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Stays Jokes

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

Batman says “If you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same”

Who the hell said I was innocent?

My coffee stays in house

It's grounded.

If two loaves of bread are lovers, and one stays outside too long, what do you call it?

A stalemate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim Bob stays out too late

Jim Bob stays out drinking.

Jim Bob went to a bar after work and time got away from him. He stayed out too late and began to panic because his wife was going to be furious. Jim Bob became so nervous he vomited all over his shirt.

“Oh No! I’ve really done it now!” Jim Bob exclaimed in ...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour.

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the ...

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

I understand that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

But this election is taking things too far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy stays off the radar

Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

Mother asks her son why he stays single.

A mother asks her son, why he never marries, and tries to stay single. “You see, mom, it’s because I’ve never seen a couple that looks as happy as I am when they’re together.” Says the son. Then, mother smiling, replies “It’s alright. You can marry and still be happy as long as you don’t make childr...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

I like how every stranger stays still when I take their picture

I guess dead people are useful for something.

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

what do you call a married mouse that stays home?

a mousewife.

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

A man walks into a bar...

And stays there my entire childhood.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and prepare for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man thinks hard, and finally decides on the electric chair. After he ...

What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom

At least until you wash the sheets

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

What do you call a family member with bipolar that stays still?

A Manic Kin

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

My dentist gives me a new toothbrush every check up which is nice because I save them for when a lady stays the night.

So far I have about a dozen of them saved up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

what travels around the world but stays in one corner?

postage stamp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

I learned the Mandalorian stays ripped by drinking his own brand of protein powder.

This Is The Whey

I asked my masochist friend why he stays with his wife in a loveless marriage.

He just shrugged and said, “beats me”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim stays home from work

Jim stays home from work one day and asks his wife if she wouldn't mind going to the store.

As Jim's wife is returning through the front door, groceries in hand, she hears Jim exclaim "How in the fuck would I know?!". And slam the phone onto the receiver.

Jim's wife looking confused wa...

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

I have an Irish uncle that stays outside all the time.

We call him Paddy O’ Furniture.

Happy St Paddy’s!

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

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