My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is.

So I told him to just grow a pear.

What do menstruation and guys whining about being rejected have in common?

I don’t care about either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

My daughter was whining about her chores.

She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is heading to bed when he suddenly hears his kid whining for a bedtime story.

The kid's 14, clearly supposed to have grown out of it, but yet he hasn't. The kid's screaming, demanding, whining, and it's absolute hell. Finally, the dad's had enough.

He rushes to his son's room and sits down on the bed. He starts the story, "Son, I'm going to tell you a story with a mora...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits her mother and tell her she's divorcing her husband.

The mother replies:

But why? Your husband is super kind, good looking and is a millionaire. You're living in a castle, you're driving a rolls royce, you even have butlers!

Yes mother, but he is obsessed with anal sex. Everyday ha wants to put it in my ass.

Before i met him my as...

What's the difference between a jet engine and my wife?

The jet engine stops whining when it gets to Miami.

I was in the car with my girlfriend, and I started hearing this annoying whining noise...

So my girlfriend got out to look at the engine and I drove off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from the city decides to go hunting

He spends a bunch of money getting all the right equipment and gear and camouflage outfit, etc. then heads out to hunt some geese. He finds his local hunting grounds and heads out with his rifle. He spends all day not seeing a single animal, and just before he decides to give up, he sees a flock o...

So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

The Pope gets off a plane at JFK international airport...

He tells the limo to get in the back
“Why?” The limo driver replies.
“Because I’m the f#&$’n Pope” Said the Pope.
Next thing you know the limo’s going down the Brooklyn Bridge doin like 30 over the limit.
Cop pulls him over.
Pope rolls down the window
“Water you whining about” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him

The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger

So the man asks the lady,"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased

So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the ...

If you have your wife banging at one door, and your dog barking at the other, which do you let in first and why?

The dog, because after you let him in, he stops whining.

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a truck.

After putting up with nagging injuries for a couple of weeks, he decided to take the driver to court. During the trial, the driver's lawyer questioned Farmer Joe sharply, "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe replied, "Well I'll tell you what happened at the ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

An old man goes on a rant

“Don’t worry honey, I’m fine. I’m just faking it, I don’t have dementia. You see, I’m just tired. Tired of the kids whining and asking for money. Tired of my doctor always telling me I need to eat healthier and exercise. Tired of all these telemarketers. Tired of our neighbors always treating me lik...

I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day...

He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel.

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.

Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.

Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car tha...

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy walks into a bar...

On the counter, he sees a jar full of money.

He asks the bartender, “How can I get that money?”

She answers, “It’s simple. First, you have to drink an entire bottle of whiskey all at once. Then, there is a rabid pit bull out back and you have to take out it’s achy tooth. Finally, ther...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of hundred dollar bills...

Guy asks the bartender, "What's the jar of hundred dollar bills for?"

Bartender says "Can't tell you until you've put in the cash."

Guy has a few beers, starts feeling ballsy, so he puts in the money.

Bartender tells him "So you can win this jar of bills, easily 10 grand, but yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny got a train set for christmas

Johnny got a train set for Christmas, his mom was in the kitchen and his dad was at work as Johnny played with his trains. He makes the train go around and around the track and stops at the train station and says

"All the assholes that want to get on, get on. All the assholes that want to ge...

Inside a supermarket, a woman spots........

a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-yearold grandson. “Easy, Billy,” says grandfather calmly. “We won’t be long.”
In the cookie aisle, the woman hears the kid whining some more, “I want cookies! Gimme cookies!”
It’s OK Billy, just a couple more minutes, and we’ll be out of h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dead duck.

A not-so-bright farmer brings his dead duck to a vet, asking for treatment. The vet takes one look and says, "I'm sorry, but that duck is dead." The farmer asks if they can do some tests to make sure. The vet agrees and whistles, summoning a black lab. the dog puts its front paws on the table and sn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old men

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,

"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"

His buddy one chimes in:

"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"

The third old man patiently listening finally sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitc...

Jail Time

My daughter hates school.
One weekend she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.
Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying, and whining built to a crescendo.
At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you d...

A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter

*"You sure get a lot of tips"* he says.
"That's not a tip jar" says the bartender "you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play?
*"Sure, why not?"*
"Alright, here we go....

A woman went to a shoe shop...

And took her son with her.

She chose a high heel, but her son cried telling her to choose a regular one.

The shopkeeper told him: "Stop whining, your mom is going to wear it, not you."

But the child said: "That's true, but my mom is beating ME with it, not you."

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.

Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

...And sees a jar full of $10 bills on the counter. "What's that for?" he asks the bartender. The guy behind the counter replies: "We have a contest going on, to take part you gotta drop $10 in the jar. You then drink a shot of tequila, and go outside in the back. There's a huge Rottweiler with a ro...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.