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Yelled Jokes

I yelled "Cow!"

I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike. She gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked...

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"


Sounding concerned I replied "No..."


She responded "How about now?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During sex, my girlfriend yelled Hurt me! Hurt me!

So I said, “it’s a real shame Fluffy got run over by that car”

I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me.

It's not my fault they don't have Windows.

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off…

But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

I yelled to my neighbor keep it down

He yelled back, I'm not making any noise.

I mean keep your blinds down.. or at least put some pants on.

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My asshole of a boss just yelled at me in front of everyone for eating chips at work.

“John, you’re a fucking croupier!”

I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it to go to hell.

20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

I was at the bar and this waitress yelled "Anyone know CPR?"

I yelled back "hell, I know the whole alphabet"
Everyone laughed, well, except this one guy.

From one side of the bakery to the other, a breadstick yelled out to a pretzel

“Hey Jane, when did you take up yoga?”

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :

“I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!” A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man respon...

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How the fuck can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."

"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

My wife yelled at me for peeing in the shower last night.

Probably should’ve waited till she got out first.

A man at the bar picked his phone and yelled

"listen lady, I am heading home now so when I arrive I better find you warming the water for me"

everybody were staring at him, he turned to them and said

"What? do you want me to wash the dishes with cold water ?"

I got a new job at retail and spend eight hours a day being yelled at and criticized for things that aren't my fault.

I never thought my humiliation fetish would be good for my career.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

My girlfriend yelled at me

"I can't stand it anymore! I'm sick of your stupid and cheesy jokes! I'm leaving!"

"Gouda," I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

“I will never vaccinate our children” yelled my husband.

“Why can’t we just pay a doctor to do that like a normally family” he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

My daughter just yelled at me, "Dad you haven't listened to a word I said!"

I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation.

I just yelled"F,YOU GUYS!" at my students

God, I love being a music teacher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot Irish Blonde at Casino

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the D...

A boy’s momma walks in on him playin’ with himself. She yelled, “Stop it! Don’t you know you’ll go blind doin’ that?”

He said, “Yeah, but Momma, can’t I just do it till I need glasses?”

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!

Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.

With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"

"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

Just yelled at my wedding cake

It burst into tiers

"You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled.

"I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."

An armed robber rushes into an estate agents and yelled....

"NOBODY MOVE"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

My boss yelled at me the other day,

‘You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?

I said: ‘I can’t say - it’s too hard to keep track’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was on a golf course near Doonbeg Ireland and was about to dip his hand in a lake to take a drink of water when the groundskeeper yelled ...

“Oy! - Dinna peut ya haand en a loch! It’s feeeled wi coo piss n coo shite!”

“Hey” - said the man. "I just bought this golf course and we’re going to have the best groundskeepers. The best. I've been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly. What you just said...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend yelled at me being secretive and emotionally unavailable

I then politely excused myself from the conversation and went to the basement to go work on my project.

I don't know what she was talking about.

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

"I'm three!" yelled my son as he held up three fingers.

"Son, I need you to tell me where you found those fingers."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

The bartender yelled at me when I left my stool at the bar.

"Why did you even bring this in here?!?" he cried.

One time I was in a church and yelled "creeper!!"

Everybody said amen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”


“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”


“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

I saw a skeleton being yelled at by his girlfriend. I was surprised to see that he was calm.

When I asked him how he could stay so calm, he said, “Nothing can get under my skin.”

(Little Halloween joke for y’all!)

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...

His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

Airport Security yelled at me today

Said I was in plane sight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I was so frustrated I yelled out, “Fuck my life.”

It had really been a rough week of work and everything else. Anyways fast forward to today and I come back home from work to catch my neighbor sleeping with *my* wife in *my* bedroom, and had the audacity to smile at me and wink and give me a thumbs up.

When the neighbor noticed that I was a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A guy on reddit yelled at me today because I reposted something.

I thought: Geez, like I've never heard *that* before.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

My wife walked into the room and I snuck up behind her and yelled; BOO! She cried hysterically and ran outside.

I always do this to her but I guess it was funnier when I was alive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man yelled on the GreatWall of China, "Xi the pooh has a tiny penis"

He was caught by the police in a minute.

He was then notified that all of his family members are held up by the police. In the same evening, he was brought to the court.

The judge: You committed a very serious crime, you need not talk, you are now sentenced to death, so are you...

After years of getting yelled at and doing his work, i finally stood up to my bully...

He fired me.

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First time i had sex, when the girl pulled my pants down she yelled "WOW THAT'S LIKE A HORSE"

Very proud i said: "It's that big huh?"

She replied: "NO IT FUCKING STINKS"

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