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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

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A bartender starts his shift as usual

and things are going smoothly. He shoots the shit with the regulars, knocking a few back as was his wont. A little later into the night a man walks in and orders a drink. After he gets the drink he sits and starts to talk to his hand. The bartender is confused for sure, he seemed normal enough when ...

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

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Willie's Buds

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join...

The new patient the psych ward says to another patient, "I'm Superman!"

"No you aren't", the other guy replies.

"I am, I swear it!", says the first guy.

"You are definitely not Superman"

"Oh yeah, wise guy", growls the first guy, "How do YOU know I'm not Superman?"

"Because", the first guy responds calmly, "I am Superman"

The first guy...

Two friends are walking their dogs…

Two friends are walking their dogs — a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua — when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”
...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”

The bartender considers it and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rat. He then reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender was impressed.

After the man finishes his dr...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

17 Signs You're an Incredulous Skeptic...

you won't believe number 8!

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediate...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

Apparently incredulousness is increasing amongst millennials

I don’t believe it for a second

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

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Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

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You hear about the incredulous Japanese man who didn't cry at his own father's funeral?

Poor guy couldn't bereave it.

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Oldie but goodie

A man went to the police station and said "Officer, I think my wife might be dead!" the incredulous cop replied, "What do you mean you *think* your wife may be dead?!" The man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink!"

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.

My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws. ...

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A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

One of my favourite jokes as a kid, for my cake day

An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman are all traveling together. It's late, and they've found a hotel to sleep at. However, when they try to book rooms, they find that the hotel is nearly fully booked.
"I'm sorry," says the receptionist. "We only have 3 beds left, and they're all very uncomfort...

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"


Jim saunt...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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A bartender notices one of his costumers hasn’t paid for his drink, so he asks to see his money.

The man says, “If I show you a miracle, will you give me the drink for free?” The bartender agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a hamster, and sets it on the bartop. It immediately starts dancing. This hamster is the most incredible dancer the bartender has ever seen, so he say...

An oldie but goodie: A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana

He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear slams his paw down and demands a beer. The bartender repeats "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, now furious, looks around...

The pope dies and goes to heaven

So St. Peter opens the door.

Peter: Yup, who is it?

Pope: It's me. The pope.

Peter: Who?

Pope (incredulous): The pope. Christ's successor in the church.

Peter (sizes him up, snickers): Hold that thought.

He closes the pearly gates and asks for Jesus to come ...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

I met an old farmer who had a pig with a peg leg

I asked him, “Why do you have a pig with a peg leg?”

Looking very proud he responded, “Well, that’s an amazing pig. Never had such a great pig before.”

Not understanding, I asked, “Sure, but why does he have a peg leg?”

Then the old farmer said, “Well, there was this one time t...

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.”
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.”
The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

Three men went on a hunting trip

They decided to have a bit of a competition and see who could get the largest prize on their own.

The first went out and after a while he brought back a magnificent buck. The others asked in amazement "how did you get it?"

He replied "I found some tracks, I followed the tracks, and bl...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

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Three ministers and their wives were riding in a van to a conference...

when the driver took a curve too fast, sending the vehicle off the road and over a cliff. All six perished, and found themselves in line at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter called the first couple forward, examined his book, then looked sadly at the minister.

“I’m sorry to say that I can’t l...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on t...

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An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

A frog goes into a bank

“What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.

“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.

“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.

The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What ...

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A guy is driving to work one morning, going well over the speed limit, when he gets pulled over.

The cop strides arrogantly over to the man, knowing that he's about to write a huge fine, and asks him why he was driving so fast.

"Sorry officer", the man replies, "but I'm late for work and I have an incredibly important job"

"Oh yeah?", the officer replies, "and just what work do yo...

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After being constipated for a couple weeks, a man finally decided to visit his doctor...

"Doc, I haven't pooped in weeks! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories a...

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Three scientists are arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

The first scientist says, "The meanest animal in the jungle is the the King of the Jungle himself, the lion. He wouldn't be the king if he wasn't the meanest bastard in there."

The second scientist says, "The lion may be king, but the meanest animal is actually the water buffalo. Even a lion ...

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A federal marshal walks into a bar in the Old West...

