UPJOKE
glistenglittertwinkleshineglisterlightlustergleamglowshimmerglintbrillianceglossdazzlepanache

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

If it's sparkling....

Is it still water ?

If your sparkling water loses it's bubbles, that's ok...

It's still water.

As a vintner was moving a cask of sparkling wine,

he rolled his foot and injured his ankle. The pain was severe, so he decided to visit his orthopedist. The doctor examined his foot and ankle, took x-rays, and ran MRI scans.

"Sir, I can't find anything wrong with you. You can move your foot and ankle normally, and there's nothing showing up ...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortune

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortunes.

They make merry and have dinner together. And before leaving, they hand their mother gifts.

The eldest son gifts his mother the deed to a massive palatial chateau in the French Riviera.

The middle son...

On the front of the toothpaste packaging it said: "For Amazingly Sparkling Teeth!"

"I better not buy it, then," I thought, "because mine are rancid."

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

It's only Tabasco if it comes from that region of Mexico

Otherwise it's sparkling tomato juice.

Sparkling water was invented by german.

Who else would think of adding gas to the water.

On a sparkling summer day,

A penguin is driving his convertible along a coastal road. Accelerating through a bend, he hears a “thump” from the engine bay.

It’s not so far to the next town, so he slows down and limps the car to the local mechanic’s workshop.

“I’m a bit busy right now, mate”, says the mechanic. “C...

What's the most important property of a sparkling pink ship?

It's flamboyant.

I knocked a guy over with a bottle of sparkling wine.

It required some Brut force.

A soldier I know really likes stealing sparkling wine.

He keeps telling me to take cava.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What should you do when you meet a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes, wet lips, pink cheeks, shivering body....

Keep going! She has flu symptoms!

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

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Remember, it's only real bologna if it comes from the Bologna region in a Italy.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling pig anus.

Christmas Joke

We were all having sparkling wine on Christmas day when my friend said it had given him a headache so he was going to leave. Turns out he was fine and had just wanted to leave early. It was a sham pain.

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

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A man wakes up with a huge hangover after getting blackout drunk the night before

painfully opens his eyes, looks around - "phew! At least I'm home". On the nightstand he sees a glass of water, an aspirin and a note saying "Honey, breakfast is ready, I love you with all my heart - xoxo, your wife".

Not understanding a thing, he walks to the kitchen and realizes that the ho...

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

He asked for a bottle of still water.

I handed him sparkling.
He said 'I asked for still water - this is sparkling.'
'Yeah - but it's still water.'

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A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father

"Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time I give you this"

"Dad you don't mean..."

"Yes son, I do" as he pulls out his copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition

"Dad... I'm honored..." He says, tears sparkling in his eyes.

"Hi honored," his father replie...

Real Porsches...

Real Porsches are from the Porscheaux region of France.

Otherwise they’re just sparkling Volkswagens.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

A man is checking out at the grocery store.

He buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.
The woman behind him says "you must be single"
"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"
"Nope, it's becaus...

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At t...

It’s only colon cancer if it’s from Colon, Argentina

Otherwise it’s just sparkling cancer

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Three soldiers were getting really sexually frustrated on a military camp

Because of their desperation, they sought an appointment with the captain himself.

"We miss our wives," one of them said.

The captain being the observant leader that he was, knew that these poor men weren't getting enough satisfaction.

"Men" the captain started, "I'm aware of yo...

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A rich guy and a poor guy are sitting in a doctor's office waiting room

While they wait they start having a chat, and the rich guy brings up the presents that he bought his wife last month for Christmas. "I got her a brand new sparkling diamond ring and a new BMW" he says proudly. "Wow, two nice gifts" the poor guy responds. The rich guy explains "well, I bought her the...

A man came home covered in glitter

His wife confronted him on the sparkling dust on his shirt and pants. “Honey, I was just helping our daughter make a Mother’s Day card for you.” The wife still slightly suspicious asked, “ok but why do you smell like cinnamon and honey” to which the husband replied, “damn you’re good. How did you k...

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The secret to success in the corporate world

A young professional parks his battered old car outside his office one morning. Stepping out, he sees the CEO sweeping into the car park in his brand new, sparkling, top of the range Mercedes S Class.

Starstruck, and knowing this company has an ethos of openness which means everyone is appro...

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A woman (mom) was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,

when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes,

and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

Th...

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A husband and wife save thousands of dollars for their dream golfing trip abroad...

A man and his wife and save thousands of dollars, pack their bags and go on their dream golfing trip abroad.

The golf course is a thing of beauty, perfect greens, giant sculptures, huge sparkling blue lakes, the finest sand pits, and amazing views. The rich of the world all have mansions and ...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates.

Jesus says, "Congratulations, you've all made it to heaven. However, God decided to replace the stairway to heaven with a 100-mile highway. How loyal you were to your spouse in your life decides the quality of the vehicle you get."

The first man walks up to Jesus. He says, "I was completely l...

Grandma started obsessively washing her windows several times each week...

...I asked her what's up with that, I mean - they're sparkling clean already, you don't have to do that.

She replied:

Someone called me last week and told me that my windows installation had a serious virus infestation.

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Old but gold

Slightly old joke about Bill Clinton and former Serbian would be dictator, Slobodan Milosevic
(In a word for word translation to English, his name means: Freeman Gentlefuck)
Anyway, here is actual joke:

Milosevic goes to visit White House during Clinton's presidency.
He participate...

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