Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"

Dad: "Keep mum."

What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?

Jeez-Its.

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What do you call a black man who flies a plane for a living?

A pilot, you fucking racist, jeez

This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.

Just because the stall door is open doesn’t mean I’m here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

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The other day I was going down on my girlfriend.

And I said jeez you got a big pussy. You got a big pussy.

She asked why did you say that twice...I said I didn’t, that was an echo.

Thanks predator 1.

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9 martinis

I walked into a bar ,a guy was sitting at a table ,with 9 martinis in front of him . I say ." Jeez man what are you celebrating.?"

He replies " my first blow job.".

Me::" congratulations ,bro ,let me buy you another ."

Him :: no thanks ,,if 9 don't get the taste out of my mouth...

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,...

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Sporting Chance

Mr Corporate Businessman thinks his wife may be having an affair, so one day he decides to go home early to confirm his suspicions.

Sure enough, he finds his wife in bed with a fit, young tradesman.

Shocked but without hesitation, he calmly heads to his wardrobe to reveal a fully loade...

Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?"

I don't know, I wasn't counting.

Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).

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A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

What do you called a cheddar flavored wafer in church?

A Jeez-It

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

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I watched my first porn movie today...

...jeeze I was young back then.

A man, frantic rushes up to the bar

Gimme twelve shots quick!! He says. The bartender starts pouring them out as the man starts slamming them. After the last shot the bartender says "damn! You sure drank those fast!! The man says "buddy, you'd drink fast too, if you had what I got!" "Jeeze, what do you have bud?" The bartender says....

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Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

A guy dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter...

... and St. Peter tells him, “Hang on a sec… getting into Heaven isn’t a big deal… I just need to find a good deed you've done in your life… and you’re in.”

And with that, St. Peter starts leafing through this guy’s Book of Life. It’s a thick book, but he’s not finding anything. He gets to th...

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s when kids feel entitled to something like...

“I want an ice cream!”

“I want a soda!”

And now he wants four more years, jeez where’s the limit.

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A man gets pulled over...

Cops walks over:

Cop: Sir, you know how fast you were going?

Man: I have no idea officer, just paying attention to the road, I guess.

Wife: Bullshit! You were going 90! I told you to slow down! Slow down! But noooooo!!

Man (quietly): shut the fuck up

Cop: I notic...

I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone

I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez

Dad and Dave were out plowing the fields one day when they took a break.

Dad says, "How come you left a patch over yonder there Dave?"
Dave replies, "Well dad, that there is sacred ground coz thats where I had my first one."
"Oh, your first one hey Dave?Ok. What about that other patch over yonder? Is that where you had your second one?"
"No", says Dave, "Thats w...

I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

Women tell me “Just be yourself, be more confident.”

I’m like... jeez pick one!

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

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An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replie...

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Beverly hills has arguably the best known zipcode with 90210

My favorite though is Dawson's creek 90108 (for our lives to be over)

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

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A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting? Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon Appeared to me in my sleep and says, "o good man let us urinate". Then, I woke up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIAT...

What do you call gangsters from Minnesota?

Oh, jeez.

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"Ashley, I fucked a redditor last night"

"Jeez, how did you know he was a redditor? He gave his username?"

"Nah"

"Then how the fuck do you know he was a redditor?"

"He said I was better than I coconut"

Spelling Mistakes

I accidentally made a spelling mistake on my work. I found this out when I get screamed at for it. It is a fairly small mistake, so I don't understand why she is so upset!

Jeez, I'm a tattoo artist, not an english teacher. Calm down, we all make mistakes.

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

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A man sits next to a nun on a bus.

A man gets onto a bus in a small farming town and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and s...

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A Joke My Grandfather Told Me

So, my Grandfather and I were driving along on our way into town, and we crossed a set of railroad tracks.

As we were crossing, my Grandfather said, "You know, there was a bad crash on these tracks back in the day, between a Mustang and an old Firebird."

I thought about it for a seco...

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Two roman centurions met up while on the road.

A roman centurion remarked to another: "Guess how women many I had sex with?"

Second roman centurion: "mmm"

First centurion: "Jeez not that many!"

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There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.

Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels

Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?

Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.

