Baffled Jokes - 117 Hilarious Baffled Jokes

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Scientists are baffled by cat remains on Mars..

You can guess who killed them.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

The year is 1939, Soviet troops are marching on Finland

As they cross the border, the general hears a Finnish voice just over a hill saying "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!".

The general laughs and sends 10 soldiers to take the hill, after a minute or so of gunfire, the same voice says "one Finnish soldier is better than 1...

NASTY JOKE WARNING: A man pulls into a motel late at night....

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, "what can I do for you?" The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake."

"Oh, well congratulations," the clerk said. "I'll give you a nice cabin by the lake." He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He wa...

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

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No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

Marine biologists were baffled by why Jaws would always swim away after chomping off swimmers' legs.

Turns out he's lack toes intolerant.

My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore.

It's because she keeps me in Czech.

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Inspector Lee’s Technique

Inspector Lee was the finest detective in the city. Whenever the police were baffled, they called in Lee and his Foo dog to find out the identity of the criminal.

One day, the police were again baffled by a bank robber who had slipped into a crowd of people. They called in Lee and asked him ...

A mailman is baffled at how to mail a letter addressed "to the greatest drummer in the world."

So what is he supposed to do? He's gotta send it. He hoofs it back to the post office, and shows it to his boss. The boss says, "come on man, send it to Chick Webb." So he does.

Chick Webb, the bandleader from Baltimore, sees the letter on his kitchen table and says, "Jesus! That can't be for...

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A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D...

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

The guy replies: "If I say 'why the rabbit?' I will get the job, am I right?"

The inspector, baffled, asks: "How di...

The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're n...

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There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

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One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...

MAN: Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls.

The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...

DOC: WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls?

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A dog wants to send a telegram…

A dog wants to send a telegram to his brother. He walks into the telegram office and waits in line. When it’s his turn, he relays his message to the attendant.

“Bark bark bark, bark. Bark bark bark, bark bark.”

Somewhat amused, the attendant says, “You know, we’ve got a special right ...

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A suicidal man

had enough of being unhappy and decided to jump off his balcony. He went out to the balcony and grabbed the rail while looking up to the sky for a sign. Something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He lowers his gaze and sees his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the st...

Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada...

Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada, who was swerving across the road. He asks: "Did you have anything to drink?"

"No," says the man.

The cop doesn't believe him and gives him a breathalyzer test. The man blows into the device and the result comes back negative. The police ...

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A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.”

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's hol...

Tractor joke incoming!

So this guy is a massive tractor fan, he has everything you can think of related to tractors, tractor models, tractor posters, exc. Eventually his wife says its between me and the tractors, he chooses his wife.

One day walking down the road there is a house fire that is mostly put out but has...

MS Joke

A helicopter with a pilot and a passenger was flying around above a large city when a malfunction disabled all of it's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get to their destination.

...

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It’s a rainy Tuesday and a dwarf lady runs into a doctors office in tears.

She sobs and tells the doctor “I can’t stand it any more, every time it rains I get a terrible pain in my crotch! Can you help me?”

The doctor is rightly baffled by this, so he asks the lady to get on the table so he can examine her. Straight away he says “Ah I can see the issue, and I’m sure...

A nun is walking to church.

As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"

She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"

Still baffled as she gets to the church,...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

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A rich guy and a poor guy are talking with each other....

Both of them are discussing what they got their wives for their anniversary.

The rich guy tells he got his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. The poor guy is amazed and asked him why he got two gifts for her.
The rich guy said, "Well, if she doesn't like the ring, she can go and return...

Superman has to make a doctor appointment...

The doctor is baffled when he walks into the patient room and finds THE Superman sitting on the bench.

"Erm... hello Superman, what seems to be the problem? I'm going to be honest I didn't realize that the man of steel needed to go to the doctor.."

Clearly uncomfortable Superman lowe...

