A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

Longest Drum Solo

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

What’s the longest sentence in the English language?

‘I do’.

Unfortunately, the longest day of the year is just under a month away...

And I still don’t know what to get her for her birthday.

What is the longest name in the world?

JASON, it takes 5 months to spell it. (July, August, September, October, November)

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

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What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

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The guy with the longest penis in the world will never be forgotten.

He touched people very deeply.

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

Funny fact

So there is people that have a fear of long words and it's called
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
And it is also one of the longest words in the dictionary.
Makes me chuckle

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

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Three guys sitting at a bar

After a few drinks they started arguing who has the longest dick. So they decided to go on the rooftop of the bar which is in a 5 story building. The first one walks up to the edge of the roof opens his fly and lets his dick out. They are all standing behind him and ask him “how long is it?” He says...

i couldn’t figure out seatbelts for the longest time.

then it just clicked.

The world's longest-running joke.

American Politics.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

Why is today the longest day?

Because it's 24/7

I just broke the record for the world's longest scream

Honestly I can't remember why I bought that thing on vinyl in the first place.

Who's the longest serving Mayor of bacon city?

Oscar Mayer

My 9 year old son just told me this joke & hopefully its an original

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

You just learned you have 6 months to live. When is the best time to get that news to make it seemingly last the longest?

March 2020.

What’s the easiest, yet longest way to get fired?

Say something controversial on Twitter and wait 5 years.

Coworker: Long day, huh?

Me: *looks at calendar* The longest.

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

What is the world's longest lasting STD?

Children

Yesterday I had the longest deja vu....

I stayed 30 minutes in r/jokes.

the longest, most infuriating joke ever

One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.

"...

What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

What do you call a droid that always take the longest route?

R2 Detour

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

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For the longest time I refused to attend PTA meetings because I couldn't stand the fact that each one ended with an orgy.

But eventually, I had to come on principal.

Who was the longest sitting U.S. President?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

What is the longest game of Deal or No Deal?

Brexit.

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The longest joke I know

A mime had just been kicked off his street corner and was looking for a place to perform. He decides to go to the zoo where all the kids are and maybe get more attention. Well it works and he is a natural crowd pleaser. People gather around him and he is getting all the attention. This goes on for a...

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

What is equally the shortest and longest sentence

I do, just two words that lasts a lifetime *at least it feels like it sometimes*

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

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Three men are having a contest

The contest is to see who can keep their genital in a waffle iron for the longest. The first man turns the iron on, puts his penis in, pulls out after two seconds. The next man follows suit and lasts four seconds. The third lasted an entire five minutes and when asked about how he won he said “They ...

The longest relationship I’ve had is with my first vibrator.

We were together 7 years. Off and on.

A girl asks: “What is the best breakfast to keep me full the longest?”

Me: “Two eggs and one sausage are enough to fill a girl for nine months straight. “

When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me.

He was in denial.

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A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

When they told me the longest race ever had taken nearly 5 hours, I chuckled.

I’ve been running from my responsibilities for 19 years now.

A son runs up to his dad and tugs at his trouser leg

“Daddy, daddy! A picture is worth a thousand words!”, and immediately runs off. The dad is confused by this, but kids say funny things.

Later on, they’re having dinner, and the son is very quiet. The dad asks him if he’s ok, to which he solemnly raises his head and replies, “Make hay while th...

A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

Longest Joke ever

Loading...

What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition?

Atrophy

Allegedly the longest joke in the world: The story of Jack, and Nathan the Snake

It's actually so long that it won't fit into a Reddit post, but it's [worth the read if you have like an hour to kill.](http://www.wattpad.com/2012108-the-longest-joke-in-the-world-a-man-in-the-desert#.Uaa7x8qwUgk)

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Bianca's boyfriend (Brad) goes on a business trip...

A week goes by, and Brad gives Bianca the bad news that his business trip would be extended to one more week. Bianca, starting to feel a bit horny was not excited to hear the news but she thought "its just one more week, I can wait."

The second week goes by and Brad is still not home, so Bian...

I haven't run a 5K for the longest time.

I usually try to go for the shortest.

Just made this up myself, but someone's probably come up with it before though...

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[NSFW] The world record for the longest cumshot is 14 Feet.

"Was it a local dude?"

"No, he came from afar."

Credits to u/Moontoya

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

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Marvin Gaye and Aretha Franklin got it on in Spanish Harlem. As a result, Aretha gave birth to twin girls on the longest day of the year. What did they call them?

Solsticetas

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the...

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

During history class at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"No, why do you ask?" the teacher asks.

"Well," Little Hans says, "my grandpa told me how he and his buddies crawled one street in Stalingrad for days and never reached the end of it."

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

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[Long] longest joke in the world

My dick

Didn't see that coming.

Perks of dating the woman with the longest fingernails

You can get a hand job and a back scratch with one hand.

For the longest time I hated tumors....

but they are beginning to grow on me.

What is the longest part of a woman's body?

Her legs. They go from the floor all the way to paradise.

People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river .

I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile.

The Longest joke in the world (sorry if re-post)

it's totally worth it! [7 Page Joke](http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2a5xwx/truthmafia.com/archives/1554)

The longest joke in the world

No link posts, so you can read the whole thing here:

http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

For the longest time, I thought that you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks.

But he was never able play dead until just now! That rascal won't move no matter *what*

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Four American Indians are arguing over who has the longest penis

The first one says, "watch this," and proceeds to tie his into a knot.

The second Indian refuses to be outdone and proceeds to tie his in two knots.

The third Indian refuses to be shamed, so he ties his tight into three knots.

Then the forth Indian says, "How come?"

What do you call the longest side of a suicidal right-angled triangle?

The hypotenoose.

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

How I Met Your Mother

2 thirteen year olds competing

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

What letter has to wait in line the longest?

Q

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

The longest relationship I had was 10 days.

Then she deflated.

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What's the longest word in the world?

Marriage. Because it's not just a word, it's a fuckin' sentence.

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

I've been friends with my recliner the longest.

We go way back.

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