Biker: Wel...

Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"

The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."

Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."

"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"

Doc replies, "You've...

What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?

You slow down a little bit. Jeez...

2 bikers going for a ride...

They decided to stop for a leak off the side of a bridge. As they're doing their business, one biker says "jeez, the water's cold". The other one says "jeez, the bottoms rough...".

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A families car breaks down and they have to spend the night at a seedy hotel...

The husband leans over and whispers to the wife “Jeez, I hope the porns disabled.”

The clerk shouts from behind the counter “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck!”

A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...

He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"

The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"

The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"

On their way to get married a couple has a fatal car accident.

The couple are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter turn up to register them. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.


St. Peter says, "I don’t know, this is the first time anyone ever asked...

Bob and Jeff are at the funeral for their friend Larry

Bob: I can't believe this, were you as shocked as I was to hear the horrible news?

Jeff: Actually, I was with him when he died. We were playing golf and on the 10th hole he had a heart attack and dropped dead.

Bob: Jeez, I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you.

Jeff: It ...

A most interesting fellow

A man is walking down the street and runs into a rather strange looking fellow. He's wearing a dark hood obscuring much of his face, so he goes to investigate. He soon realizes that the hooded figure had no face at all.

"Excuse me, sir," the man asked the hooded figure, "do you mind taking o...

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Two married chicks...

...that have been long time friends, go out one night for a couple of drinks. After a few hours spent in a bar, and after they had 10 cocktails each, now dark outside, they decide to walk home.

One of them suddenly says: 

 \- Girl, I gotta take a piss RIGHT ABOUT NOW, no way I can make...

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What do chairs think about all day?

“Oh, jeez. Here comes another asshole”

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Smart Pills

One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit.

Paddy said: "What's That"..?? "'They're Smart Pills," says Mick "Eat them and they'll make you smarter"..

So Paddy ate them and said: "Jeez. They taste like Shit".. "See," says Mick, "You're gettin...

Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from?

I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink.Give me a fucking scotch and soda you sonavabitch.

Jeez why the bad language? asked the barkeep?
Oh sorry I just like to use fowl language.

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

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3 Newfie’s are talking about how dumb their wives are

Three Newfies are sitting around talking about how dumb their wives are.
First one:
“Boy, my wife she’s right dumb, she went and bought a brand new dishwasher.”
“Cost $2000”
“We ain’t even got indoor plumbing!”

“Awe jeez b’y, you think that’s dumb?”
“Oh me nerves, my wife’s so ...

My girlfriend is very strange...

When we go to bed, she starts placing slices of beetroot circling her muff.

Every time I ask her about it she goes off on one about how great salads are...

"Jeez", I thought, "why does she always have to beet around the bush".

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The other hey Billy joke! [NSFW - maybe]

Hey Billy, the other day I was going down on my girlfriend, at one point I said jeez you got a big pussy, jeez you got a big pussy.
she got up and asked me why I said it twice... Well I didn't.
- Edit: credit to the "the predator 1987"

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My Dad is mean :(

So, today's my dad birthday, and I got him some socks. He then looked at me like I was crazy and called me a cunt. Jeez, not my fault he doesn't have any legs.

nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

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A man gets rescued after spending his whole life on a desert island.

(this one is very long, be warned)

He was stranded on the island as a little boy, he knows how to speak but he knows nothing about the wonders of the modern world. Him and his family were thought to have perished in a freak yacht accident, nobody ever found the yacht. He somehow managed to su...

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would no...

Police officer approaches a drunk man urinating on the street late at night and said.

"Sir, you'll have to accompany me to the police station" the drunk guy responded with a grunt "Jeez! You became a police officer, and still afraid of walking in the dark? Okay I'll walk you home, but don't tell anyone"

Two doctors are enjoying a hike.

On a particularly technical section of the trail, one of them slips on a wet rock, putting a gash into his thigh as he lands heavily on a branch that was laying in the path. "Oh jeez," says the other doctor, "let me help you! I'll just grab my tools from my bag, and we'll get that leg fixed right up...

I was browsing Toys R Us and the aisles said "Girls 3-5", "Boys 5-7", etc.