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

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A Japanese woman is trying to exchange Yen for Dollars at a bank

With a baffled look on her face, she angrily demands, “Yesterday, it was 180 Yen to a dollar, today it’s 200. Why is that?”
The banker responds, “Fluctuations”
The woman snaps back, “Well, fuck you white people, too!”

An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.

The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can ...

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

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License and registration

A couple gets pulled over on their way home. The police officer asks for license and registration. The husband apologizes "I'm sorry officer, I can't seem to find my wallet..."

His wife immediately speaks up "Who are you kidding, your license expired 2 weeks ago. I told you you have to renew ...

For my wife's 30th birthday I got a man called David to visit our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, David walked around, looking at us occasionally.

"There's a definite tension between the two of you," David began, "but behind it all there's a certain desire, a lust. Yes, there's a craving for the physical. And there's friendship, too. Warmth, lots of warmth i...

What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?

I'm baffled

Martians arrive on earth

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the p...

Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"

Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

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The Gorillator

So a guy wakes up one weekend morning, brew himself a coffee and goes outside to grab his newspaper. Only problem, there is a gorilla chilling in his front yard tree...

The man, troubled, tries to call the animal control agents but they just tell him they cannot do anything about the gorilla ...

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A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar & orders a jack and coke. The bartenders gives the man an apple. The guy looks baffled & the bartender tells him to just try it.

The man took a bite out of the apple. "That tastes like Jack!"

"Turn it around." Says the bartender.

The man takes a ...

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A sailor walks into a public restroom and up to

a urinal and as he begins to do his business, without fail a 10year-old boy walks in and sees and him he starts to shout, golly Gee Mr., golly are you really a sailor? The sailor looks down at the kid and says sure kid would you like to wear my hat? The boy responded with an excited golly Gee yes! S...

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The Singing Blowjob [NSFW]

So this man go to a massage parlor to get a back massage. After the massage, the masseuse offered him a singing blow job. Intrigued, the man accepts. So the masseuse turned off the lights and started giving him a blowjob. Shortly after beginning she starts singing, in a clear and coherent manor. The...

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Four surgeons are discussing their favorite patients to work on.

The first surgeon to speak says "librarians are my favorite; when you cut them open, everything inside is alphabetical filed."

The next surgeon replies "I prefer to work on accountants, because everything is in numerical order."

The third surgeon rebuttles "electricians are the best, w...

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Two friends are out at the lake..

One of the guys pulls out this really, really long lighter. And his friend says, "Hey, that's a cool lighter. Where'd you get it?"
He says, "Oh, I've got this magic genie in a lamp. You know, rub the lamp, get a wish."
Friend goes, "Well shit, man! Don't hold out! I want a wish!"
"Okay, ...

A guy walks up to a bar to get his carry-out order.

A guy walks up to a bar to get his carry-out order. "Would you like anything to drink?" the bartender asks. "Yes, get me a blind Coke," the guy replies. "A blind Coke?" the baffled bartender asks. "I'm not sure what that is." "You know, a blind Coke," the guy insists. "A Coke with no ice."

A couple were living together after five years of being together

One day the girlfriend is in the kitchen and on top of the fridge she finds $10000 and four eggs. She is baffled by what the money and eggs would be doing there, so she goes and asks her boyfriend about it. “Hey baby, why is there $10000 and four eggs on the fridge?” Her finding it jolted him. “Oh. ...

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

A critic reads what the local newspapers say about him

The papers say that everything he says seems to contradict itself. Baffled and deeply offended by this, the critic loudly proclaimed:

"My rage is indescribable!"

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A guy is walking up to a bar and sees a guy shoving his finger up another guys butt.

As he gets closer he notices that they're both quite drunk. His curiosity about the finger gets the better of him so he asks "Hey man why are you shoving your finger up that guy's butt?"

The man replies "We're really drunk so I'm trying to help my friend throwup"

Baffled by this he as...

A plan to rob a bris was foiled by the Rabbi today...

Police are still baffled at how he managed to get a tip off!

