An atheist and a Christian go golfing.

On his very first shot, The atheist shanks the ball and angrily shouts, “God Damnit, I missed!”

Then the Christian warns the Atheist, “you should be careful with your words.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

So they continue playing, many times though out the day, The atheist would miss a shot and...

A young man goes into a confessional booth and confesses to the priest that he used the Lord's name in vain.

"Tell me what happened my child, so we may begin the path of forgiveness." Said the priest behind the curtain.

"I was golfing," began the man. "And my first shot went deep into the rough."

"Ah, and that is where you misused the Lord's name is it?" Replied the priest.

"No father,...

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

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A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

Spanish speaking rappers are so vain.

They always talk about themselves: yo yo yo.

You're so vain

I bet you think this joke is about you

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

My Brain Amazes Me!!!

Not a joke!!! Just a bad incident that might make a few people chuckle who been through similar goof-ups!!!



Here it goes,



I have been living with my brain for 28 years now and I still don't know how it works!!!



I tried to train it but all in vain; its fun...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

What do you call a vain person from Norway?

A norse-cissist

a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. "ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?" said the girl. "no, we cant" the guy replied. "why?"

"it's Haram, Bae"

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A priest is playing darts...

A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: "Jesus Fucking Christ I'm pissed, my shot just missed!". A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lords name in vain. "If you use that language again, I shall ask the lord to punish you" he says. But the priest doesn't mind him and...

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

Did you hear about the nurse who kept needling her dead patient?

She was drawing blood in vain.

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A man goes into the confessional at church one afternoon...

“Father, I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain, today.”

“My son, that’s a very egregious sin. Perhaps you could tell me the circumstances that led up to this.”

“Well, Father, I was golfing this morning- on the 16th green, two under par, when I chipped off into the rough.”
...

Looking Good

Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks.

At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."


"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."

Sad News At The Nestle Factory

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered

Miniskirt

In the queue at the bus stop is a young pretty lady.
She is dressed in a very tight leather miniskirt and matching leather boots and leather jacket.
The bus comes and it is her turn. When she tries to get on the bus she notices that because of the tight miniskirt she can't get her leg high eno...

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Trump is playing golf with a nun

Trump waddles up to the tee, puts down his ball, addresses the ball, swings mightily and misses.
"God dammit I missed" he shouts.
The nun looks stern, but says nothing.
Trump again lines up with the ball, swings, misses.
"GOD DAMMIT I MISSED" he shouts again.
Again the nun looks u...

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There was a guy with a miro penis(nsfw)

There was a guy with a penis so small, he was so dejected whenever he saw it. He went to a lot of doctors in order to get a larger penis,but in vain. After enquiring a lot, he came to know that there was a sage who lived upon a mountain who helped in increasing penis sizes.


He agreed to g...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

A Trump supporter dies and goes to the pearly gates…

There he sees St Peter and gets excited and walks towards the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "I want you to know, on the whole you were a good person, that's why you're going in. But we almost had to send you to hell because you voted for Trump."

"What do you mean? Trump is the best pre...

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A father and his son are jogging when they encounter a tourist.

Son, being well versed in over 3 languages wanted to show his dad that learning new languages always helps you.
The tourist did not know english, but tried to explain the dad to show him the in spanish. The father couldn't understand. So the tourist tried french, but still no answer. Then ge tri...

What do you call a narcissistic vampire?

Transyl*VAIN.*

A Priest, a Nun, and a Rabbi Are Playing Golf

The priest goes up to putt his ball. He putts and misses the hole.
“Goddammit, I missed!” the priest says.
The nun is taken aback. “Father, please watch your language.”
“I’m sorry, sister”, the priest replies.
The next hole comes and the priest putts again, and once again misses.
“Go...

Sad Old Man

There once was an old man. During his life, he had started his own tech company, married a beautiful woman and had two children who moved on to be successful mechanical engineers. He also vehemently argued against Christianity, Buddhism and Islam and proclaimed that the only reasonable religious vie...

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...