He tells the bartender about an unusual wanted man he's hunting.

"I haven't seen anybody too unusual around these parts lately," the bartender asks as he hands the marshal a drink. "How unusual are we talkin' here?"

"You'd definitely know this fella if you'd seen him," the marshal said...

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

In the Mormon Church there is a family that has recently been baptized.

After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,
“Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?”
The new convert replies, “Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?”
“On anything ...

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A Jewish man in the Soviet Union is lying on his deathbed

His rabbi arrives and asks him if he would like his final rites.

The Jew replies “no, please sign me up as a member of the communist party”

“A member of the communist party? Are you insane?? Why on earth would you want to join them?” The rabbi asks incredulously

“Better one of...

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[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

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The Sex Professor

A professor gave a lecture to a room of university students, entitled "The Correlation Between Sex and Happiness".

He was determined to try out his theory with a simple test, and so asked any students who had sex once a week to stand up. Those who did laughed sheepishly or giggled, and the p...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

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Cross-eyed Cow

One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.

The vet came out and said he knew exactly wh...

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Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.

When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about...

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my step-sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

my step-sister walked in on me while I was masturbating and incredulously asked "Are you seriously masturbating in here?"

I told her no, it was more like a hobby.

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

A man walks into a pizza shop and the guy behind the counter is the Dalai Lama...

...The guy, incredulous, says, “Your Holiness, you run a pizza shop?!”

The Dalai Lama replies, “Yes, I’ve always said that work is good for the spirit”.

The guy replies “I see,” then thinks for a moment and says, “Can you make me one with everything?”

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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar

The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off....

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend...

Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasim...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.



"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"



Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.



"Y...

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

A man walks into a bar

As he walks to the counter, he sees a one foot tall man playing the piano. He comments the player on his skill, and then sits down and orders a beer. The bartender reaches down and hands him an empty bottle.

"What's this?" asks the man. "I asked for a beer." "That's the wishing bottle," the b...

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A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

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An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam.

The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample."The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So...

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

Joe the Train Conductor

Joe, a train conductor, was driving his train when he fell asleep at the controls. The train suffered a terrible crash and only those in the front of the train survived. Joe was put on trial for the negligent homicide of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the elec...

The Pope and an Athiest discuss God

The Pope and an atheist decided to debate the existence of God. At first the debate was reasonable and reasoned, but after some time it became more and more heated; until finally the Pope snapped at the Atheist:

"How can you deny the existence of the Almighty when you can see the mystereies ...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start.

He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I ...

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So this lady has a husband who travels a lot on work

She is worried about her safety, being alone at home all the time, and she decides to get herself a guard dog.
She goes to the kennel and asks for the most ferocious dog they have.
“That would be Mike Tyson” says the kennel owner. He goes out back and returns with a tiny little pug trotting ...

A constipated man goes to the doctor

He is really hurting. The doctor examines him and says "I am giving you a prescription for suppositories. Take them twice a day. You should be fine."



A week later the man returns to the doctor looking more grim than ever.



"Doc," he says, "I still haven't gone!"

<...

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Well how nice!

Two older southern women recently rekindle a friendship after many, many years. They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.

The first older lady, starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol ring right here on m...

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The Voodoo Dildo

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a stor...

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A chimpanzee walks into a bar, sits down and slaps $100 cash down on the counter.

Immediately, the bartender begins chasing him around the bar, knocking over glasses of customers as the chimp laughs his ass off. This goes on for about 5 minutes. After they both tire, the chimp tips the bartender $50 and leaves. The bartender chuckles, and goes back to work as if nothing happened....

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3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"

"Shutup, officer."

"Excuse me?!" The policeman sai...

A blonde goes in to a shoe store...

She spots her favourite brand Jimmy Choo's. There's a pair in a style that she likes, so she takes them to the assistant. The brunette assistant starts to box and wrap them up when the blonde says "Can I stop you there for a moment?" The assistant says "Sure, what can I help you with?"
The blonde...

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A Little Kid Sees a Pirate on the Beach...

and walks up to him. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued, the kid asks, "how come you've got that peg for a foot?"

The pirate responds, "Aye, now that's a story. I was battlin' another ship with me crew, and a cannon ball flew straight toward me. Blew everythin' past...