A man is driving at night in the rain.

And then the car suddenly stop working. The man starts to get nervous, and then he sees something getting out of the woods in the roadside.

Then he hears a knock in the window. There is a dog, a german shepherd.

"Open the hood", says the dog. The man freezes and do nothing.

"Ope...

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

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A baby was born premature without eyelids

The doctors were baffled because they had never seen a baby born without eyelids before. Obviously eyelids are an important part of the human body so the doctors decided the best thing to do was take skin from somewhere else and use it to make eyelids for the baby.

The parents of the baby we...

Crows

One day, about a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway. Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles, and were covered in specs of varying paint.

After further investigation it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types...

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having Christmas together...

On Christmas morning when Luke and his father are exchanging gifts. Vader says to Luke “I know what you got me.” Baffled, Luke asks, “how?”
Vader then says,
“I have felt your presents.”

A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.

A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the p...

A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“Have you hit any yet” she asked

“Yeah, 3 male and 2 females”

Baffled she asked how he knew what they were

“Well 3 were in my beer and two were on the dishwasher”

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

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NSFW An Unusual Affliction

A man goes to his doctor to complain about what he believes is a social disease he's contracted.

"Doc, you've got to help me. My dick has turned completely orange!"

The Doc runs all the usual diagnostic tests, but they all come back showing he has a clean bill of health.

Baffled...

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

The sick mother in law

The man came home after visiting his sick mother in law.

His wife asked how her mother was doing.

The man responded, she is getting released in two days and moving in to our home!

Shocked, the wife says, how’s that possible? When I visited her yesterday, she was in the respira...

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A wife tells her husband that she can make him "happy and sad" at the same time.

The husband is baffled, "Wha what? how is that even possible?"

The wife replies "Well. you have the biggest dick of all your friends."

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I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered "fuck, some asshole has my pen".

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Man is lying in bed with his wife when suddenly someone yells from outside: "Look, he's fucking your wife!"

He quickly turns around in bed only to see her sleeping by his side, and really deep at it. He chooses to ignore it and goes on to sleep.
Just as he was taking asleep, the same voice yells again: "Look, he's really fucking your wife!"

Again, he turns but she's still sleeping, nothing looks...

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

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A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."

The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:

"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. C...

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The old man and the young boy...

One day an old man was sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking by holding a spool of chicken wire. The old man calls out to the boy and asks, "What do you have there boy?" The boy says, "I got me some chicken wire, I'm going to catch me some chickens!"

"I don't think it works that ...

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Trooper in Iraq

A man recently deployed to Iraq is being shown around his new base. At the end of the tour the commanding officer shows the soldier a camel tied to a post. He says,"The men use this camel whenever they begin to feel lonely, feel free to do the same." The soldier responds,"Oh, I'm sure it will never ...

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A boy and his balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for...

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A man is speeding to get to work on time.

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes offi...

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USSR jokes about America

My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:

So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.

Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in ...

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A Letter To Jesus

Some workers at the post office are sorting through the mail when they see a letter addressed to Jesus Christ. Baffled, they decide to open the letter, which reads as follows:

"Dear Jesus, I'm writing because I'm in a bind and I don't know where else to turn. I've talked to all of my so-call...

All about the delivery

'Why did the chicken cross the road...To get to the ugly persons house'

Person looks baffled whilst you have a giggle...

'You don't get it?! Never mind, anyway I've got another...knock knock'

Who's there?

Chicken...

A grasshopper walks into a crowded bar.

He sits down on a stool and orders a glass of beer. The bartender says, “That’s funny. I figured you’d order something different, especially since we’ve got a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper looks at the bartender baffled and says, “You’ve got a drink named Stan?”

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

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A man goes to the doctor

The receptionist asks him what he's there for, and the man whispers "my dick's orange."

The receptionist is a bit shocked, but tells him to go into examination room #1.

The doctor comes into the room shortly after, reads his chart, and says "Is this a joke?"