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Guy goes to confession...

says, "forgive me father. I used profanity and said the lord's name in vain."

priest says, "please, tell me exactly what happened, my son."

"well father, i was playing golf and i was on a long par 4 and i sliced my tee shot into the trees."

"is that when you used profanities, my...

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

A Priest and a Nun Decide to Go Golfing

They get to the first hole and tee up, the nun hits her first shot and the ball goes right in the hole. The priest steps up to shoot and hits the ball straight into a sand trap.

"God damn it, I missed!"

The nun shouts back to the priest

"Father! You shouldn't take the Lord's na...

Someone told me I look like a Greek god:

Incredibly vain, melodramatic fool who’s parents are probably siblings.

Smiting

A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "Goddammit, I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand....

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

A man goes to confession after a round of golf...

Man: Father, I took the Lord's name in vain while out golfing today.
Priest: That's ok, my son, golf is a frustrating sport, and we all slip up from time to time.
Man: No, no, I would really feel better if I could atone for my sin.
Priest: Well then by all means, tell my what happened.
M...

A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.

His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.


They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.


The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard an...

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The woman with the tattooed chest

There was a woman with a very vain boyfriend, so for his birthday, she decided to have a portrait of his face tattooed on her left breast.

The guy is very happy, but a few months later they break it of.

The next guy is a very jealous type, and to stop his complains about her ex face on...

An atheist and a pastor are playing around of golf

The atheist is new to the game of golf and therefore is inexperienced unlike the pastor.

On the first hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor being a pastor tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

On the second hole the atheist misses and again ...

the importance of aim

so there were these twins who had grown up with a relatively religious christian upbringing. good kids, loved playing golf for fun. now, these twins tried acid in college and had super opposite reactions - one became atheistic and the other joined the clergy. however, as time passed they both still ...

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

The Bottle of Wine

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car...

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The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.

There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicat...

A man and a priest are playing golf...

... the man is putting and misses his shot. "God damnit, I missed," the man says.
The priest tells him to not take the Lord's name in vain, or God would strike him down.
The man swings and misses again.
"God damnit, I missed."
The priest, again, reminds him that God would strike him down...

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

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Death is inevitable

The Pacific and Atlantic Oceans start a conversation.

Atlantic: What's up Pacific?

Pacific: I'm not doing too well.

Atlantic: What's the problem.

Pacific: What's the problem? Well I'll tell you what the problem is. Everything is more complicated than you think. You only s...

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The blonde and brunette bank robbers

A blonde and brunette are parked outside a bank with ski masks on.

"Remember the plan. You ready?" the brunette asks.

"Ready as I'll ever be," the blonde eagerly replies.

The blonde rushes into the bank while the brunette keeps the car running. 5 minutes pass, then 10, then 20...

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My wife's favorite joke

It took me months to gather courage to post this here, but, it's finally time. It's a terrible joke, so please be gentle.

A drunk man climbs a street light, and starts yelling that he will commit suicide.

A woman who was passing by, sees the scene, and start trying to convince the man ...

Once upon a time

There was a very happy, married couple who ran a small farm.

They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.

The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. “One day, you’ll spill your g...

I like my celebrities the way I like my attempts to clean my room...

...vain.

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What do you say to someone who talks too much ?

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosa. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescen...

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A nun goes golfing...

*[I was playing a round of golf the other day with a fellow who asked me if I knew any golf jokes. When I replied that I did not, he said you should always have a golf joke or two in your repertoire. I asked him for a joke then, and he told me this one. I now have one in my repertoire, and so wil...

Jason and Charlie go golfing

After a few holes Jason misses what should have been an easy putt. "God dammit, I missed!" said Jason. Charlie replies, "Woah there, you really shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain or God himself may strike down upon you". Jason assures Charlie it won't happen again and they continue to play. A few...

A plane full of engineers

A group of aerospace engineering professors are on a plane heading to a convention. Prior to take-off, the pilot comes over the intercom and announces "Distinguished professors, you should be proud to know that this particular plane was designed and crafted by many of your students."

