesn’t believe in air conditioning

He’s an ACeist

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What sucks but doesn’t suck at the same time

A broken vacuum cleaner

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Why doesn’t Santa ever pay for parking?

Because it’s on the house.

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What has a beak but doesn’t peck, wings but doesn’t fly, and feet but doesn’t walk?

A dead bird.

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Why doesn’t Napoleon watch Game of Thrones?

Because Winter is Coming

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What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

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Why doesn’t America knock?

Because Freedom Rings. Happy Independence Day!

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Anyone who doesn’t understand...

The difference between geologists and geographers really rock my world

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It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....

It’s night.

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How does Thom Yorke wake up on a weekend that doesn’t happen to coincide with his birthday?

With no alarms and no surprises

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Why doesn’t Batman have super vision?

Cause his Parents died

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you sexually tease a women who doesn’t shave?

Beating around the bush.

Why doesn’t Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?

Because of Mayweather

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Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.

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England doesn’t have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool

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What do ya call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Ya don’t.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

Just spent £100 on a belt that doesn’t fit.

Huge Waist.

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Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

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Pull

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" A...

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Trump doesn’t know geography...

Instead of building a wall on the Mexico border, he built one in Washington DC

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I wanted to get a job that doesn’t require too much intelligence

So I decided to run for the President of the United States

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Why doesn’t Charles Barkley like paper?

Because it’s tearable.

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What do you call a Redditor that doesn’t gain or lose internet points?

Karmatose

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They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

But nothing has killed me yet and I seem only to get older and fatter

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Crime doesn’t pay.

But the hours are great.

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If your business doesn’t take off in The Netherlands…

Perhaps you should try to Sweden the deal.

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Chuck Norris doesn’t shower,

he only takes blood baths.

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What do you call a religious organization that doesn’t make any money?

A non-prophet!

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A brother asks his sister why does she always have money but he doesn't?

The sister replies,"That's because I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend."

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You ever hear about the jockey who’s partner doesn’t do oral sex?

You could say he was the headless horseman

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Thanks to the advance of science, a 75 years old lady got pregnant and had a baby.
When she returned home with the baby from the Maternity Ward, her friends went to visit her.
“Where is the baby? Let’s see him!” Said her friends.
-“Wait for a while””. I’ll show him to you later”.
Half ...

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Why doesn’t a seagull fly over the bay?

Because then it’d be a bagel.

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My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

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If your parachute doesn’t open ...

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

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My brother doesn’t like changes.

He has gone to a prom with a high-school senior girl already for a decade.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

Why doesn’t Thor like secrets?

He hates to keep things Loki.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new wife doesn’t believe in post-marital sex either

Says she wants to save herself for somebody special.

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

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What do you call a tennis player who doesn’t get vaccinated?

No-vac Djokovic

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My dad told me he doesn’t like banana bread.

Said it doesn’t a-peel to him.

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It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

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A joke doesn't...

... become a Dad Joke until it's fully groan

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You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.

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What’s the difference between your mom and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

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A big moron and a little moron walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The big moron falls off his chair. Why doesn’t the little moron fall?

Because he’s a little more on.

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Why doesn’t trump like Jared Kushner

He married the love of his life...

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”What doesn’t kill you, makes you smaller.”

-Mario

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Thor doesn’t get tipsy

He’s always hammered.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

Texas:

Where a virus has reproductive rights and a woman doesn’t.

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My buddy doesn’t curse....

Stephen: “Son of a biscuit!”

Me: “I didn’t know biscuits had children.”

Stephen: “Sometimes I guess.”

Me: “How does that work?”

Stephen: “They’re bread.”

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having

Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me”
Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

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Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away

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When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,

he turns the dark off.

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My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

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My wife was frustrated “ this vacuum just doesn’t suck anymore” she said

“What happened? Did it get married?”

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If someone says they will make your favorite meal and then doesn't...

Does that make them a Crock-tease?

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Drowning doesn’t actually sound that bad

In fact it sounds quite breathtaking

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush his toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

What kind of fruit doesn’t get laid?

A can’t elope

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Money doesn’t always buy happiness.

A man with 10 million can be just as happy as a man with 12 million.

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