The man shakes his h...

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I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles

Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs...

I'm still baffled, I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

A guy wearing full camo sneaks into a bar

He tip-toes his way through the few customers idling about and tries to sneak behind the counter, but an invisible force violently pushes him back.

Realizing he's somehow been detected, he tries to escape from the bar only to be thwarted by another stern shove blocking his exit.

The ba...

A sinful engineer dies and goes to hell

The first thing he notices is how hot it is, so he builds an air conditioner. He then proceeded to build more and more over time and thanks to this engineer, Hell is completely air conditioned and has a booming economy in a few years. One day, God decides to check on Hell and is baffled at how much ...

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My doctor told me I really needed to stop masturbating.

I was pretty baffled. "I didn't know it was unhealthy! What's it going to hurt?"

He seemed a little stunned that I was stunned. "Look it's not that it's unhealthy; it's that I'm trying to examine you right now."

Recent study shows 3% of scientists are Republicans

Scientists are still baffled at how high this number is.

A group of 8 year old kids mysteriously get drunk at a slumber party

A boy has 5 of his friends over for a slumber party. His friends mom buys the kids two 2 liter bottles of Root Beer and begins serving it to the kids. Before the kids get through the first bottle they begin to act drunk, and the parents begin to notice that they smell like alcohol. One of the kid...

There is a new football club, Reddit F.C.

They play their first game, the striker has the ball near the goal with an open net. He smashes the ball to the post, gets it back, and smashes it to the post again. The crowd goes wild, cheering him as a god. The coach is baffled: "Why the hell is everybody celebrating him missing an open goal?!" T...

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

An elderly man goes to the doctor and says...

An elderly man goes to the doctor and says he has a concerning problem. "Doctor," he says, "when I pass gas, it no longer smells or makes a sound." Baffled, the doctor orders a full battery of tests; physical examination, blood work, CT scan, stool sample, the entire work up. After reviewing the ...

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

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A pastor was writing a sermon about sex

but he was a very shy man, especially when it came to taboo topics. While the sermon was intended to tell his congregation about how sex is important to a healthy marriage, he just couldn't bring himself to actually write the word "sex". Instead, he just decided to use the letter "S" in his written ...

A Man Notices His Tires Look a Little Flat

He takes his car to a local gas station with an air pump for the tires. He looks at the price for five minutes of air, and it says "$1.50". He then realizes he left his wallet at home. When he comes back with his wallet, the sign for the air pump says "$20" for five minutes. Baffled, he goes inside ...

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he respond...

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The Attack Monkey

After recently being robbed, a middle-aged wife tells her husband to go out and buy an attack dog. So the next day, the man goes out to his local pet store. "Hello sir, I would like to purchase an attack dog." The store clerk shakes his head. "Sorry, we don't sell attack dogs here. But we DO have an...

One day a teacher asked her students to use geometry in a sentence

The teacher was baffled that nobody could come up with just one sentence, and finally asked one quiet student in the back to say one... The student looked at her and said:

Once there was a little acorn and it was planted in the ground and grew and grew until one day he awoke and said "gee I'...

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Hitler steps through a time machine

Five scientists are standing around a time machine when Hitler steps through.

Hitler turns to them and says "We are going to kill one million Jews and two clowns."

The scientists are baffled by this and ask Hitler "Why the two clowns?"

Hitler responds back "Exactly! Nobody care...

Italian spy joke

A German spy, Italian spy, and Russian spy are all caught while on duty and are going to be interrogated. They are being held in a prison cell with no windows and barely any food. The German spy goes first. He is sat down in a chair with his hands tied. He resists being tortured for 2 hours, before ...

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“Playing Truck Driver”

One day this man had gotten home from work and saw this boy in his neighborhood sitting outside on the sidewalk with a bag of M&Ms and an Alley Cat.

The little boy ate a couple M&Ms, bit the cat, moved 3 feet, ate some more M&Ms then bit the cat again.

The man confused as h...

