The 35+ Best Separated Jokes

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

Two cowboys had been separated from their horses, their herd, and their fellow cowboys.

They hadn't eaten much for two days and they were getting hungry. All of a sudden, the first cowboy saw what looked to be a tree covered in bacon. "A bacon tree!" he shouted, "we're saved!". Both of the cowboy ran to the tree and gazed adoringly and in hunger at the branches. All of a sudden they we...

So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.

He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.

So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"

The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on yo...

One Christmas Eve, a man and his wife were shopping in town and became separated...

The woman called him on her cell phone and said, "Where are you?" The guy said, "Remember that little jewelry store we went into last year and you found that diamond necklace that you wanted, but I couldn't afford to buy it for you?" The woman was overcome with emotion and said "Yes, yes ... I remem...

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two Inmates are caught having sex and need to be separated, who leaves the cell first?

The guy on bottom. He already has his shit packed.

A motorbike got separated from its parents in a supermarket…

An announcement was made to help identify the bike.
“Has anyone lost their motorbike? He claims he is Harley & Davids son”

The real reason Jack and Rose separated at the end...

Jack got cold feet.

What do separated fish get once a month?

Salimony

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "De...

I want to start a restaurant for separated elements

I'll call it "I-O-Dine". I think it'll help the divorced find a solution.

My mother and father separated last year

My mother and father separated last year and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner.

He's black.

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

A Siamese twin said to the other, “Wish we could be separated.”

The other twin replied, “That makes two of us.”

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

Blacks and whites should be separated

It’s not so hard to do the laundry correctly

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A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horney.

One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he ...

My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the whites should be separated.

I mean, that’s just basic laundry.

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

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The Nazis party can be separated into 3 things

Sodium Zinc and sulphur

Two twins were separated at birth

One of them lived in Cuba, and was named Juan. The other lived in Egypt, and was named Jamal.
10 years after their birth, their birth mother was sent a picture of one of the twins. "I wish I could see the other one," she said. The adoption mother then said,
" If you've seen juan, you've seen j...

What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?

"I think I'll call it a day."

The wife complained Hunting season keeps us separated to much.

So I agreed to take her along for the deer hunt.

Took her to a nice tree stand. Told her" you can shoot a buck or a doe. It doesn't matter

I'm going about 100 yds that way"

No more than got to my spot when I heard BANG BANG BANG. So I rushed to where I left my wife, only to find...

Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

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your wife told me you separated due to lack of communication.

“holy shit, we separated?!”

A set of identical twins are separated at birth

A mother in Italy was unable to keep her babies, she had two identical twin boys. Unfortunately she couldn’t find a family to take both children so two separate families each took one of the boys. One of the families was from Lebanon and named their son “Amal”. The other family was from Spain and...

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

Two identical twins separated at birth...

... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series...

A man and his son go for a walk through the woods and get separated.

After frantically searching for his son, the man finally finds him standing over a dead animal and poking it with a stick.

“Dad, what’s this?” The boy asks

“Carrion, my wayward son.”

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated

In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk

Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?

Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?

...

Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in?

Prism

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The world can be separated into two types of people. Those who listen to all genres of music except country...

...and fucking rednecks

Identical twins were put up for adoption and separated at birth...

...20 years later, their biological parents decided to find and meet them.

After many hours of research, they discovered that one child had been adopted by a middle-eastern family and had been named Amal Allamedan, while the other boy had been adopted by a family in Chile and had been named...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

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