UPJOKE
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Wasn Jokes

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete dick.

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t Jesus born in modern day Australia?

Because God wouldn’t be able to find find 3 wise men or a virgin.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
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It wasn’t easy for the guy who invented the microphone in the beginning.

He got some really bad feedback.
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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”
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I was shocked today when my wife told me that my son wasn’t really mine

I have GOT to pay more attention when I pick him up from school
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexual desires have been getting out of control, but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue...

...that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t the premature ejaculator in the office?

He got off early

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!
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I tried to beat up the composer, but failed. Apparently I wasn’t…

…Rachmaninov.
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One day i told a psychiatrist that pi wasn’t real.

She said i was being irrational.
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Colin Kaepernick wasn’t the first athlete to take a knee

That honor belongs to Tonya Harding.
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I saw a woman waving at me yesterday, but I wasn’t too sure.

Anyways, onto more tragic news, I lost my job as a lifeguard.
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My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...
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I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…
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I kept telling them I wasn’t a plumber, but they still offered me the job.

It took a while..to let that sink in.
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My friend threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me but I wasn’t really injured

Thankfully, they were super-fish-oil injuries
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Son, I heard you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That wasn’t fun, was it?”

“No Dad, it was Fuck.”

My dad wasn’t absent!

He was just fathering remotely
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I wasn’t very close to my father when he died...

Which was good because he stepped on a landmine
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I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...
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I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story
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My 12 year old’s joke: I threw my mouse against the wall because it wasn’t working

Everyone at the vet’s office stared at me.
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My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.

So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me.
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The number of readers this book hit hard wasn’t surprising…

That’s just what happens when you toss out free braille.
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Why wasn’t the number 3 allowed back into school after failing his Spanish test?

Because there’s No Trespassing!!






I’ll show myself out
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation….

….until I saw a dragon and fucking shit myself.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground!
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I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.
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I went to a psychic, and at the end of session realized she wasn’t legit.

She let me write her a check.
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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
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Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She told me, “ I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
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Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.
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If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?
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My doctor tried to tell me I wasn’t going to get my transplant

… but he didn’t have the heart.
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My last girlfriend wasn’t all bad.

She put the “fun gal” in fungal infection.
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During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting
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What’s between an introvert and an extrovert?

A wall.

(I know it wasn’t funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough)
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My girlfriend told me she was on birth control but it wasn’t true.

Turns out she’s dyslexic and got a DUI.
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I went on a trip to China and it wasn’t great. 2/5

But the flag was five stars
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t the ‘Snow White and seven dwarfs’ porn parody successful?

There were too many short comings.

The first French fry wasn’t cooked in France.

It was cooked in Greece.
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Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn’t strong enough for the work.

Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?
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What did the rock-eating scientist say when he wasn’t hungry?

I’ve lost my apatite.
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I just watched Dr. Strange, but wasn’t that impressed.

I have watched Stranger Things.
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After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.
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There was a man who wasn’t creative

He named his kids numbers in the order they were born (the first child was 1, second child 2 and so on)

After he had 100 kids , a fire burned his house down leaving only one child. 90

90 grew up and had his own kids that weren’t creative and when they saw a stray dog , they took him in...
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Captain Marvel wasn’t the first standalone female superhero...

Iron man was, because he’s “Fe-Male”
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My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer
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There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then
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Honestly getting a concussion wasn’t so bad.

It hurt when it happened but I barely remember it now.
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My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now it’s syncing.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There wasn’t any parking at the Sex Addict Support Group

So everybody came on the bus

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
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stewardess on my flight wasn’t holding back. telling everyone exactly what she thought.

walking down the aisle, looking right at everyone, saying “trash” “trash” “trash”
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As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.
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William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my phone wasn’t working

My son took it and went outside.

Me: How come you took my phone outside?

Son:You know how it’s daytime right now?

Me:Yeah?

Son:It’s a homophone dad.

I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free

I was shocked
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I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
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My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed, I’ve had a Canon printer for years!
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Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that
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A firefighter wasn’t performing well at his job...

He was on the hot seat. Then he got fired.
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At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.
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What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t Hitler able to foresee his own demise?

Because he was part of the not-see party.

My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite
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It wasn’t much fun having a broken neck last year.

But now I can just look back and laugh.
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I wasn’t cut out for skydiving school

So I dropped out
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Why wasn’t the movie Five Feet Apart (2019) more successful?

It was a year early and a foot short.
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I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny.

So I just snickered…
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Why wasn’t the fungus invited on the road trip?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.

Please don’t blame my seven year old for this, it was written by an adult.
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I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory

They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in
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I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...
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Why wasn’t the teddy bear hungry?

He was already stuffed!
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Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.
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If reddit wasn’t full of so many reposts

It would just be called ‘ditt’

This is probably a repost.
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My wife wasn’t getting me off...

So I had to take matters into my own hands.
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Why wasn’t Groot any good at working undercover?

Everybody could tell he was a plant
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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

*“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”*
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t the Mushroom invited to the party?

The host thought he looked like a Real Dick

What would Martin Luther King Jr be if he wasn’t black?

Alive.
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A nun gets out of bed

she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wron...

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.
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If yo mamma wasn’t so expensive...

... I could’ve been yo daddy.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

I expected a joke about my mother’s sister to be funny and it actually wasn’t.

It was an auntie-joke.
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My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working that well

So I put a Honda sticker on it so it would suck more
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did you know that Adam wasn’t black?

Because you wouldn’t take a rib from a black man

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’
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My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.
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My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.
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Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.
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At first I wasn’t quite sure if my dog was pregnant, bloated, or just fat

But then it became apparent
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In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...
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I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup
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The USA’s greatest achievement wasn’t putting a man on the moon

It was putting a man on the moon and doing all the calculations in imperial units
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We’re lucky the Swatch wasn’t made in Croatia or...

I’d have to look at my crotch to tell the time.
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Today I read the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage wasn’t really a noose...

Fake Noose Media
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I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me that If he wasn’t mixing cocktails, he’d be a criminal.

Either way, he’s behind bars.

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.
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I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.
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A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...
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At first, I wasn’t really certain about my new haircut

But it finally grew on me
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I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
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I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor the first day at my job.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
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I wasn’t a fan of A Star Is Born

I found it a bit nebulous.
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When I found out that my toaster wasn’t water proof

I was shocked
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My priest growing up told me that masturbation wasn’t wrong.

He even helped!

Why did princess Diana cross the road

She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt
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The hostess said my name wasn’t on the list

but I had my reservations
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I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn't…

Then I was.

Then I wasn't.

Then I was.

Now, it looks like I'm just waffling…
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I bought a fan today, but it wasn’t strong enough.

So I put it on airplane mode.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!
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The wife wanted a new mattress, but I wasn’t sure about the decision.

I told her I’d have to sleep on it.
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