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True story about quick thinking as a dad:

When my kids were little they would visit grandma and her old wood floor gave them splinters if they were barefoot. Every weekend I would end up pulling splinters out of their toes and feet. They would howl something fierce but once the splinter was out they would be so glad.

Cut to a year l...

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

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As Jesus is hanging on the cross he calls out to St Peter

"Peter, my rock upon which I will build my church I have to tell you something"

"Yes Lord" and Peter starts to climb the cross. A Roman soldier comes by and says "You're not supposed to be up there". WHACK... cuts off one of his legs.

Peter tumbles to the ground in agony.

Jesus ...

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Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

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NSFW: PINOCCHIO WENT TO GO SEE HIS OLD FRIEND GEPPETTO...

After some small talk,Geppetto ask Pinocchio,"So Pinocchio, tell me,how is your love life?"

Pinocchio reluctantly tells him,"Well Gepetto, the women complain about me getting splinters in their vagina.

"I have just the thing,"Geppetto continues. He leaves the room and came back with so...

So, Pinnochio goes to Geppetto and asks about girls...

Geppetto responds, “Ahh, i know exactly what you need. Here’s a few condoms.”

Pinnochio leaves, comes back later, very sad.

Geppetto asks, “Whats wrong Pinnochio?”

Pinnochio looks at Geppetto, and says “Geppetto, all of the girls complained about splinters. The splinters were te...

The big duck

once upon a time there was a little duck who lived in a pond. he was very lonely, since he had no friends. one day, he saw a big duck across the pond and started swimming toward it. then, he saw a hunter come out of the woods! he called out to the big duck, big duck, duck! but the big duck wouldn’t ...

I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

You know what really gets under my skin?

Splinters. Those get under my skin.

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

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Little Johnny is in class giving a test.

He gets done with it way before everyone else, and now gets to sit in silence while everyone else gets done with theirs. Having nothing else to do, he idly begins doodling on the corner of his paper to kill time, and when the time's up, he hands his paper in with everyone else.

Later during t...

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Seaman Jack

Seaman Jack joined the navy. When he was little he wanted to become a carrier pilot, then when he was a teenager he figured maybe he was only good for a rear admiral serving on a missile destroyer, and when he barely graduated high school, he decided well maybe he'll just be a sailor.

And the...

A guy was walking down the street one night...

...when he heard a loud "thump! thump!" behind him. When he turned around he saw a huge coffin following him. "thump! thump!"

Well the guy was obviously surprised, and more than just a bit scared. He starts walking a bit faster. The coffin picked up the pace as well, "Thump! Thump!"

So...

Pinochio just finished intimate relations with his new girlfriend when she ...

started complaining about splinters in her most sensitive areas.

Concerned, Pinochio went to Geppetto and told him of the splinter problem.

Geppetto searched all his shelves until he found the finest grit sandpaper among his supplies and instructs Pinochio on its use.

Several w...

Big John

A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender.

The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."

The man says he can handle himself, he's ...

Pinocchio's problem

Pinocchio complains to his father saying 'Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.' His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his member down whenever he needs to. A few days later during dinner his father asks, 'How are the girls?' Pino...

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Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.

Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.

A week later, Gepetto asked Pin...

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A dude tells his hippy girlfriend that her boobs are too small

A dude tells his hippy girlfriend that her boobs are too small. She agrees but says that she doesn't want breast implants because Silicone isn't a renewable resource. He suggests that she find a natural alternate. Weeks later she has a great idea and carves two boobs out of a tree from her back yard...

Bird Jokes

Just some random bird-brain jokes...

What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A flicker

What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A wader

What bird can do more that others? Pelican

What two birds met in the insane asylum? A cuckoo and a loon

What bir...

A man was walking down a dark street...

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.

The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.

He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locke...

Pinocchio goes to the doctor...

and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do."

The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This ...

An IRS agent visits a synagogue for an audit

After finding no violations, he goes up to the rabbi.

"Rabbi, do you light candles for Sabbath?" asks the IRS agent.

"Of course we do" replies the rabbi.

"And do you have cinders left over?"

"Yes, but we send them to a factory and they make one big candle for us."
...

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Voodoo Dick.

A man was going to go off on a business trip for two weeks. Not wanting to leave his wife wanting, he decided to get something to keep her "satisfied".

He spotted an adult store and decided to check it out. Walking around the store, he saw all sorts of toys and gadgets of pleasure. Dildos ...

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Pinnochio has a big frown on his face...

Pinocchio has a big frown on his face and Gepetto asks him what's wrong. Pinocchio tell him that his girlfriend has stopped having sex with him on account of the splinters she keeps getting. Gepetto thinks about this for a little while and comes up with an idea. He hands Pinocchio a sheet of sandpap...

Pinocchio is having issues in bed.

He goes to his doctor, and says his girlfriend is complaining about splinters. The doctor tells him to apply some sandpaper to his junk and see if that helps.

A week later the doc sees Pinocchio skipping down the street and asks how his girlfriend is doing.

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

M&Ms

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters....

Pinocchio's love life.

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters." So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the c...

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Three Guys on a Lake

Three guys were chilling on a beach, when one of them found a dirty bottle in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed the dirt off, and a genie came out.

He said, "Alas, I am free from my eternal prison inside that dreaded bottle! I promised myself I would grant 3 wishes to whoever freed me. Since ...

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