UPJOKE

Thousands Of Jokes

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

I’ve asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.

Nobody has given me a straight answer.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you piss off thousands of people on the internet all at once?

[deleted]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

You may be one of thousands of people with a lonely wash basin outside your front door.

Let that sink in.

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

Did you hear about the thousands of laundry machines that were found on the beach?

They washed a shore...

Thousands of people have made it to the finals of the world limbo championship

Apparently the bar was set too high

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

Thousands of men will die from stubbornness this year

NO WE WON'T

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

According to finnish sources there are tens of thousands of Russian soldiers at their border.

The only issue is that they’re buried six feet deep.

What do you call a book club that's stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church

Psychic: I’m sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?

Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books

But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building.

Hundreds of thousands of people throughout history could have died from eating apples daily…

…due to not having access to a Dr when they needed one.

Among the thousands of bees in a hive, how do you spot the Queen?

She's obeese.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.

Single-handedly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've watched thousands of hours of porn

Singlehandedly

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? - Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years?

Pete.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

There are thousands of different mosquito species

And they all suck.

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

During a war with the Ottoman Empire, the Habsburg army lost thousands of men in the battle of Karánsebes, and was forced to flee from the battlefield.

Then the Ottomans arrived.

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

Do you know how thousands of people quit smoking every year?

Do you know how thousands of people quit smoking every year?

Answer: By Dying


I saw it in a bollywood movie named Ra.one

A gospel choir leader with a lisp embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from his church.

But eventually he got caught and had to faith the music.

Thousands of crates of moisturizer were reported stolen today

... Police looking for a smooth criminal

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them could spare me some change.

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My father loves telling people how he has thousands of people under him at his job.

He cuts the grass at the graveyard.

So the FBI only interviewed ten people in the Brett Cavanaugh investigation, despite getting thousands of leads.

I guess their tip line was actually a “just the tip” line.

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

I’ve known thousands of women in the biblical sense.

And by biblical sense I mean they’re imaginary.

Couldn't astronauts just bring thousands of chip bags to the moon with them?

They get both air and chips.

Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.

But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's long, green, and has thousands of assholes?

A St. Patrick's Day parade.

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the thousands of times I’ve masturbated, the number of times I didn’t enjoy it.....

I can count on one hand.

Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?

He went to jail for Oolong time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US Forces have just liberated thousands of ISIS sex slaves...

All the goats and other livestock are being moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their farmers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

Authorities discover that Tom Hanks has killed thousands of people

with kindness

I consider myself very lucky...There are like thousands of women out there waiting to screw me

...over.

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back.

It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

Every year, thousands of kids are shipped off to mime school

Never to be heard from again!!

Today Grindr went down on thousands of people...

Fortunately, there was no interruption in service.

A charity office noticed that their town's most successful lawyer had never given any of his hundreds of thousands of dollars to the charity. One of the charity reps called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that, despite your wealth, you haven't given a cent to charity," said the charity rep. "Wouldn't you like to make at least a small donation?"

"Did you research also tell you that my mother is dying of cancer?" replied the lawyer.

"No," answered the charity rep.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus may have fed thousands of people with a some fish and a few loaves of bread, but Hitler...

That guy made five million Jews toast.

What begins with P ends with E and has thousands of letters?

The Post Office

Did you hear about the movie theater that lost thousands of dollars?

The thief made off with a large popcorn and some candy.

A truly historic day. Thousands of women at a mall..

and no shoe sale.

What did Stalin say to all the thousands of people he killed?

Crimea river

Thousands of homeless water faucets die on the streets without food or shelter each year.

Let that sink in.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
gods.

Cats have never forgotten this.

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife save thousands of dollars for their dream golfing trip abroad...

A man and his wife and save thousands of dollars, pack their bags and go on their dream golfing trip abroad.

The golf course is a thing of beauty, perfect greens, giant sculptures, huge sparkling blue lakes, the finest sand pits, and amazing views. The rich of the world all have mansions and ...

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

My mum always hated my dad for using thousands of dollars to shoot drugs up his arm.

I kept telling her he was diabetic but she didn't care

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I fell for a phone solicitor's scam to "become a Jedi" by traveling thousands of miles to train.

...because after my training in Saudi Arabia, I became a jihadi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(British joke) A man walks into a bar....

He says to the bartender "Hey, if I show you something amazing can I drink for free?" The bartender agrees, and the man proceeds to pull out a tiny, one foot tall man with a miniature piano, places him on the bar, and he begins playing. "Wow! Okay your drinks are on the house, but where did you get ...

Call your wife beautiful thousands of times and she will not remember, but her an elephant once and she will remember forever. You know why?

Because an elephant never forgets...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him.

So the man wal...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*

Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*

Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*

He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

A Jewish gentleman walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder.

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, where'd ya find that?"

The frog replies, "Brooklyn, there's thousands of em".

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

The rock musician plays three chords for thousands of people, the jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords to three people.

When a Queen Bee mates thousands of males gather round and try to impregnate her. Before the act of mating is done, she will have stored sperm inside her from about 30 to 50 males. This is an amazing aspect of nature.

So, much love to my man Jay-Z.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW]

St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer and a priest die and go to heaven.

"Welcome!", says St. Peter. "Follow me and I'll show you your new homes!"

First, he shows the lawyer a humongous mansion with a huge garden and several large fountains. "This is where you'll be living", St. Peter says. The lawyer starts jumping around due to excitement and rushes inside.
...

When I was younger...

I used to be in a bar band called Terabytes.


We had thousands of gigs.

Who was first in Transylvania?

Thousands of years ago, the ancestor of the Hungarians Attila the Hun came to Transylvania.

He saw a beautiful lake, left his gilded armor, his Damascus sword and his white stallion on the shore and went for a swim.

When he got out of the lake - armor was gone, sword was gone and the ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.