Longest Jokes - 79 Hilarious Longest Jokes

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the...

What's the Longest Word in English?

Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

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The longest joke I know

A mime had just been kicked off his street corner and was looking for a place to perform. He decides to go to the zoo where all the kids are and maybe get more attention. Well it works and he is a natural crowd pleaser. People gather around him and he is getting all the attention. This goes on for a...

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

What's the longest-lasting thing made in China?

COVID-19

Longest Drum Solo

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

the longest, most infuriating joke ever

One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.

"...

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

What is the longest word in the Spanish language?

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

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For the longest time scientists believed in a treatment for ED.

But until Viagra came along, there was no hard evidence.

For the longest time my wife refused to go spelunking with me...

But finally she caved.

The world's longest-running joke.

American Politics.

i couldn’t figure out seatbelts for the longest time.

then it just clicked.

Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history

He also caught that ball

What takes you the longest to get ready in the morning?

Finding the will to live.

The Longest Password Ever.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at ...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

A man entered a contest for who can last the longest in space. He got first place, so what did he win?

A-trophy

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

Why is today the longest day?

Because it's 24/7

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

The longest US sitting president...

would have been Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Probably the longest joke I know

So this man is driving in his car to work, and he hears this beautiful noise that he needs to immediately hear.

He drives to the noise and it brings him to a church where he encounters a priest, the noise is louder now, he asks the priest:

“What is that noise? It is so beautiful!”
<...

The Longest Joke in the World

http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

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What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

What is the world's longest lasting STD?

Children

Yesterday I had the longest deja vu....

I stayed 30 minutes in r/jokes.

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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

The longest relationship I’ve had is with my first vibrator.

We were together 7 years. Off and on.

for the longest time I've been told that we canadians apologize for a lot of things that aren't even our fault in the slightest

So in the name of all canadians I'd like to apologize for that

Allegedly the longest joke in the world: The story of Jack, and Nathan the Snake

It's actually so long that it won't fit into a Reddit post, but it's [worth the read if you have like an hour to kill.](http://www.wattpad.com/2012108-the-longest-joke-in-the-world-a-man-in-the-desert#.Uaa7x8qwUgk)

What’s the easiest, yet longest way to get fired?

Say something controversial on Twitter and wait 5 years.

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

My longest Pickup line.(Its actually a poem)

In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes.
In this garden, Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on, Never the less to say,
The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did sta...

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

Who's the longest serving Mayor of bacon city?

Oscar Mayer

My 9 year old son just told me this joke & hopefully its an original

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The guy with the longest penis in the world will never be forgotten.

He touched people very deeply.

What is the longest game of Deal or No Deal?

Brexit.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

The longest joke in the world

No link posts, so you can read the whole thing here:

http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

I just broke the record for the world's longest scream

Honestly I can't remember why I bought that thing on vinyl in the first place.

What do you call a droid that always take the longest route?

R2 Detour

The longest joke in the world (Shortened)

So this guy is driving in the desert when his car breaks down. He gets out and began looking for help. He can't find any and passes out of heat stroke. But he survives and a snake stared him right in the eyes. 'AHHHHH!!!' He screamed. 'Hello' said the snake 'My name is Nate and I am a magical snake'...

What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition?

Atrophy

What is equally the shortest and longest sentence

I do, just two words that lasts a lifetime *at least it feels like it sometimes*

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[Long] longest joke in the world

My dick

Didn't see that coming.

The Longest joke in the world (sorry if re-post)

it's totally worth it! [7 Page Joke](http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2a5xwx/truthmafia.com/archives/1554)

Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

How I Met Your Mother

A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

...and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man...

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

Why do procrastinators live the longest?

Because they die at the last second.

For the longest time I hated tumors....

but they are beginning to grow on me.

The longest relationship I had was 10 days.

Then she deflated.

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What's the longest word in the world?

Marriage. Because it's not just a word, it's a fuckin' sentence.

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

I've been friends with my recliner the longest.

We go way back.

The longest I've been sober is 5 years...

...then I turned six years old

What letter has to wait in line the longest?

A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

What is the longest part of a woman's body?

Her legs. They go from the floor all the way to paradise.

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[NSFW] The world record for the longest cumshot is 14 Feet.

"Was it a local dude?"

"No, he came from afar."

Credits to u/Moontoya

What's the longest game in the world?

Two women playing pool.

When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me.

He was in denial.

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Four American Indians are arguing over who has the longest penis

The first one says, "watch this," and proceeds to tie his into a knot.

The second Indian refuses to be outdone and proceeds to tie his in two knots.

The third Indian refuses to be shamed, so he ties his tight into three knots.

Then the forth Indian says, "How come?"

When they told me the longest race ever had taken nearly 5 hours, I chuckled.

I’ve been running from my responsibilities for 19 years now.

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry M...

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I gave up alcohol last year.

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I tried to give up sex, but it wasn't any longer.

People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river .

I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile.

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Probably longest spider-joke in the world

There was this manager of a psychiatric ward who walks down the aisles to look if everything is in order. As he walks by one of the rooms, a patient approaches him: *"Sir you need to see what I just found out. This is a discovery no one has made before."* As the manager had nothing better to do and ...

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**

Your Turn :)

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

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