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Steven Wright Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America C...

My doctor scheduled me for a MRI.

He wants to see if I have claustrophobia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

24 Hour Market

Throwback to my favorite Steven Wright line:

Realized late one night I needed something from the store and remembered there was a 24 hour market down the street.

I went down there and arrived as the shop keeper was closing up the store.

I said, " I thought you were open 24 hour...

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Credit Steven Wright

A man sits down next to a woman on a bus

The man starts flirting with her, and in the course of their conversation she admits that she's a nymphomaniac.

"Oh really," says the man, instantly more engaged in their conversation.

"Yeah", she confirms, "but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. Anyway, my name is Mary-Beth, what's...

Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke...

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

I saw an ad for Ultra Light beer...

You gotta tie the bottles down otherwise they float away.

(Steven Wright inspired this one)

I bought a new phone, the first thing I did was push redial...

The phone started having a nervous breakdown.

(The legendary Steven Wright)

You know how you feel when you're leaning back in a chair and you almost fall over backwards but at the last instant you catch yourself?

I feel like that all the time.

*Credit Steven Wright*

”I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord.

I kept almost dying.”-Steven Wright

The worst part about working at the fire hydrant factory...

is that you couldn't park anywhere near the place.



(Credit: Steven Wright.)

When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child....eventually.

(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

I'm addicted to placebos

I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference

-Steven Wright

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."

I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.

This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.

(Steven Wright)

I called the wrong number today.

A woman answered and I said, “Hello, is Tommy there?”

“Yes he is,” she said.

And I said, “Can I speak with him please?”

She said, “No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only 4 months old.”

I said, “Alright... I’ll wait.”


[Steven Wright]

I got a papercut writing my suicide note.

It's a start.

-Steven Wright

I finally got around to reading the dictionary...

turns out the zebra did it


- Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog

Now he's gone.

(My favorite Steven Wright joke).

A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service.

I walked in and hired myself.



credit: Steven Wright

The Wright Way

"I think it is wrong that one company makes Monopoly."
-Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights

I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Credit to Steven Wright.

I got a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer.

Credit to Steven Wright.

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