How do we know the government wasn't behind 9/11?

Because it worked.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

I thankfully wasn’t close to my father when he died..

He stepped on a Land Mine.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.

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There was a formal dance, but the butterfly wasn’t there. Why?

It was a moth ball.

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish

Of course he was Jewish 30 years old single

living with his parents,

working in his father's business,

his mother thought he was gods gift

Give it up oh course he was Jewish

- Robin Williams obm

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

We were poor. If I wasn't a boy,

I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's.

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

You know, Inspector Javert wasn't mad

But he died in Seine.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.

It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.

She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "

Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, makin...

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Why wasn’t the ‘Snow White and seven dwarfs’ porn parody successful?

There were too many short comings.

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story

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I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

I wasn't close to my mother-in-law when she died.

It's been five years, and the police still can't prove otherwise.

This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.”

I replied “Well, which one are you then?”

A woman purchased a new incense burner. However, she got very confused since it wasn't working.

It made no damn scents.

I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough

I've handed in my too weak notice

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free

I was shocked

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

Picked up a hitch-hiker.

Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected...

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn’t pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme

But it was multi level carpeting.

I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that

I'm actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

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At first, I wasn't sure if my wife and I would be sexually compatible, but she assured me she knew what I would like. She was right...

...she had me pegged from the start.

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Why wasn't Jesus born in France?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

I wasn't sure about having a beard.

But now its really starting to grow on me.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? \

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

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Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

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A couple lived near

the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, ...

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I used to work as a penis inspector

The pay wasn't good but the tips were great!

2021 wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel

It was a train

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

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There wasn’t any parking at the Sex Addict Support Group

So everybody came on the bus

In order for The Mandalorian’s ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn’t too heavy.

This is the weigh.

So this girl asked for my phone number this morning, but I really wasn't into her, so I made one up.

Jokes on me though, now I don't know if my car passed the MOT or not.

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The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

Two antennas fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was incredible!

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

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Why wasn't Samantha upset about York changing to Sargent?

I guess she was just happy getting new Dick.

*sees my way out*

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

I wasn’t sure about getting involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

A woman announced that she was pregnant. Everyone congratulated her until she said that it wasn’t a baby, but rather, a joke...

It turned out she had a pun in the oven the whole time

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

I expected a joke about my mother’s sister to be funny and it actually wasn’t.

It was an auntie-joke.

So other day I was chatting with this one girl who wasn't that tech savvy per se. The conversion went like this:

Her: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU??

Me: Uhh try pressing the Caps Lock.

Her:OMG AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

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Second opinion

A man was walking into the therapist‘s office and sat down. „What’s your problem?“, asked the therapist. The man answered: „Well I have massive struggles to find a girlfriend and I don’t know why“. He looked the man deep in the eyes and said with a very meaningful face: „Well it’s because you’re ugl...

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Why Wasn't the Green Pepper Able to Participate in the Archery Competition?

It didn't habanero....

I wouldn't be here of it wasn't for my wife.

My epitaph

I can't believe that my joke about The Who and The Kinks wasn't approved.

I've obviously upset the mods.

A man an a boy walk into a barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was compl...

I used to collect stamps but gave it up, but then I realized it wasn't worth the time

Philately will get you nowhere

I saw my doctor yesterday.

I dropped my pants to show him this big boil on my bottom.


He wasn't the least bit interested, just carried on pushing his

trolley round the supermarket.

Why wasn't Wanda making future plans?

She had no Vision.

I just dyed my hair, and I wasn't too fond of it at first...

But its growing on me

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who killed Julius caesar ?

a principal heard a teacher screaming in his class so he went to ask what was happening

the teacher replied to him " it's a disaster I can't continue doing this anymore "

the principal replied " what's the problem tell me maybe I can help "

the teacher nodded then called a stude...

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

Waved at my boss while leaving from office. Seems, he wasn't impressed.....

...Next time I think I should use all the fingers.

A monastery had a rule: No talking whatsoever.

Once a year, there was an exception to the rule. One monk would get chosen to get up and speak.

The first year, Brother Matthew stood up. Naturally, the hall was silent. He stared at his audience for a minute. Then he spoke. "Hot this year, wasn't it?"

With that, he concluded his speec...

the bell ringer of notre dame wasn't really modo

he was only quasi-modo

I find my new mattress uncomfortable, so I asked a mate if he wanted it. He said he wasn't sure..

I said "sleep on it"

I decided that I wasn't going to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anyw...

My last girlfriend wasn’t all bad.

She put the “fun gal” in fungal infection.

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

How do we know the corona virus wasn't made in China?

Because we've had it for almost a year now and it's still working

A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.

"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

A man and a Genie.

A man found a genie that grants 3 wishes.

The genie said “I can do anything you want within the

bounds of reality. No bringing back the dead or

granting immortality.” The guy having lost so much in

his life asks the genie can you take my pain away? The

genie s...

At first I wasn’t quite sure if my dog was pregnant, bloated, or just fat

But then it became apparent

I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.

It wasn’t great, but it was OK.

BREAKING NEWS! R. Kelly has…

Tested positive for she-wasn’t 19

As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way

Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me

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I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances

funny

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

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How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

A man wanted a chicken of his own to lay fresh eggs for him. He went to a farm supply store that had chickens and tried to buy one, but he was denied because he wasn't a registered farmer. The clerk said, "Sorry sir. . ."

"No farm, no fowl."

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you...

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

I wasn't allowed to use any "F" word.

That's how i ended up with " old McDonald had a arm "

It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck.

But I can look back now and laugh.

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The No Poo Kangaroo

You know how you can buy booze cheap at the airport in foreign countries? Well this world traveler told me that some airports also sell exotic animals. He was in Australia recently and decided to buy the cutest kangaroo. He took it home and a few weeks later noticed that his furry friend hadn't p...

After considering it for weeks, I finally decided to turn myself into the police.

It really wasn't worth it. Scaring people and stealing their drugs was fun, but getting busted for impersonation sucked.

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

Why did the Banana seek therapy?

He went _Bananas_ after he and his girl _split_. He just wasn’t _peeling_ himself. He was _berry_ sad.

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