A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."



"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.



"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travelling west."



...

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Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?...

A guy walks into a brothel...

...and says “I have a dollar, what can I get for this?”

The madam looks at him and his dollar for a moment before placing a large duck and a room key on the counter. The man is skeptical but he takes the duck upstairs and has the time of his life.

He comes back every day for the next...

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

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Life of a salesman

So a department store famous for carrying everything is looking to hire a new sales associate. They have narrowed it down to two candidates. They decide to do a trial run and give them each a week to see who earns the highest commission to see who gets the job.

The first guy comes in every d...

Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell dude"

A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman to...

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I ...

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There once was a broke girl

She really wanted to get a tattoo, so she went to a reputable tattoo artist and begged him to do a piece for free.
He refused to do it, so she offered to show him her boobs for payment.
"You'd be willing to show me your boobs for a tattoo?" The tattoo artist said incredulously.
"Yes,"...

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Bob is driving home when he sees a sign; "Talking dog for sale"...

...wondering if he's read it correctly, he pulls over and gets out to read it again. Sure enough, it says "Talking dog for sale", and having nowhere to be decides to go in.

Bob knocks on the door, and well dressed man answers; "Yes?". "I'm here about the 'talking dog'. What does he say; 'Roo...

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One hot summer day in the city...

A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.

One of the boys grabs the money a...

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

discussing which people are their favorite to operate on.

The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why.

"Well," he begins, "I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabeti...

Mozart has just died.

A woman is walking through the church courtyard a few days after the death of Mozart when she hears the Ode to Joy very faintly playing backwards. She runs into the church and finds the priest.

"Father, what is the music in the courtyard?"

"Music in the courtyard?" The priest asks. <...

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A joke about my Jewish Uncle Herschel

My Uncle Hersch and Aunt Sophie were married for 60 years and were both in their 80's.

One night Hersch gets up to use the bathroom and forgets to put the seat down when he's done. An hour later Sophie gets up to do the same thing, and falls right in. Worse yet she gets completely stuck.
<...

Cruise Control

*Author's note: I just came up with this while working my tech-related job, and I'm posting from my phone. I apologize if the joke just isn't as funny as I think it is, or if there are any formatting mistakes.*

A cruise ship is swept up in a violent tropical storm, throwing it off-course. The...

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I went to a fancy dress costume party the other day...

There was a guy standing there nude! Completely fucking naked with nothing but a girl on his back (also naked).

"What's your costume supposed to be?" I asked the man incredulously.

"I'm a snail obviously bro!" He smiled at my confusion and pointed at the girl he was carrying.

"...

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A guy walks into a jazz bar with an octopus on his shoulder.

He orders a couple of beers, and after a few moments the bartender, head cocked, says, "Buddy, I don't mean to be coarse, but what's with the octopus?"

"This octopus?" the guy begins, thumbing at his octopodine companion, "Oh this guy is a musical virtuoso. He'd play any instrument you have h...

A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

...about rations.

The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"

The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beat...

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A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers i...

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, ...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

A most interesting fellow

A man is walking down the street and runs into a rather strange looking fellow. He's wearing a dark hood obscuring much of his face, so he goes to investigate. He soon realizes that the hooded figure had no face at all.

"Excuse me, sir," the man asked the hooded figure, "do you mind taking o...

[Long] A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow.

A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow. Shortly after takeoff the Frenchman opens the window and sticks his hand out.

Then he brings his hand back in, sniffs it, and proclaims "We are above France right now!" The German and Russian ask him how he knows thi...

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a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

Two brothers work at the same factory...

...and one day they are laid off. So, they decide to apply for a new job with a different company.

The day of the interview, the hiring manager asked the first brother, "What is your current position?"

"I'm a diesel fitter," he replied.

"Excellent!" said the manager. "We have an...

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Bill, Steve and Jim are discussing when they get in arguments with their wives

Bill says "When I get in an argument with my wife, I tell her I'm sick of listening, heres the way it is, and that's the way its going to be. Then that's the end of the argument."


Steve replies "Hmm. Well, when I get in an argument with my wife, I calmly explain to her why she is wron...

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A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.

He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.

He says incredulously, "What do you mean, de...

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A boy and his baseball glove.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the ...

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