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Fruitless Jokes

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

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Heavenly pleasure

Jimmy takes the bus to go to work every morning and there is always a beautiful nun sitting in the last row in her traditional costume who captures his attention. One day he gathers his courage and decides to hit on her. So he walks over and gives her some compliments but the nun just keeps looking ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Str...

Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined?

It was a fruitless Endeavor

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

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A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he kno...

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree

Remained Fruitless

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

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The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.

This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Did you hear about the guy who tried to grow an apple orchard without trees?

His efforts were fruitless

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Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class....

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

Went into town to get some apples.

Sadly, it was a fruitless search.

An orchard was stripped of all its apples overnight.

Police say their initial investigations have proved fruitless.

A man tried to rob a store with a banana...

...his efforts were fruitless.

I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed.

It was a fruitless endeavour.

A resignation letter to my boss

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief. Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my ...

Farm Animal Band

So there is a farmer who owns many livestock, and also a singing horse. Little does he know, there are more musical talents on his farm. One day, the horse walks past one of the cows, singing, and the cow interrupts him and says; "hey horse, you know I can play the drums!" The horse looks at him que...

So i know a guy who used to be a sailor.

Now he stays at home, and his wife seems to be discontent with him. So a few weeks ago, he got scurvy. I wondered, "what could possibly give him scurvy? He can just go to the store to get some produce! He's probably got food at home!"

Turns out he was trapped in a fruitless marriage.

I told my roommate you get enough vitamin C in your diet without needing supplements.

The next morning, I noticed he was still taking Vitamin C with breakfast.

"Why are you taking that?" I quizzed him.

"What do you mean?" was his response. Feeling the need to revisit our previous discussion, I reminded him,

"It's fruitless".

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an ageing prostitute went into a pet store

she wanted one of the newly weened puppies they had on display. the clerk, knowing that puppies so young can be difficult, began to explain how to feed, train, and care for a puppy, the woman was confused by everything he said and seemed to be taking in none of the information being presented to her...

A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients

He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, “open this door and you are free to leave through it.” The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watch...

Did I tell you about my attempt to grow bananas in sand?

It was fruitless.

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

Finding the "perfect" one...

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he s...

Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy?

His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.

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