Tom Cruise Jokes - 45 Hilarious Tom Cruise Jokes

I went into the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise....

He lifted me up and sat me on a cushion...

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

Did you hear about how Tom Cruise belittled his film crew over Covid violations?

Normally he's the one that be little...

Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition

It’s called Whisky Business

What does Tom Cruise and the month of February have in common?

They are both short

I heard the new Tom Cruise movie has a run time of 2 hours and 43 minutes.

So then I asked “how long is the rest of the movie?”

I was going to make a Tom Cruise themed restaurant but decided against it.

It would be risky business

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

I asked my friends if they wanted to see Top Gun with Tom Cruise

They told me there's no way he'd watch it with us or let alone know we exist

People think Tom Cruise is short for a man

It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"

Did you hear Tom Cruise rented a whole ship for the M17 crew’s accommodation in Norway?

It really is a Tom Cruise.

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it?

Whiskey Business

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

Tom Clancy and Tom Cruise got in a fight.

One of then put up a novel fight and the other came up short.

Why is it that Tom Cruise does his own stunts in every movie?

Because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

What will happen if they decide to cast out Tom Cruise off of Mission Impossible?

the movie will be Impossible.

Tom Cruise likes his women like he likes his coffee.

Oh wait, his lawyers asked me to say he doesn't like coffee.

Tom cruise is going to star in a romantic movie about trying to stay aroused long enough to get his wife pregnant.

It's called 'emission impossible'

what's the most impressive thing about tom cruise performing his own stunts?

he does it in heels

As I saw Tom Cruise firing bullets at an innocent crowd, I immediately made a wish.

It was after all a Shooting Star!

Tom Cruise starts a cooking show...

"Whisky Business."

Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?
Right?

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A lot of guys thought Tom Cruise was gay

But look how that blew up in all those dudes' faces.

What do you call a robot that looks like Tom Cruise?

An Automatom

Tom Cruise was carrying amphetamine when he was mugged.

When the ambulance arrived the paramedic examined Tom Cruise and determined he was winded by a swift knee to the solar plexus.

The police officer wrote in his file: "The victim, Tom Cruise, got kneed for speed."

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, and Bruce Willis said they wanted to star in a movie about classical musicians.

Bruce Willis said “I’ll play Mozart!”

Tom Cruise said “I’ll play Beethoven!”

Arnold said “I’ll be Bach”

I'm going to the new Tom Cruise movie at midnight.

Seeing it on the Edge of Tomorrow.

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

What was Tom Cruises first marriage called?

The Manchild vs. Kidman

——

Please go easy, I know it’s not a very current topic but I just came up with the pun on this wonderful actresses name.

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- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opport...

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The story of Dave (Not my joke)

Once upon a time there was a man named Dave. Now Dave worked in a small business office where just about all his co workers knew each other well. One day, Dave’s boss wants to get to know him better so he invites Dave to go out to lunch. While they were eating lunch and talking about various things,...

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

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I saw my friend Jim at the bar the other week looking almost exactly like Brad Pitt.

I came up to him and said.

"Jim! How'd you end up looking like that pal? Who's your surgeon?"

"No surgeon man, a wizard. He told me of this enchanted pool past the three mountains to the east. You will see a cliff with a pool underneath, jump off the cliff and shout what you want to l...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

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So this guy named dave...

Goes to his boss and says "Everyone in the world knows me." The boss says " Ok then lets see Tom Cruise." So they fly to LA go to Tom Cruise's mansion and knock on the door and Tom Cruise opens the door and says "Dave come on in and have a beer." The boss still doesn't believe Dave so he says "Let's...

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralega...

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English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

I asked my friend what gift I should get him. He said, "All I want for Christmas is my one front tooth."

Man, Tom Cruise is so easy to shop for.

A joke from work

Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.

Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.

Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.

Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since h...

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Dave is constantly bragging to everyone at work that he knows everyone in the world.

Eventually, his boss has had enough of his shit, and tells Dave to prove it. So, Dave says "sure, name someone, and I'll prove to you that I know them." After a minute of thinking, the boss suggests Tom Cruise, and so off they go to see him.

Once they arrive at Cruise's house, Dave knocks on...

He who knows everyone

So 2 friends were talking and Mike says "I know Tom Cruise."
"Yeah, right." says the other guy.
"No, really, let's go." They go to his house and sure enough, Tom recognizes Mike and says "Hi, Mike, come on in and hang for a bit.
After that, Mike says he knows Skrillex.
The other friend d...

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

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Ollie and the pope

Everyday ollie would brag about how he knew everyone in the world to his boss. Until one day his boss got fed up and said "all right ollie you don't know tom cruise we're going to fly to holly wood knock on his door and see if he knows you!". So they flew out to Hollywood found tom cruises house and...

Thought I'd try writing bad monologue jokes today. Like Jay Leno bad.

Russia says it will begin patrolling with nuclear submarines again for the first time in 20 years. Nuclear subs that are 20 years old? I didn’t know Russia had Subway.

In Texas, a husband and wife are blaming one another for sending ricin-laced letters to public officials. As the saying goes,...

3 celebrities are going to a costume party. They decided to have musician themed costumes.

Tom Cruise says, "I'll be Mozart." Robert Downey Jr. day's "I'll be Beethoven." Arnold Swarznegger says, "I'll be Bach."

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