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Wouldn't Jokes

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tiger wouldn't do that

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession

to make - I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yea... I...

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

It would be IX/XI.

My girlfriend's red flags wouldn't have bothered me so much

....if they didn't have swastikas on them.

The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."

Husband: "But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."

In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.

We'd have to say CMXI instead.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

My wife wouldn't like ...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest...

My girlfriend's dad is so religious that he wouldn't let us sleep together.

It's a real shame, he is pretty attractive.

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*edit: thank you for the gold benevolent stranger. :-)*

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources"

-The Credible Hulk

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day ...

I wouldn't have guessed Bob Barker was 99 years old when he died.

I would have guessed he was 1 years old and hope all the other guesses were over.

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

Who wouldn't want to be a millionaire ?

A billionaire.

Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

Stalin should have known that communism wouldn't work.

There were red flags everywhere.

Outside my house last night, zombies wouldn't stop moaning "brains! brains! brains!"

So I went out there and gave them a piece of my mind.

I wouldn't say I'm a big drinker, I usually just have a glass of whiskey before bed

Last night I went to bed 8 times

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

Why wouldn't a nun walk around in a bikini?

Because it's a bad habit

I went to the temporary tattoo parlor yesterday and got a tattoo of my favorite cartoon character, Roger the Alien, but when I tried to wash it off later that night, it wouldn't come off!!

So I went back to the parlor to complain, and it was gone.

We wouldn't have to ban plastic straws if only...

... those turtles would lay off the coke!

My friend wouldn't stop ranting about his idea for a countertop factory...

Honestly, I thought it was all counter-productive.

I wouldn't be the man I am today, if it wasn't for my father.

He refused to pay for my abortion.

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"

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All I said was that I wouldn't like Santa very much if he was gay.

Now everyone thinks I'm hohohomophobic.

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

I have a bull that wouldn't breed with the other cows.

So I called the veterinarian and he gave me some pills for the bull. About 2 hours after giving the pills to the bull, he started breeding with all the cows, he even broke the fence and bred with the neighbors cows. I don't know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

The firemen wouldn't come save my cat from a tree because it isn't an emergency

So I set the tree on fire.

If you robbed a bank. You wouldn't have to worry about rent, food, or any bills for about 20 years.

If you get busted for it ,or not.

My doctor told me to stop singing Frank Sinatra songs as it's bad for my health. But I just wouldn't listen.

And now the end is near.

My dog wouldn't stop chasing people on bikes.

In the end, I had to take his bike away.

The Dirty Harry line wouldn't have worked in the flintlock era

"Did he fire one shot or only zero?"

You wouldn't like my construction joke,

I'm still working on it

I wouldn't recommend going to the tattooist who used to be an accountant.

He did a number on me.

I wouldn't say my house has the best ceiling in the world.

But it's definitely up there!

Wouldn't you all agree that you just sleep better naked?

I don't understand why the flight attendant was yelling at me...

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district

The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside
to ask him a couple of questions.

He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be ...

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

People in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in the Flintstones,

but I know people in Abu Dhabi do.

Why wouldn't the pimp water his lawn?

He couldn't trust his hose.

Mom wouldn't let me see the orchestra movie

She said there was too much sax and violins

I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting

I wonder what she's up to, now...

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

You wouldn't download a car...

...then why the hell do you download drivers?

My mother-in-law wouldn't stop suggesting

I buy her something 'for the bathroom' for her Christmas gift.

When she unwrapped the toaster I got her, she wasnt pleased.

I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.

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I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

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As a young boy, I was serious when I said I wouldn't suck a dick for a million dollars...

As a straight, millennial man seeking a house, I'd do it for 90% less.

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

When I was young, I was so overweight that my mom wouldn't let me take swimming lessons.

It wasn't because of my weight, it was because it was never more than a half an hour since I had eaten.

My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, he wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my gun.

I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was: "Too drunk."

