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Haggis Jokes

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

I don't like haggis

It's offal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new restaurant downtown that serves, sweetbreads, pate’ haggis and scrapple?

It’s offal.

I was going to make haggis...

But I just don't have the stomach for it.

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

My Scottish girlfriend was feeling homesick so I decided to try and make a homemade haggis to cheer her up.

I thought I had a fairly strong constitution but as soon as I starting mixing the heart, lungs and kidneys I realised I didn't have the stomach for it.

3 Scotsmen

Sitting on the Firth of Fourth road bridge about to commit suicide by jumping into the raging waters 100s of feet below.
First one says to the guy next to him: Why are you going to jump?
He says: My wife makes me the same lunch sandwich every day - cheese and pickles - and I hate both. I can’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to open a Scottish themed strip club...

I'm going to call it haggis, nips and titties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three construction workers on a roof...

Three construction workers eat lunch together every day at the top of the building they work together on; one was Scottish, one was Chinese, one was Italian.

One day the Italian worker opened his lunch sighed, and said, “Ugh pasta. I am so sick of pasta. If I get pasta in my lunch one more t...

Great Scot!

Waiter: Are you here for a special occasion?
Campbell: Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns contest... A haggis dinner for two.
Waiter: What were the other prizes?
Campbell: Second prize was a single haggis dinner, and if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman

All work on a high rise building site together.

One lunchtime while sat high up on the building the Englishman opens his sandwich and exclaims "Ham, fucking ham again. If I get ham in my sandwiches again tomorrow I'm gonna jump!"

The Scotsman opens his sandwich; "Haggis, fucking haggi...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scotsman was shipwrecked...

...and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!" She disappears int...

Childish: An Irishman, Scotsman and Englishman are on a plane.

They all decide to drop something out as you do, the Scotsman drops a barrel of haggis, the Irishman drops a crate of Guinness and the Englishman drops a bomb.

Down on the ground a man is walking down a street, he comes across a young boy crying and asks him why? 'Something hit me on my head...

Three blondes are hiking in Scotland

They set out early afternoon on a sunny Thursday morning in the middle of July. The three girls are kitted out with the best equipment that money can buy and have got their route from Stirling to Callander planned perfectly. After an hour or so of walking one of the blondes comes across some tracks ...

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman

all work together in construction building the World's tallest building.

Each day they sit high on a girder and eat lunch together.

After several weeks onsite, the Englishman says "I'm sick of getting these same marmite sandwiches everyday. If I get another one of these, I'm going to j...

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