Jeez, just let me buy something. I don't need the whole guilt trip about who made it.

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There's a bat competition...

All the bats are in a tree, there's also an elder bat judging it. The quest: all participants must take as much blood as possible in the farm. Then, the first bat go in. Everyone wait for him, and after 2 minutes he arrives, and pour 5ml of blood in a cup. And then, the judge asks:

- Nice jo...

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to H...

The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...

They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the wat...

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Susan and Jack both work at a small company that sells widgets.

Monday morning, their supervisor Bill, finds out there have been budget cuts and he has to let one of them go by Friday.

Bill thinks, “Jeez, this really sucks. Susan and Jack are both excellent employees, they were both hired at the same time so neither has seniority, they’re never late, nev...

Italian, Ukrainian and Newfie on a Lunch Break..

An Italian, a Ukrainian and a Newfie high-rise construction worker were all up on a huge building about to have lunch. They all took a seat and opened up their lunch boxes;

"Mama mia!" Said the Italian "Mya wife! She always give-a me meat-a-balls! If I get meat-a-balls in my lunch tomorrow, I...

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A man walks into a clinic...

A man walks into a clinic and says to the doctor:

– Doc, you see, I have this problem of excess of gases all they long. One million farts a day. They don't have any smell and they are totally silent but it is very inconvenient having to fart all they long.

The doctor says: – OK, take t...

That poor skunk.

A man and his wife were driving through a blizzard and they pass a skunk freezing on the side of the road. The wife says "That poor skunk it's going to freeze to death we should save it."
"Jeez I'll never hear the end of this if we don't" the husband thinks to himself.
So they turn around a...

A guy walks into his office with both his ears bandaged up

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”

He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your ot...

Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr.Sori

Sam Wan: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr. Sori: Yes, you could speak to me.

Sam Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr. Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Sam Wan: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Sori: I know you ar...

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Timmy's 10th birthday.

It was Timmy's 10th birthday. As it happens, his parents never really cared a lot about Timmy and Timmy, knowing this, wasn't expecting much of his special day. He got up in the morning, much against his will, to find his parents in their daily routine. "Hi kiddo" was as much as his dad ever bothere...

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Three brothers tradition

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I'm just wondering why you order three beers at a ti...

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At the logging camp...

A Newfie goes to northern Ontario to work in a logging camp. His first day, the foreman gives him a chainsaw and sends out to cut trees. He comes back at the end of the shift and the foreman asks him how it went.

“Jeeze, dat was hard work, but I did cut down two trees.”

The foreman say...

A sheep and a hole [PG]

Two campers are out walking around, and come across a huge hole in the ground. The first camper goes up to the hole and says "wow, I wonder how deep this is?" The second camper picks up a rock, chucks it in the hole, puts his ear down and waits to hear it hit the bottom. Nothing. The first campe...

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Tractor Therapy

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed ...

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Two men celebrating Oktoberfest walk into a bar....

They walk up to the bartender and both order a pint and a bratwurst. One of the men's phone rings and he answers. It's his wife on the line.

"Honey, I need to tell you, I cheated on you."

"What?!?!" the man yells, "With who??????"

There's indistinct mumbling from the other line,...

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A young morticians apprentice crashes through the door of his mentors office and says excitedly: "Hey Monty! You gotta check out this lady that just came in."

Monty slowly gets up from his chair.
"You know Mike, there isn't much I haven't seen. A lot of bodies have come through these doors."
"Yeah, but have you ever seen a chick with a shrimp in her pussy?"
Monty is intrigued. He follows Mike out to the stainless steel table and looks at th...

An old man gets two doses of bad news from his doctor...But which is worse?

"Well Dale, your results are in... I have some bad news and some really bad news."

"Just hit me with the worst first Doc. What's the really bad news? Get it out of the way."

The doctor takes a deep breath and prepares to tell Dale the news.

"Ok... Dale you do have lung cancer. T...

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A guy walls into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka.

"Rough day?" the bartender asks, setting the shots down.

"Yep," the guy answers. "Just found out that my brother is gay."

A week later, the same guy walks into the bar with the same bartender, and asks 10 shots of vodka again.

Remembering the guy from last week, the bartender as...

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