"Stop drinking on the job, then," I slurred.

A lion wouldn't cheat on its mate

But a Tiger Wood

My wife called because the car wouldn't start.

She said it has water in the carburetor. Knowing my wife has no knowledge of anything mechanical I said, "and how do you know there's water in the the carburetor?"
She said, "because I drove off the pier and it's in the ocean. "

You wouldn't steal a gate.

So why would you take offense?

I could explain to you quantum physics and you wouldn't understand a thing.

Not because it's hard but because I'm bad at explaining.

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My dad was so conservative that when I was a kid he wouldn't allow Skittles in the house because they let you taste the rainbow.

And rainbows taste like dick.

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar?

It was jammed.

[nsfw]The hospitals new director is an idiot. He commissioned a huge chandelier for the main lobby that humanizes those living with erectile disfunction. The entire board told him not to do it and that they wouldn't be attending the unveiling.

It's unfortunate because it was well hung, difficult to get up, and nobody came.

Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking?

He kept beating a dead horse.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

Beethoven was told he wouldn't he able to make music. But did he listen?

No

A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me!

Even after I asked him to leave me a loan.

Knowing what I know, I wouldn't give anyone a Covid-19 vaccination shot

I'm not a doctor, or any kind of medical professional, I would leave it up to them to do it. Would be weird for me to go around doing it.

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

My first-grade teacher told me sarcasm wouldn't get me anywhere

Guess she was right.

My wife wouldn't stop making fun of me for my sense of direction.

So I packed up and Right.

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I turned to beastiality because my wife wouldn't stop talking, talking, talking.

But now its just yak, yak, yak.

I ate a ghost once. I wouldn't recommended it.

Tasted like sheet.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

I wouldn't be able to throw the One Ring into Mount Doom but..

Elijah Wood.

Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles.

They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids.

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My wife wouldn't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay

So in revenge I super-glued them together. I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

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Why wouldn't you want a liar to explode?

Because he's full of shit

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I really wouldn't call myself a grammar nazi

I would perfer to be called alt-write

9/11 wouldn't have happened if it took place in the UK

It would be 11/9.

I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

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Why wouldn't the vegetarian moan during sex?

She didn't want to admit that a piece of meat made her happy.

Why wouldn't the four month old African stop crying?

He was going through a midlife crisis

I wouldn't be too worried about Stan Lee dying...

Marvel will just resurrect him in a few issues

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

Why wouldn't the listerine go down the drain?

Because it's antiseptic

I suggested an awesome product name and slogan for marketers of a data file decompression utility, but they wouldn't take me up on it.

The company's stupid focus groups thought it was inappropriate.

I mean, come on, what's wrong with:

"SIGH unzips"?

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying...

I asked a couple of Marlins for a favor, but they wouldn't help.

They were two sailfish.

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

I wouldn't say I'm a narcissist

I have people to do that for me

I let my boss know I wouldn't be in because I had a case of Corona.

Technically I wasn't lying because I did drink like 10 of the 12.

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An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

Why wouldn't the string go into the eye of the needle?

It was afreyed.

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

Why wouldn't the crab share his things?

Because he was *SHELLFISH*

My wife said, "You wouldn't think twice about cheating on me if Scarlett Johansson asked you."

"Actually I have," I replied, "and both times I ended up in a long shower."

"The Russians wouldn't lie about radiation levels, would they?"

"Sure, no bull."

My car wouldn't start so I tried to jump it.

Now I've got a dead battery *and* a broken rib.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What should I do to make Russia great again?"

"Execute half the population and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

Why wouldn't JFK be a good boxer?

He can't take a shot to the head....


Too soon?

I left my house and noticed the door wouldn't close because it kept hitting a container of strawberry jam

Guess you could say the door was held ajar

The little fighter plane thought he wouldn't be able to fly high enough

Not with that altitude you won't

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

Wouldn't it be amazing if Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up?

Yeah, they would be alloys!

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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