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Brains Jokes

Outside my house last night, zombies wouldn't stop moaning "brains! brains! brains!"

So I went out there and gave them a piece of my mind.

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

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What has more brains than Hitler?

The wall behind him.

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains

This gives me hope for humanity.

Selling brains for charity

Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.

Obama offers his brains for $100,000.

"Why so much?", someone asks.

"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".

Trump offers his brains for $10,000,000.

"That's ...

What happened to the cannibal who had difficulties eating brains?

The others gave him a hand.

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Why did Hitler blows his brains out?...

Because he saw his gas bill.

Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp.

He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Young man, we need brains in our business

"I know you do. That is why I'm looking for a job here."



Source: 1913 newspaper

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Men's brains

My girlfriend told me that Men's brains are all in their penises. I told her that I like it when she blows my mind.

What do zombies eat with brains?

Grave-y

Brains For Sale

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'Brains for Sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, Truck Driver $40.00 a pound and Lawyers brains $90.00 a pound....

Brains are a funny thing ...

... like for example, did you know that if you tilt your head back and pretend you're shaking salt onto your tongue, you will ACTUALLY taste the salt?

What do you call a blonde with brains?

A golden retriever

Trump has two brains: left and right

Just that on the left, there’s nothing right;
On the right, there’s nothing left...

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

I read somewhere we only use 10% of our brains

I read some where we only use 10% of our brains

I wonder what the other half is used for ??

They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people

They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed



and the other is our child's.

What’s the difference between your brain and your body?

We WANT our brains to be wrinkly

Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty.

Wife: I don’t get it

(True story)

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

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Brains

After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside: "I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
...

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If Claudia Schiffer married Brains from The Thunderbirds, she would become Claudia Schiffer-Brains.

Claudia Shit for brains.

I saw a guy with a turban coughing his brains out

I think he might be Sikh

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Doctor! Doctor! My brains look like my testicles!

I’m sorry, son. It’s a serious case of cerebral ballsy.

Remember, big brains are important...

but big muscles are importanter

Husband: You know dear, our son got his brains from me.

Wife: I think he did, I still have mine with me!

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

Eating brains is very fattening.

A mind is a terrible thing to waist.

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Who decided to call it 'beauty with brains' and not...

'Wits on tits'?

When god was handing out brains i thought he said trains...

And asked for a slow one.


-my grandma

I'm in the O.R. waiting room waiting on my daughter's brain surgery please tell me a joke

My daughter is having her pituitary gland removed. She has Gigantism like Andre The Giant.


Update!
She has been out of surgery for less then 10 hours and is doing great. (for someone that brain surgery for breakfast) Most of the pituitary gland was removed. The doctors are great and t...

“Do you love me for my beauty or brains?” asks the woman

Without missing a beat he replies: “I love your self confidence dear”

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

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