Beatles meeting:

Paul: Any ideas on the ending for Hey Jude?

John: Nah.
George: Nah.
Ringo: Nah.

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A dung Beatle walks into a bar and asks

Is this stool taken?

I am thinking of making a cover band of Beatles without the drums.

I would name it The Beatles with an extra 's'.

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What would one of the Beatles say during an orgy?

Cum together, right now, over me.

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?

Penne Lane

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What happens when a beatles takes viagra?

It’s been a hard days night. I’ll be sleeping with a log

What do you call a Soviet Beatle?

John Lenin

A guy in an old, rusty VW beatle

Waiting for the traffic light to turn green..
Suddenly comes a brand new ferrari and stops next to him.

Beatle guy looks at the ferrari - "Hey you.. wanna change cars?"

Ferrari guy confused - "what do you mean??"

Beatles guy - "ill give you my car and you give me yours.."
...

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums.

I need Help.

Did you hear The Beatles were dead?

It's halfway true.

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I have every Beatles album except one.

I need Help.

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner...

And all of them are happily sat there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

“Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his fingers on the table.

John is the first to speak up...

I hear The Beatles influenced the COVID19 treatment policy at Italian hospitals...

Live... Let Die... Live... Let Die...

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I'm a big fan of the Beatles, in particular Paul McCartney.

I made an account on the official Beatles website and made my profile picture an album of Paul McCartney throughout the years. However an admin told me I was going to be banned, I asked why and was shown the list of rules and the first was "Users are not allowed multipaul accounts."

What did people say when the Beatles broke up?

Ono.

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My friend isn't speaking to me after I gave him a Beatles suggestion.

He asked me what Beatles album he should pick up, and I told him "Dude, you need to get Help."

I tried taking my newly purchased Beatle back to the Volkswagen dealership the other day...

He punched me in the arm and said; "no returns!"

Why did Paul McCartney quit the Beatles?

He drank RedBull.

The Beatles were recording in a studio. John says, "Look! Yoko's here"

Paul, George and Ringo say: O no

What do you call the Beatles' drummer when in Mexico?

Gringo Starr

What’s a horse’s favourite Beatles song?



Hay Chewed.

Naming your favorite Beatle is like declaring your favorite child.

It's George.

"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son.

"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded

What is r/AskOuija's favorite Beatles song?

H E L L O Goodbye

What did Ringo say before the Beatles broke up

Hey guy's can we try some of my songs?

It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

What do you need for the reunion of the Beatles?

A pistol and two cartridges.

Ringo is the best Beatle

Because without him, they would be beatless

What would The Beatles have been called if Ringo never joined?

The Beatless

I've never been a fan of the song 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles.

The ending is just too salty.

What did the other Beatles say when John married again?

Oh no.

What music didn't the Beatles invent?

Hip Hop, the weren't grasshoppers after all

I found out about this cool underground band called The Beatles.

Well actually only about half of them are underground at the moment.

Where are all the old Beatles records stored?

The Lennon closet.

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What do dung beatles like on their hotdogs?

Mus-turd

What’s an unvaccinated kid’s favorite Beatles song?

When I’m Four

I feel sorry for the first drummer of the Beatles.

All he got was a stupid street named after him, while Ringo Starr got the love and affection of tens of women.

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Really disappointed with the new Beatles album

It's all drum & bass

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

A dung beatle walks into a bar.

Is this stool taken?

(I heard this one a while back, sorry) Why can't you use a the restroom at a Beatles reunion concert?

Because there is no John.

What do you call the Russian version of The Beatles "Let It Be"?

So Be It.

What's yellow and lives off dead beatles?

Yoko Ono

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...




Courtesy of my dad when I was 5.

What would reunite the Beatles?

2 more bullets

Did you hear what happened to Jude from the Beatles song?

He died of a Sodium overdose.

Son: Dad can you tell me your favorite Beatles lyric?

Son, son, son, here it comes:

What is the Beatles' favourite social media site?

REDDIT BE

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Didn't realise girls who are into bukkake are also Beatles fans.

Until I was involved in one and she looked up at all the guys and said 'Cum together, over me.'.

Why do Flat Earthers hate The Beatles?

Because the Earth is round, it turns them off.

My sister asked me who sings the 'Black Beatles' song [OC]

I told her probably John Melanin.

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried buy only some of the songs off of a Beatles album

But the store owner said they all come together

If The Beatles were from Hawaii...

What would they have called their song, "Hello Goodbye?"

Why won't hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die?

Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they're underground

(Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep talking shit about Ringo Starr's drumming.

But let's be honest: at his time in The Beatles, he certainly was in the drumming Top 4 of The Beatles!

What do Linda McCarthy and a spider web the in common?

They hang out with dead Beatles.

What's the Hong Kong police's favorite pop group?

The Beatles.

Before the internet, things still went viral...

For example, The Beatles, among others, spread all over the world.

I guess you could say there were a few bugs going around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Tork of the Monkees has died, leaving just 2 surviving members.

Still copying the fucking Beatles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Lennon at the pearly gates...

St Michael looks at him and says, “I know you don’t I?”
Lennon shrugs and says that it’s possible, yes. St Michael nods and asks where he would know him from. Lennon drawls, “Well, I used to be in a band, you know?”
St Michael asks the name of the band and Lennon replies, “It was a little beat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is in a bathroom stall having a shit when he hears the guy in the next cubicle singing.

"Hey," he says. "I know that tune. That's The Beatles."

"Very good," says the guy in the next stall.

"Would you like to hear some of The Stones?" he says.

The guy pauses, and says, "Yes, go on then."

"OK," he grunts. "Let me just push a bit harder."

Pope John Paul II...

...was on a tour of the United States some years ago. During a stop in Atlanta, an admirer presented him with a beautiful handmade ring. But somehow, in the hectic confusion of the tour, the ring was misplaced.

"Don't worry, Your Holiness," said the pope's aide. "I'm sure it will turn up b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A manic depressive horse named John

There once was a manic depressive horse named John. He was drinking away his problems in a bar that was popular among the local animals because they didn't card. You see, ever since he was a young colt, John used music to deal with his emotions. He started off with a vinyl record of The Beatles' *Re...

Fun fact: taking a can of bug spray to my phone will delete half my music library

by killing all of The Beatles

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My Dad sent me this email titled "Politically Correct Jokes"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

I'm such a hipster...

I'm such a hipster that I won't listen to the Beatles until they're all dead. That way I can say I was a fan when they were underground.

True Chuck Norris Encounters

A priest, a rabbi, and a potato farmer walk into a bar. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them all in the face because he already knows this joke won't be funny enough.

A reporter once asked Chuck Norris why he decided to shave his beard. He responded, "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

---------------

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It’s mostly drum and bass.

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