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Cashews Jokes

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A man is sitting on a flight from NYC to London

He feels a little cold, so he asks the cabin attendant for a blanket. The cabin crew completely ignores him. On the seat next to him is no other than a parrot. The parrot screams "get me a scotch on the rocks you stupid cunt". Not a moment passes and the parrot gets a nice glass of whiskey. The man ...

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What do cashews and prostitutes have in common?

It’s an expensive nut.

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

I was just eating cashews and one of them fell into my bra.

Is it still a cashew or is it a chestnut now?

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Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

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What do you call two cashews having sex?

Idk but it’s fucking nuts.

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

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I woke up with my dick in a jar of cashews

I've always loved cashews this....this is fucking nuts.

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I have a friend whose fetish is cashews.

He's fucking nuts.

Have you seen the prices of Almonds and Cashews?

They're nuts.

What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog.

One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

Finally NNN is over!!

Gonna eat almonds and cashews all day!!

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

What do you call expensive shoes?

Cashews..

- My 9 yr old son.

What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews

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A guy goes to his doctor and says...

"I need help. I can't resist the urge to put my penis into bowls of cashews."

The doctor says "You're fucking nuts!"

What kinda fancy footwear does Mr.Peanut wear?

Cashews

What do you call survivors of brothel arson?

Pistachios



What does the shepherd call the sheep he just sold? Cashews

What’s another name for a pearl necklace? Chestnut

What’s on the other side of a gloryhole? Walnuts

What was the peeping Tom doing? Pecan



Please help me fill out my nut pun reper...

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A naked man runs past me down the street...

Seeing this I yell "Oi you!"

He turns and reveals he's clutching a bag of cashews to protect his modesty.

"Are you fucking nuts?"

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

If money could eat, what would be its favorite kind of nut?

Cashews!

If I glued dollar bills to my sneakers, what would you call them?

Cashews

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I think my wife is leaving me.

My wife found me in the kitchen with my penis in a jar of cashews.
She said I'm fucking nuts.

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A colleague told me a nutty joke

Her: What do you have if you have two nuts on the wall?

Me: Walnuts?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts in wrapped in a dollar bill?

Me: Cashews..?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts on your chin?

Me: I dont know..

Her: Probably a d...

What kind of nuts go on your feet?

*Sigh*...


Cashews.

Walnut daiquiris

Old Doc Brown had a peculiar routine for the end of his workday. He would always stop at the bar on his walk home and slowly sip a walnut daiquiri. Like clockwork, 5 days a week for 20 years, Doc Brown would stroll in at 6pm, sit at the end of the bar, and drink his daiquiri.

Jack tended the ...

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An inspector goes in to an asylum...

He needs to make sure that all of the patients' rooms are up to code, following a new set of regulations.

When he enters the first room, the patient is shooting an imaginary basketball.

The inspector asks, "What are you doing?"

"When I get out of here, I'm going to be in the N...

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First day at the mental hospital

It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm b...

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