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Suspended Jokes

I just heard the Uvalde School just suspended their entire police force

My guess is it wasn’t in-school suspension.

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Young boy gets suspended from school.

His mother was furious, and yelled " "What did you do this time?!" The boy said all I did was tell a joke. He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants. Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so ...

Got suspended for cussing out my teacher

Not a bad consequence considering I'm homeschooled

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

Why did the police officer get suspended?

Beats me.

It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise

(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

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I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

Storing prisoners in suspended animation by volume!?

No! You have to weigh the frozen cons.

Why did the duck get suspended from school?

For fowl language

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My son has recently been suspended...

He was suspended for letting a girl wank him off at school. So I told him "That's three schools this year!"

Maybe teaching really isn't for him

Students at a high school in Georgia were suspended for posting photographs of their crowded hallways.

The administration was worried about the wrong thing going viral.

One of our classmates got suspended after saying this joke in class

A little girl walks up to her Dad after her Sunday School lessons one day, and she looks upset. The Dad asks "Aw Baby what happened?"

The girl whispers to her Dad, "Daddy the Priest... He...he..."
The Dad sighs deeply, and says "what happened sweetie?"

"He...he told me to stay back ...

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were use...

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

Why did Darth Vader get suspended from the Police?

He was under investigation for excessive use of Force

All flight have been suspended for a second time this evening,

come one now, this is starting to drone on and on .

Why was Selena Gomez suspended in elementary school?

Because she couldn't keep her hands to herself.

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Suspended from school, was watching porn while solving for cos÷sin

I got cot.

There was a big scandal at my school the other day, two students were suspended and teacher was fired for drinking on the job.

Homeschool is crazy.

I had a punchbag suspended from the ceiling by a line, but the line snapped...

...I thought that's a terrible punchline.

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

Teenage twin boys in a "special needs" class were suspended for online gambling while at school...

Turns out they have DoubleDown syndrome.

What do you call a Snake that Works in the Government?

My account got falsely permanently suspended

I got suspended for bringing a piccolo to school.

They told me it was too sharp

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Every time I introduce myself, people get mad

I introduced myself to my teacher, and I got suspended. I introduced myself to a pretty girl, and she told me to fuck off. I introduced myself to my neighbor, and he punched me. Maybe there's somebody else named "Yorick Hunt" with a bad reputation out there.

Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts?

They are both suspended.

A nail company wants to expand their business...

The firm, a long-established family company called Wilson's Nails, has seen their revenue declining in recent years and decides to try an ad campaign to boost sales. They contact a highly regarded Madison Avenue ad agency to produce an ad for them; After a few weeks, the agency sits the owners and s...

Driving Questionnaire

A man had recently moved and was filling out forms at his local police station:

Q: Has your driver's license ever been suspended or revoked?

"No, never."

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a DUI?

"Oh yes, lots of times!"

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a driving...

The Hiker With the Exotic Appetite

A middle-aged man got lost while hiking in the Sierra Mountains. Rescue calls went out and three days later a National Park ranger located him.

As he approached the hiker, the ranger noticed a campfire pit and the charred remains of a large bird. “Is that a California Condor”, asked the...

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

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Young lad comes home from school and tells his mum he's been suspended for saying the C word in class. His mom says "that wasn't clever, was it"...

The young lad says "nah it was cunt"

Did you hear about the kid who bungie jumped from the school's flag pole?

He was suspended

LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror!

You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.

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Headline: Quenched Dench benched for a French wench finch pinch.

Press Release \[Paris\]:
Legendary actress "Dame Judi", reportedly intoxicated, was suspended from her current production for allegedly stealing a Paris prostitute's pet bird.

What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?

Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

Little Johnny strikes again

Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy #1 : I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: GET OUT. Suspended for one week.
Boy #2 laughs.
Teacher: why did you laugh??
Boy #2: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT. Suspended for 1 month.
She bends down to pick up a chalk and Little Johnny gets up a...

