I saw Kim Kardashian walk into the Subway I work at, order five sandwiches, and walk back out holding all of them. I wasn’t surprised.

It’s not the first time she’s taken several footlongs at once.

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I accidentally swallowed a string and when it came back out the other end, it was tied in a perfect little bow.

I shit you knot

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new boat!"

A lost rhinoceros wanders into a house and cannot find his way back out.

He panics and runs through a wall, destroying the kitchen. He's still inside the house so he breaks through another wall, finding himself in the bathroom. He's frustrated that he still hasn't gotten out of the house and he tears through a third wall. Still, he has not found his way out of the house....

I did something I shouldn't have this morning and threw my back out.

Now I need to find a new one..

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The Smallest Dick In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one...

Finally the bee that got into my room has just found its way back out...

Now who's buzzing?

I pulled my back out trying to uproot a smooth-skinned sapling.

That stupid son of a birch!

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

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Good old number 367

Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I g...

A Muslim walks into a bar

and walks back out again.

Ted Bundy was out one day having a lovely stroll with a lady friend.

They were walking through a gorgeous, secluded forest. After walking a while the sun was setting and it began to get dark.

The young lady turned to Ted and said, 'It's starting to look creepy here, I'm scared'.

Ted looked at her astonished and replied 'You're scared? How do you think ...

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

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One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

A guy gets in bed with girl

"I'm first time doing this, what should i do."

"Don't worry I know everithing. Just stick it in."

"Ok now pull it out"

"Now back in"

"Now back out"


"Damm girl i think you don't know it either"

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Getting to know each other

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nic...

Deb, a blonde, gets caught in a hailstorm.

And so she brings her badly dented car to the body shop. The mechanic decides to play a trick on her.

The mechanic, pretending to inspect the car says, "I see you got caught in yesterday's hailstorm. There's an easy fix for that. When you get home, just blow really hard on the tail pipe and a...

A guy in NY orders a taxi to go cross state. The taxi pulls up, and he gets, carrying a large box which he puts in the back.

They set out driving, while the guy is looking at the box nervously every ten minutes or so. When they get to New Jersey, the man calls his wife. ''Hi honey, yes, they did give me the jewelry. I'll have it priced in Atlanta, it'd probably be 200 thousand or so. I'll call you when I'm done''.
...

I almost got a tattoo of my life motto the other day.

"Never back out".

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender goes: "Oh shit, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.

The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.

The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.

One patron takes ...

A Joke Told to Me by an Old Mountain Man.

An elderly gentleman has been placed in a prestigious nursing home. After staying here for several weeks, his family returns to check on him and see how he likes the place. The old man says, "I hate it here. Every time that I lean to the left, a nurse comes and straightens me back out. Every time I ...

Batman and Robin are at a restaurant

ordering some food. Robin, being the glutton he was, started with some caviar and ordered a Hereford beef sirloin steak. Batman wasn't feeling well, so he only wanted a glass of water without ice.

After a few minutes in silence, Robin wanted to break the tension.

"Hey, are you feeling ...

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 min...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer and look around when he sees a hat filled with money on the bardisk. He asks the bartender what's with the hat?

Bartender: "Well, that's a fun little game we have here. You see, I have a horse in the stables out back who just can't laugh. I...

A little boy and his grandfather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back ...

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Not a dad joke

A couple have sex every day for months, trying in vain to conceive. Eventually they go to the fertility doctor to get tested. The wife goes in first and comes back out a short while later with perfectly normal test results. The man goes in second, but when he comes out, his head is hanging low. He t...

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Three men are talking

Three men are talking, and they each mention how they think they have the smallest body parts in the world. One man says that he has the smallest head in the world. The second man says that he has the smallest feet in the world. The third man says that he has the smallest penis in the world. They al...

The inventor of the USB died today.

They lowered his coffin,

raised it back out,

flipped it over,

lowered it again,

raised it back out,

flipped it over again,

then lowered it down again.

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm ...

It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year!

It took doctors 6 hours to get it back out again.

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,

"May I ple...

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

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The assassin

An assassin walks into a gun store one day and tells the owner “I need the best scope that you have, I don’t care about the price we can talk about it later I just want to see the best you have.” So the owner goes into the back and comes back out and shows the scope to the assassin and says “This is...

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her "What are you suppose to be?"

She said, "Puss in boots."

So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, "Who the fuck are you suppose to be?"

I said, "If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator..."

Have you seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through the woods when they came upon a huge hole. They wondered how deep it was so they stared to drop things down it. They started with a stone, and listened. Nothing. Then a large log. Still nothing. Then they found a huge piece of concrete. The two of them struggled to get ...

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A hunter would know . . .

On a Saturday morning, a hunter got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, grabbed his shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was ...

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3 men are in training for a position with the CIA...

All 3 of them have passed every written assessment, cleared all of the physical trials, and only have to face one final test.

The first of the three walks into the room and faces the panel of examiners. They hand him a gun and tell him all he has to do now is prove his loyalty by entering the...

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Three special forces men are out camping one evening.

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at the campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."...

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A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

Kenny the Rooster

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Ken...

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A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my ...

The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians...

And was about to be put to death. The Chief spoke, "Since you are about to die, I'll grant you a wish."

The Lone Ranger said, "I want to talk to my horse."

The Chief thought it was an odd request, but consented, and Silver was led around to the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispered ...

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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey...

He sits at the bar and orders a beverage. It’s midday and the bar is empty so the bartender tells the man that he can let the monkey off his leash. The man obliges, and the monkey goes straight to the pool table. He’s rolling the cue ball around when he suddenly picks it up, sniffs it, then swallows...

A blonde walks into Best Buy...

She approaches an associate and asks the price of a TV in the corner, but to her surprise, the associate looks at her and tells her that they don't serve blondes.

The blonde goes home and dies her hair brown, the returns to the store and asks the same question - only to get the same reply. ...

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3 guys were at their final test to become FBI agents.

The instructor said " ok guys during this job we have a lot of information that can't be leaked. So to prove you will do anything to keep this information confidential we have each of your wives in a separate room. I want you to take this gun and kill your wife."

The first guy takes the gun g...

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With Heaven getting full of good people, God decided to limit who got in by only allowing people who died horrible deaths.

So three men show up to the pearly gates and God asks the first man how he died.

The first man begins, "I was recently suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So one day I decided to come home early during my lunch break to check if my suspicions were real. I get to my apartment building and o...

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My wife was in a coma.

But then, the doctor who was treating her said, "The only way she'll wake up is through oral sex".

"By God!", I replied disgustedly.

The doctor assured me saying, "I've seen it work."

As a loving and responsible husband I said, "Well, I'm willing to try".
I then warily entere...

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There once was a man who loved tractors,

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely adored them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor anime(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was ...

Three strings were walking down the street looking for a good time.

They come upon a bar and figure they'd go in for a drink. The first one stops & points out a sign to the others "No Strings Allowed". Well, the first one, not wanting to be discriminated against says "Screw this, I'm going in." As he enters the bar, the bartender shouts "HEY STRING, get out! no ...

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A man walks into a Chinatown apothecary

He tells the proprietor that he has a date with a gorgeous woman that night. The woman, however has an incredible sex drive, and she has left every man she had ever been with after a single night because they could not satisfy her.

The proprietor nods his head and asks the man to wait. He g...