Whining Jokes - 35 Hilarious Whining Jokes

My daughter was whining about her chores.

She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."

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My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.

Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

My mate was whining about how hard it is to cultivate apples

So I told him to grow a pear.

My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is.

So I told him to just grow a pear.

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1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

I was in the car with my girlfriend, and I started hearing this annoying whining noise...

So my girlfriend got out to look at the engine and I drove off.

How can you tell when a jet landing in Australia is from England?

When the engines are turned off the whining continues.

a farmer was driving a cart full of vegetables to market when he had a head on collision with a semi

the farmer suffered severe injuries and was in the hospital for several months and was told he would be in pain for the rest of his life. He sued the driver of the semi and they went to court . in court the drivers lawyer asks the farmer

drivers lawyer " when the police arrived did they ask ...

What is the difference between a critic and a puppy?

With time, training and patience, it is possible to make a puppy stop whining.

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A man is heading to bed when he suddenly hears his kid whining for a bedtime story.

The kid's 14, clearly supposed to have grown out of it, but yet he hasn't. The kid's screaming, demanding, whining, and it's absolute hell. Finally, the dad's had enough.

He rushes to his son's room and sits down on the bed. He starts the story, "Son, I'm going to tell you a story with a mora...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

What's the difference between a jet engine and my wife?

The jet engine stops whining when it gets to Miami.

If you have your wife banging at one door, and your dog barking at the other, which do you let in first and why?

The dog, because after you let him in, he stops whining.

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.

Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.

Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car tha...

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

A young mother was trying to breastfeed her 2 years old crying baby on a bus on her way home.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"...

So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

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Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog

Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.

Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.

Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all o...

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A woman visits her mother and tell her she's divorcing her husband.

The mother replies:

But why? Your husband is super kind, good looking and is a millionaire. You're living in a castle, you're driving a rolls royce, you even have butlers!

Yes mother, but he is obsessed with anal sex. Everyday ha wants to put it in my ass.

Before i met him my as...

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A Newly wed young man gets enrolled in the army

Upon arrival at the border, he goes silent and depressed as he hasn't even gone through his honeymoon phase. He doesn't participate in any group conversations nor he has any friends there. Things get too gloomy for him.
Upon noticing this, his fellow soldiers in attempt to cheer him up ask him t...

I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day...

He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel.

A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him

The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger

So the man asks the lady,"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased

So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence

What are people who work on vineyards very good at?

Whining

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

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A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the ...

A woman went to a shoe shop...

And took her son with her.

She chose a high heel, but her son cried telling her to choose a regular one.

The shopkeeper told him: "Stop whining, your mom is going to wear it, not you."

But the child said: "That's true, but my mom is beating ME with it, not you."

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Three old men

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,

"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"

His buddy one chimes in:

"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"

The third old man patiently listening finally sa...

The Pope gets off a plane at JFK international airport...

He tells the limo to get in the back
“Why?” The limo driver replies.
“Because I’m the f#&$’n Pope” Said the Pope.
Next thing you know the limo’s going down the Brooklyn Bridge doin like 30 over the limit.
Cop pulls him over.
Pope rolls down the window
“Water you whining about” ...

Inside a supermarket, a woman spots........

a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-yearold grandson. “Easy, Billy,” says grandfather calmly. “We won’t be long.”
In the cookie aisle, the woman hears the kid whining some more, “I want cookies! Gimme cookies!”
It’s OK Billy, just a couple more minutes, and we’ll be out of h...

An old man goes on a rant

“Don’t worry honey, I’m fine. I’m just faking it, I don’t have dementia. You see, I’m just tired. Tired of the kids whining and asking for money. Tired of my doctor always telling me I need to eat healthier and exercise. Tired of all these telemarketers. Tired of our neighbors always treating me lik...

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Johnny got a train set for christmas

Johnny got a train set for Christmas, his mom was in the kitchen and his dad was at work as Johnny played with his trains. He makes the train go around and around the track and stops at the train station and says

"All the assholes that want to get on, get on. All the assholes that want to ge...

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So a guy walks into a bar...

On the counter, he sees a jar full of money.

He asks the bartender, “How can I get that money?”

She answers, “It’s simple. First, you have to drink an entire bottle of whiskey all at once. Then, there is a rabid pit bull out back and you have to take out it’s achy tooth. Finally, ther...

Jail Time

My daughter hates school.
One weekend she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.
Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying, and whining built to a crescendo.
At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you d...

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The dead duck.

A not-so-bright farmer brings his dead duck to a vet, asking for treatment. The vet takes one look and says, "I'm sorry, but that duck is dead." The farmer asks if they can do some tests to make sure. The vet agrees and whistles, summoning a black lab. the dog puts its front paws on the table and sn...

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