Most of ...

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My dad went to play golf...

On a sunny Saturday afternoon and was randomly paired up with a priest. On the first hole, dad missed a three foot putt for par and said to himself "G*d damn it, I missed!"

The priest said to him "My son, please do not take the lord's name in vain."

On the second hole, my dad missed a...

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An American tourist had visited all the usual sights

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbour and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought, it was hot and the wind was blowing dust ever...

My kids wanted to know some spanish

They ask me "how do you say "Oh my God" in Spanish, Dad?"

I say, "Aye Dios mio, but we should not take the Lord's name in vain. Say "Oh my gosh"".

They say, "how do you say THAT in Spanish?"

I said, as I realized the Dad joke I had stumbled on, "Aye Diosh mio..."

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Three men are waiting to see the doctor...

...and as they wait, they begin to reveal to each other why they are seeking medical attention.

The first man reveals:

‘Gentlemen, when I go to the toilet, I can’t do number 1. I’ve sat, I’ve stood, I’ve whistled, I’ve hummed, and all in vain. My balls (since pee is stored therein) ar...

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A man goes to confession at his local church...

He sits in the confessional box and begins to confess his sins.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This week, I took the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Tell me what happened, my son” replied the priest

“Well, Father. I was out golfing on Wednesday afternoon and I’d been playing a gre...

The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...

But it turns out it was all in vain

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

The Dead Painter

A detective was called to investigate the death of a house painter. The case seemed pretty open-and-shut... it appeared the painter had broken his neck after falling from his ladder. But, just to be thorough, the detective asked around to see if there were any witnesses to the tragedy.

A yo...

An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old pries...

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A man goes to see his priest...

A man goes to see his priest to confess his bad behavior.

Man: “I’m sorry father but I took the lords name in vain.”

Priest: “My son, you still seem upset at the matter. Why don’t you explain what happened and get it off your chest. You will feel much better afterwards.”

Man: “...

Jimmy has a go-cart

Father Martin was walking down the sidewalk one morning and saw little Jimmy approaching on his go cart. As he rolled closer, one of the wheels popped off and the cart came to a screeching halt.
"God damn!" hollered Jimmy.
Father Martin ran over and knelt beside the cart. "Jimmy, Jimmy....

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A lawyer is sitting on a plane...

...and he notices that there's a blonde woman sitting next to him, looking like she's about to fall asleep. He thinks quickly, *how do I make some money off of this dumb blonde?*

He suddenly has a great idea, and leans over, tapping her on the shoulder. She blinks at him. "Hm? What is it?"...

A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland

when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.

"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it...

A man was walking home

A man was walking home one night when suddenly his foot gets stuck in a train track. He tries to wriggle it off but he can’t quite manage it. After several minutes trying to get his foot loose, he hears a train coming. In panic, he tries desperately to get off the track but all his efforts are in va...

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Behold the bacon tree...

Three young solders are huddled behind a rock prepping to go and face the onslaught of fire ringing around them, when suddenly the world plunges into silence that not even the birds disturb. It's almost peaceful for a moment, if it weren't for the threat just beyond thier protective boulder.
The ...

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A trainee priest is learning how to take confession

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession. The senior priest tells him "I'll be outside here if you need guidance on what punishments to give"

A little old lady comes in and says "Forgive me father, i took the lords name in vain" The junior priest sticks his head out of the confessi...

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A long-assed golf joke- but a decent, long-assed golf joke...

A man goes to see his priest:

“Father”, the man begins, “I took the Lord’s name in vain today while I was golfing.”

“I see. This is certainly an egregious sin in the eyes of our Lord, but perhaps you could tell me the circumstances around which this happened. As a golfer myself, I un...

The Dream

A guy wakes up in the morning and tells his wife: “Wow darling, you won’t believe what happened. I dreamt I was forced to eat a live sheep and now I can’t see my pillow anywhere!”
-
The wife answers, “The pillow’s fine, it’s lying right there on the floor, but I have been calling our dog in va...

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Confession time...

A man steps into a confessional.

