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Believe In Jokes

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible

I’m an eighth-theist

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

You can make a capitalist poor and they’ll still believe in Capitalism

But if you make a socialist rich, you have a new capitalist.

I don't believe in Reincarnation....

And I didn't believe in it last time, either.'

I don't believe in the Big Bang

Considering it's a multiverse, I'm thinking "medium" Bang is more likely

I used to not believe in chiropractors...

But now, I stand corrected.

I don’t believe in reincarnation anymore

But I used to in a past life

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

Do you believe in life after death?

A Boss Asks his Employee: “Do you believe that there is Life After Death?”.

Employee: “Certainly not Sir, there’s no proof of it”.

Boss: “Well, there is.... After you left office early yesterday to go to your cousin’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”

Do you believe in abortion?

Girl: Dad, do you believe in abortion?

Father: Ask your sister.

Girl: I don't have a sister...

Father: Exactly.

I don't believe in superstitious stuff, but these crystals I bought a week ago have been amazing.

I've been happier, more focused, and even started losing some weight.

Plus, I'm good friends with the guy selling them and I got them pretty cheaply.

Not only that, but he was nice enough to throw in a glass pipe to smoke the meth with.

I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment

So I send them to school wearing crocs and skechers and let other kids beat them instead

If you believe in the market...

That makes you a bull.

If you don't believe the market, that makes you a bear.

If you don't care about the market, does that make you un-bear-or-bull?

Note: first joke I've made for reddit, sorry if it's not very good.

What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

Reintarnation.

Why did egyptians never believe in science

Because they were in da Nile

I choose to believe in female minotaurs.

I have a lass-half-bull mindset.

Does anyone here believe in psychokinesis?

Raise my hand.

I believe in love at first sight....

.....but science calls it an erection.

Do Sergeants believe in Corporal punishment...

Or is that a Private matter ?

It's a little known fact that bears believe in astrology...

It's called The Kodiak.

One of their pickup lines is "Hey honey... what's ursine?"

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

I don't believe in pronouns,

They made me fail English

I don't believe in ghosts....

I think if they were real, they'd be more transparent about it.

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For those that don't believe in miracles

My wife has had 3 virgin births. We are truly blessed.

Those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

LMFAO! I found a page of one liners my gramma wrote in her last days. Figured I'd post a few of them occasionally. Hopefully you guys find them as I do!

Mike Pence doesn't believe in science

But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables

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Do you believe in genies?

A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed off and shanked it right through...

I don't believe in aliens...

They lie too much.

So apparently my neighbor doesn’t believe in air conditioning

He’s an ACeist

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

Apparently, people in Dubai don’t believe in the Flintstones.

But Abu Dhabi do!

What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa Clause?

Eggnog-stic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you believe in change?

That shit makes cents

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

I once met a blind man who didn't believe in Braille

He told me, 'I'll believe it when I see it!'

Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?

Because a stitch in time saves nein.

I told my son to believe in his dreams, and my wife got mad.

She is probably just cranky though since we both just got woken up by our son who had a nightmare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ofcourse I believe in astrology....

I am just like my star sign. A virgin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new wife doesn’t believe in post-marital sex either

Says she wants to save herself for somebody special.

“Do you believe in life after death?”

Asked the boss to his employee.

“No, I don’t.... why do you ask?”

“Well, your grandmother who died and you took off yesterday to go to the funeral for....

She stopped in this morning to say hi to you!”

I don't believe in peer pressure.

Unless my friends do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't believe in the death penalty

the last person I want to see in Hell is the asshole who just killed me.

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you believe in ghosts?

So it's the first day of the parapsychology class. The teacher asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"

All of the students raise their hands.

"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"

About 90% of the students raise their hands.

"And how many of you have ever touch...

Does anybody else believe in solipsism..

Or is it just me?

Why doesn't ants believe in God?

... Because they're in sects.

Why do people believe in election fraud?

Christians are known to believe in something without proof.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a sex-addicted atheist believe in?

Nutting!

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

What kind of magic do cows believe in?

Moodoo

I used to believe in Ra...

but it turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

I dont believe in using animals for testing...

They always get all nervous and pick the wrong answers.

I don’t believe in anything...

Unbelievable, I know.

I don't believe in the mixing of the races.

I mean it's ridiculous, all those horses would trample the marathoners.

I don't believe in astrology at all.

But I am a scorpio, and we are all born skeptics.

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa?

Rebel without a Claus.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall si...

I strongly believe in karma.

Like this other day i noticed a homeless man sitting in front of the supermarket. He seemed to have a difficult time.

I went into the supermarket and collected some stuff to give to the homeless man, i wrapped it up neatly in some wrapping paper and went back outside

The homeless man a...

I strongly believe in karma. What you do to others you'll get back eventually.

So the other week i was pouring ravioli down my neighbours letterbox. And I kept thinking - I wonder what thev've done to deserve this.

Do you believe in Hinduism?

Do you believe in Hinduism? Because I heard that they consider your mom a sacred animal.

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