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Sarcastically Jokes

I was angry at my friend and he sarcastically asked "what would Jesus do?"

So I flipped over the table and chased him from the building with a whip.

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically 'I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it'

Well, you wear underpants, don't you? Replied the wife

How do you say genius sarcastically?

Apple genius.

"Have you ever seen a mailbox before?" asked my postman sarcastically.

I said, "Yes. Floyd Mayweather."

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

A Man Has Been Drinking All Day At A Bar...

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

...

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

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The new store...

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to...

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a ...

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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux

One morning Thibodeaux was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Boudreaux pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Thibodeaux looks at him, and asks "what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?" Boudreaux replies "I'm going duck hunting! You wanna come?" "You can't hunt ducks with duc...

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

As I got out on the 11th floor...

the lift operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically

As the doors closed he looked me in the eye and

said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?

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New shoes for dad

I took my dad to the mall the other day to get him new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green, and orange.

My dad kept sta...

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Harry says to Hermione: "Hey Hermione, guess how I got my dick to be 12 inches?"

Hermione sarcastically responds: "I don't know Harry... Magic?"

Harry: "I folded it in half."

Veterans Day

An elderly American gentleman of 97 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. He admitted he had been to France previously. "Then ...

Beer Belly

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"

My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."

A guy in an old, cheap car

Stopped at a gas station beside the latest Mercedes driven by a rich man. The first guy says "that's a nice car you got here, but my car is better". The second guy smiles and asks calmly "and how it is better?" The guy replies "well, my car comes with a genie" the guy with the Mercedes sarcastically...

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

Bumpy Night

An unruly drunk was being escorted out of the bar by a hulking bouncer.

'You should find another job,' the drunk says sarcastically.

"I have a Ph.D in phrenology,' the bouncer says.

"What field is that?'

'I can read the bumps on your head, after i put them there.'

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

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The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...

He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.

The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".

The man in Cling wrap turns aroun...

“That’s it, I’m cutting you off. You’re only getting water from now own,” the Bartender ordered.

Jesus rolled His eyes, “oh no,” He said sarcastically.

Harry asks his wife Theodora, "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Theodora looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, embarrassed: "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.



As they passed a barnyard of cows, goats and pigs,

the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"



"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

The genie

A man once put his 200k£ Lamborghini for sale. Few days later he got an offer from a guy and they decided to meet.
The two guys met. And the buyer offered him his junk car that costs around 500£ in exchange for the Lamborghini.
"Have you gone mad? This car costs 200k and your whole car can't e...

Leave the horse and grab an apple

Once there was a king. He announced to all the men in his kingdom: "get a horse if you don't fear your wife else grab an apple from the basket".

All the men from the kingdom came turn by turn and grabbed apple. The king was in deep thought, no one is behaving manly.

At last, one man ...

A guy with LED Light up shoes at work, excitingly proclaims "Look at my shoes! They light up when I walk away!"

His annoyed co-worker sarcastically replies: "Doesn't everyone?"

A girl is out with her friend when says,

"Hey, do you see what I see over at that motel?!?"
the friend replies, "no, what is it?"

In anger she says to her friend, "That's my dad's car! I know it's my dad's car because the license ends in 0 and has the university sticker that I put on it. I can't believe it. Mom's at home taking ...

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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and as...

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Oedipus travels to the future.

When he arrives, he is amazed by the wonders he sees around him. He finds the nearest person he can. "Where am I, and what age is this?"

"Athens, 2019" the man says sarcastically.

"Athens!? This looks nothing of the city I know, and you tell me I traveled 2500 years into the future!?"<...

Rob and Samantha ...

Rob and Samantha Henders just got married but they were having some communication issues – that’s a nice way of saying they were fighting. One day, they were in the car driving down a country road, each not saying a word after a particularly intense fight.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and p...

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A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

Guy gets woman pregnant.

Her: "hey Babe I'm pregnant! I can't wait to see if it will be a boy or a girl! What would you want it to be?"

Him: "A Joke!..."
*sarcastically* "What do you want it to be!?"

Her:"YOURS!"

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A man was driving his car on the highway..

When a man in red stopped him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the red pig and I want a ride". "I don't give rides to pigs" said the driver and he went on his way.

A few metres later a man in green stops him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the gree...

Son, do we have any dopted?

Son: What is a dopted?

Dad: You are!

Son: Ha ha funny one dad.(Sarcastically)

Dad: I'm not your dad!

A woman missing an eye comes into a bar

-I can't find my eye! Someone help me please!
A man sees her. He is tired from work and doesn't want to help her. "Sir, can you help find my eye?" She asks. "Would I?" He says sarcastically.
"No. Glass" She says.

Why was the T-Rex angry?

His arms were too short to sarcastically slow clap this terrible joke...

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An American and an Irishman order a beer at a bar.

The Irishman pulls out his money to pay and the American notices that the bills are all different colours.
"Who the fuck makes your money, Monopoly?" he asks sarcastically.
The Irishman looks over and responds "Who the fuck makes your beer, Kool Aid?"

True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I'...

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself

The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see w...

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
“You won’t have to keep a bicycle fed,” said the storekeep, “and you can ride around your farm on it. They’re getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.”
“I’d rather put the 35 d...

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