Priest- "What is your sin, my son?"

Man- "Father, I'm afraid I took The Lord's name in vain today."

"I see. This is a grave sin, as you know, but perhaps there were circumstances leading to this I need to better understand."

"Well, Fath...

A man is playing golf.

The first hit he lands on the ball sends it flying into the nearby bushes. He swears and goes to retrieve the ball. After another hit, the ball ends up in the sand pit. "God damn it," says the man grudgingly.

The local pastor, who was taking a stroll nearby, said to him: "Son, you shan't men...

A man goes to the doctor

A man, having troble getting his wife pregnant, goes to the doctor. The doctor, after hearing him, gives him a flask to deposit a small amount of sperm for testing, so that he could find out what was wrong. Two days days later the man returns, but the flask is still empty.
“What happened?” asked ...

A carpenter and a priest were playing golf...

The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you do...

Obama and Mike Pence are playing tennis

While playing tennis with Mike Pence, Obama gets angry and every time he misses he screams "God dammit I missed!"
This goes on for a while until Mike Pence yells "If you use the lords name in vain one more time a lightning bolt will come from the sky and strike you"
They continue playing unt...

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A Scot and a priest playing golf (Long)

A Scot and a priest are playing a round of golf. The Scotsman narrowly misses his shot to take the lead.
"God dammit, Missed the wee bugger!"
The priest turns to the Scotsman shocked and says "You'd better not use the lords name in vain or else he will strike you down where you stand"
A ...

This is a joke my very Catholic grandma used to tell me: A little boy was walking past the church when he dropped his snack of crackers and cheddar in a puddle...

Angry at his misfortune, he loudly cursed, "Jesus Christ, God Almighty!!" The priest overheard and exclaimed, "What did you say, young man? You know it's a great sin to take the Lord's name in vain!" The little boy looked around frantically and responded, "Umm, I said my cheese and crackers got all ...

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Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motor...

The Ladder

A police officer arrives at the scene of a horrific accident. A painter had died falling off his ladder. It seemed like an open-and-shut accidental death, but the responding officer decided to look for witnesses to make sure.

There was a twelve-year-old boy standing nearby, so the officer c...

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The Hermit

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a hermit who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been know...

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Once upon a time......

.....a little boy named John lived a village with his mother. His father already died in an accident and his mother has to work very hard to run the family.

John was hated by his classmates at school for stupidity in class. Even the class teacher said to him, "You are driving me crazy John!"...

A nun takes a poor man golfing for charity.

On the first hole the man completely shanks a shot and says, "Goddamnit I missed."

The nun replies, "You shouldn't take the lords name in vain."

The guy grumbles and they keep playing. A few holes later the man hits a ball in to a sand-trap and again says, "Goddamnit I missed."
...

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Cheesy Jokes

What sort of cheese would you use to entice a bear from a cave?

Camembert



What sort of cheese can hide a small horse?

Mascarpone



Why did the cheese get beat up by the stone?

Because the Roquefort back



Why did the one legge...

A Priest and a Rabbi go golfing

A Priest and a Rabbi go golfing. On the first hole, the priest hits a perfect drive right down the middle, and chips it onto the green with his very next stroke. His putt is a surefire Birdie, but he misses it. The priest throws down his putter and screams, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!!!"

The Rabbi, ...

Dios mios!

A: You shouldn't say the lord's name in vain!

B: I'm not saying it in vain... I'm saying it in Spanish!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke about golf and a priest (A bit long)

So a priest is playing golf with a professional golfer and they are having a pretty even match. They are up to the 6th hole with the scores level and all the golfer has to do is get a 4 foot putt. He hits the ball but it misses. The frustrated golfer shouts
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I MISSED THE ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a beautiful young woman goes to the church confessional. (slightly NSFW)

One day a beautiful young woman goes to the church confessional.

"Forgive me father", she says as she sits down in the booth, "I have sinned".

"What is your sin, my child?" asks the priest as he eyes her curvaceous body through the holes of the booth window.

"Father, I took the ...

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