A man went to a German food stand

A young man went to a German food stand to order a bratwurst. As he gets his order, both ends of the sausage were missing. It was nonetheless the best bratwurst he has ever tasted so he decides to ask why the ends were missing and if it improves the taste somehow.
The cook answered that just does...

A Russian walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of vodka

The barman serves him his shots, the Russian drinks, pays and leaves.

A month goes by and the Russian is back. Orders 4 shots as the prior month, drinks pays and leaves.

Same on the 3rd, 4th and 5th months.

By the 6th month, the barman curiously asks the Russian why does he come...

A man and his two friends are out in the desert.

A man and his two friends are out in the desert. They had been planning this for a while so they all made sure they brought something to help them cool off. The first guy brought a water bottle so he could pour the water over himself to cool down. They all thought this a was a smart idea. The second...

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A bus full of blind people was traveling on the road.

After driving for a long time, the bus driver gets tired and needs to rest. He parks the bus near a cafeteria.

"I'm going to eat lunch and take a rest," the driver says to the blind passengers. "I'll come back in an hour."

"No problem," says one of the blind men. "We'll play soccer whi...

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a white guy a black guy and a Mexican are lost in the desert..

a white guy a black guy and a Mexican are lost in the desert.. they stumble across a magic lamp in the sand and all eagerly rub the lamp, poof, a genie appears and says I shall grant each of you one wish, the black guy says I wish that all black people were back in Africa and living wealthy and heal...

Two men are stranded on an island

One day one of them smells bacon. He tells the other it must be a bacon tree.

The second man tells him no such thing exists, so the first man goes on a journey to find it and prove him wrong.

Days later, he arrives back to the same spot on the island bruised, with an arrow in his che...

A man walks into a bar.

He's lost his job, his wife left him, and his car was just stolen. He makes his way to the counter and orders a beer to drown himself in, sitting down next to a joke.

The joke turns and says to him, baffled: "This isn't how it's supposed to go."

The man replies "*You're* telling *me*?"

A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, an...

There was once a brilliant gastroenterologist.

There was once a brilliant **gastroenterologist** whose fame spread far and wide. He had the reputation of treating the worst of cases with best results. If nothing worked, his magical hand would.

But, this brilliant guy had a deep burning passion of his own. He had always wanted to be an aut...

Five Dutchmen crammed in an old Renault 4, are driving through Belgium when they get pulled over ...

Five Dutchmen are crammed in an old Renault 4 and driving through Belgium when they get pulled over by a traffic cop.

“Good morning, I guess you know why I pulled you guys over, don’t you?”

“Well officer, I actually don’t. We couldn’t have been speeding, this car won’t even make the s...

A priest and a math teacher...

die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, "If the math teacher gets this, imagine w...

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A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

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A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

A man was asking a doctor about increasing his manhood

The doctor recommends he rubs his member with lard twice a day, for a week. Baffled, but willing to try anything he follows orders. When he returns a week later he's fuming mad with the doctor. *It got smaller!* he exclaims. The doctor asks what kind of lard he was using, the answer was Crisco. The ...

two men are sitting in a bar

One of them looks at the other and says "you look familiar... whe're you from?" The second man replies "Ireland" The first man look astonished and says " No way I'm from Ireland me self , what a small world!"

The second man then looks at the first "What city?" The first man says "Doublin?" Th...

When Beethoven died he was buried near the town drunks favorite spot.

One day soon after the funeral the drunk heard a soft melody coming from Beethoven's grave.

As he got closer to the grave, the music became louder. Frightened, the drunk ran to the priest and asked him to listen.

The priest came along and listened. He was baffled and called for the t...

Peter was hiking through the forest…

when he came to a large hole. He threw in a small stone but didn’t hear it land. Confused, he picked up a larger rock, but still no thud. Thoroughly bewildered, he dragged over a large rock and heaved it into the hole. Still nothing.

He decided he needed to figure this out. Dragging over a ma...

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