Did you hear what happened to that NFL player that murdered several people?

He was suspended.

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Why can’t astronauts jack off in the shuttle?

Because working under a suspended load is an OSHA violation

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Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.

Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"

Susan decides to speak:

"Nice muscles", she says

Teacher is furiou...

Donald Duck has been hanged!

He is now in what we refer to as a state of suspended animation.

A man was in a terrible accident, and his wife asked for his prognosis

Well, Mrs. Smith, your husband went into a short period of suspended animation.



Oh my God! He went into a Coma?



No, it was for only a few seconds. I'd call it more of a comma.

So I was sentenced to death by hanging...

but my execution is being suspended temporarily.

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Impotence - An original joke

A joke I (nearly) got suspended for, for making up at work:

.
.


An 18 year old named Timmy is worried that he might be impotent so he goes to see the doctor.


Timmy says to the Doctor: "Doctor, doctor I'm afraid I might be impotent, I watch porn but nothing happens."...

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A guy is speeding down the interstate...

A cop sees him and pulls him over. "License and registration" says the cop. "I'd give you my license officer, but I lost it after my 3rd DUI" says the speeder. "You're driving on a suspended license?" "Yes sir." "Well, let me see your registration" The man says "I'd give it to you sir, but the truth...

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A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

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A traffic cop stops a man for speeding

Policeman: "Can I see your driver's license?".

Man: "I don't have it, they suspended it for speeding."

Policeman: "Can you show me the registration document of the car?".

Man: "It's not mine, I stole it".

Policeman: "You stole this car?".

Man: “Exactly. But wait a...

I was feeling really depressed at school and thought I should try hanging myself in the corridor.

I ended up suspended.

The NFL announced today that Aaron Hernandez

Is suspended indefinitely.

When I was in high school, I followed Jesus' example

I got suspended.

What happened to the chord who violated school rules?

It was suspended!

Some guys at my school got caught trying autoerotic asphyxiation

One got suspended, the others got off.

During the French Revolution, the commoners were busy executing the elite and bourgeoisie by beheading them.

They dragged a lawyer up on the guillotine, but as the blade dropped toward his neck, it inexplicably stopped. That was taken as a sign from God to spare his life and he was freed.

Then they brought a wealthy merchant up for execution, but again the blade stopped just short and he, too, was ...

Saddam Hussein was found Guilty in a Court of Law

but he was given a suspended sentence

Once upon a time, there were 3 little ducks who lived by a peaceful pond.

One day they got into trouble and were sent to Bob, the duck who was in charge of the pond.
The first one stepped up in front of Bob and looked shamefaced.


Bob asked, "What’s your name?"

The little duck replied, "Duck."

"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bob.

...

I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer..

It was a suspended sentence

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I'm absolutely fuming..

My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.

Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone...

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(OC) One day while going to the bathroom, a little boy asks his father, "Dad what are these things hanging under my weewee?"

"Oh that" says his dad, "Those are your family jewels."

"Oh" the boy replies.

The next day, the dad gets a call from the school principal that his son is in trouble and will be suspended for looking up a girls skirt.

The dad asked the son, "What were you thinking?"

The s...

New England Patriots list Aaron Hernandez out for week 1.

Suspended.

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

My wife got into a car crash

The Cops suspended her licence, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch.

Did you hear about the factory run by a hangman?

All work has been suspended.

Mickey Mouse hangs himself...

He doesn't die though, it's just a case of suspended animation.

Teacher

My teacher pointed to me with the ruler and said "There is an idiot at the end of the ruler" I got suspended for asking which end! :P

What movies teach us:

AMERICAN MOVIES TEACH US:

1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote basketball / baseball.

4. Aliens have specia...

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X-men get captured.

Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto are captured by Mr. Sinister. As they regain consciousness they realize they are naked with their testicles in a vibranium clamp hanging from a vibranium chain that is slowly being lifted to the ceiling. As they realize they are about to be painfully suspended only by...

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

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