Because Of Jokes - 102 Hilarious Because Of Jokes

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

In your 20s, a woman looks at you because of your youth and vitality.

In your 30s, a woman looks at you because of your poise and sophistication.

In your 40s, a woman looks at you because of your maturity and wisdom.

...At my age, when a woman looks at me, I check that I put my trousers on the right way round.

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately,...

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife said she's leaving because of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! Don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

My wife left me because of autocorrect

That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "Can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket?"

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes

I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart

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My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

My Father Didn't Serve In Vietnam Because Of A Problem With His Feet

They were in Canada

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I think my girlfriend left me because of my small dick.

She said she just wasn’t feeling it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

My wife left me because of how insecure I am.

Nevermind, she is back. She was just getting some tea.

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

My wife left me because of my obsession with golf

It’s ok

I figured our relationship was on the 18th hole

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Grandpa can't be stand to be near fireworks because of his PTSD from the war...

One day I asked him about what happened and he let out a sigh and sat me down.

"It was 1951 in Korea, memorial day. I was stationed North of the parallel and it felt like today could finally be the one day we could relax and take a break from the war.

"The platoon spent the whole day ...

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my “lack of vocabulary”…

What’s that even supposed to mean?

I just quit my job in the helium factory because of the way management spoke to me.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

My girlfriend is not talking to me because of my obsession with Björk.

Its oh so quiet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad went to jail because of his beliefs.

He believed he could masturbate on the bus.

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake.

I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."

My wife,Rose,is leaving me because of my obsession with pens

Biros

Because of a spelling error, beer will no longer be served in Hell.

When they redid the sign over the gates they made it say "Abandon all hops, ye who enter here."

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

My dad got fired as a road worker because of stealing.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home.

All the signs where there.

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

Because of COVID19...

We will be converting all TCP applications to UDP to avoid handshakes.

People are shocked that a company fired a woman because of her bad figure.

But in their defense, it was *Figure 2.7: why my boss is an idiot.*

My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.

At least thats what the cat told me.

My girlfriend left me because of my terrible Arnie impersonations.

But she'll return.

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

My wife recently left me because of my pasta-touching fetish

I have been feeling cannelloni

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

-Sir, there are people protesting our products outside because of our animal testing.

-I'm tired of all this hypocrisy …big pharma and cosmetics test their products on animals all the time…
-Yes sir, but we make dildos.

Everyone thinks pound cake is called "pound cake" because of the ingredients

But it's actually named after the place it was invented, "Pound Town",

You know, where your mom lives.

I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.

My wife is leaving me because of my insecurities.

Ah, it’s okay, she’s back, turns out she just went shopping.

Jesus died because of your sins…

He was very cross.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my employees said he couldn't come to work today because of a perforated colon.

I think he is full of shit.

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

A man was always travelling by plane everywhere. Because of that, he spent so much time on airports he developed an illness.

It was terminal.

Hated the view from my yard because of the tree...

So I called a tree guy to take it down. I asked him to remove the stump, and he said "Oh I can't, you have to call a stump guy."

So I call the stump guy, he takes out the stump, and I say "Aren't you gonna fill the hole?"

He said "Oh, no, you'll have to call a landscaper for that. ...

My ex and I only stay together because of shared insurance.

We're friends with benefits.

My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

She didn't believe I was God.

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

This is the first year I’m not going to travel because of covid

Normally it’s because I’m poor

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A man died because of his extremely large penis.

He was hung to death

My wife and I never got a divorce because of the kids:

Neither of us wanted them.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

I got in trouble because of a commercial

I went to the store because I needed some milk. I got my milk, a pizza, french fries and a candy bar. I went to the self checkout , paid for my milk and started to leave.

A cashier stopped me and told me I hadn't paid for all my stuff.

I calmly pulled out my insurance card and told he...

You order one home delivered pizza because of the pandemic!

And you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

Stay safe!

My wife left me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok cos this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...

She was Psycho and I was Logical.

I tried to sue an airport because of my missing luggage.

I lost my case.

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.

He beat me at Mario Kart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see the doctor because of my hip…

He did some test on me and said: “you need to stop jerking off”. I was really surprised and asked why, he replied: “it’s very weird in this medic office”

People should not move to Canada because of Trump

They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Because of my cakeday, I'm going to make a joke about cake

You butter believe it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because of blue balls.

He comes in to the doctors office and says

"Doctor! Doctor! One of my balls is completely blue! It doesn't hurt, but im really afraid"

The Doctor looks at the patients testicle and agrees that it doesn't look very good. The doctor decides to be on the safe side and removes the patien...

Don't let anyone convince you you can't do something because of your disability.

Beethoven was told he could never be a musician, but he didn't listen.

Southwest had to ground so many flights because of inclement weather....

I guess you could call this weather "hurricane Brandon".

Men who are liked by girls, solely because of their bank balance...

....should be called Cashanovas

My girlfriend wants me gone because of my obsession with cats.

Shes kicking meowt

Because of lock down my hair has never been longer

But it is really starting to grow on me

What is the status of a hippo that is mourning because of his recently passed wife?

In the Nile

This year was the first year I couldnt travel to Europe because of Covid-19.

Before this I couldnt because I didnt have money.

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping

David Beckham warned me this might happen...

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

staying home because of Corona

When this lockdown will finally be over, the first thing I need to do is to relax at home for a few days.

I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

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