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Reassures Jokes

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire l...

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

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A young man goes to see his doctor…

The doctor greets him, noticing the look of concern on his patient’s face. He then asks what brings the young man in today. “Doc, I don’t know what to do. I’m experiencing very strange farts and I’m getting freaked out by it. I need your help,” the man says. The doctor reassures him and begins to ex...

A woman visits her daughter who went to college.

\- Listen, - the mother says after looking around - I know I raised you well, but... I see this campus has quite the loose morals. How, with everything around, do you manage to keep your chastity?

\- Oh, it's very simple, Mom, - the daughter reassures her. - Whenever some guy gets too pushy, ...

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A woman complains to her BFF.

\- I simply don't know what to do. All my husband talks about is his Mom. It's always "Mom is a better cook", "Mom is better at cleaning", "Mom this", "Mom that"... never pays any attention to me.

\- Don't worry, that's no problem, - the friend reassures her. - You simply need to draw his att...

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This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

A man and a woman in their 50's are out to dinner...

The wife asks, "Honey, when I die, would you ever re-marry?"

The husband replies "I might, but only if I had your blessing..."

The wife says "Of course, my love - but would you let her drive my prized Mercedes??"

The man reassures her saying "No, I would never let another woman ...

Don't throw up

A guy walks into a bar and orders tequila shots, one right after another. "Hey, slow down there," the bartender cautions. "I don't want you getting sick." "Don't worry, there's only one thing that makes me throw up," the guy reassures him. "And that's a dart board on the ceiling."

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies...

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies when he injures a finger badly.

He goes to the doctor and explains what happened.

The doctor examines it and says "It's broken, but we'll be able to get it healed up just about as good as new."

The guy gets a concerned look on his face...

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.

One day the priest says, "My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don't answer, I'll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating...

I don't know why they have to Italian, but ... (longish)

A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house. The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscly chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he got a large hairy chest!”. To wh...

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A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...

She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.

The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and ...

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

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A man goes to his doctor and tells him...

... that his wife has been refusing to have sex with him for the last several months. The doctor reassures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife says, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a cab ev...

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Boys have a thing and girls don't. Pt 2

*Hijacking the title from the front page*

Little Tommy was coming home from school after any regular Monday of 3th grade. As he passed his classmate Susie’s house, he saw her playing with her dolls in the yard. Being a miserable 9 year old he yelled over to Susie. “Hey Susie, you see this bik...

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Bob is the owner of a sawmill. He's away on vacation when he gets a call from his Foreman, Charlie....

"Bob," says Charlie, "Bad news. Carl had an accident. Poor bastard sawed his leg off.

Bob gasps. "That's terrible! Is he ok?"

"Oh he's fine!" Charlie reassures him. "We put his leg in a plastic bag, rushed him to the ER, they sewed it right back on , and he'll be back first thing in t...

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

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A man goes into the doctor's office with a strange little lump on his forehead

The doctor does some tests, and then sits the man down.

"I have some bad news for you", the doctor says, "you have a penis growing out of your forehead".

The man is shocked, he yells: "that's horrible! I will look like a freak!"

"No, no, don't worry about that. You won't be ab...

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

Prostate examination [NSFW]

A guy goes into the medical center for a checkup. The nurse asks him if he's ever had a prostate exam before, and reassures him it's very straightforward and not to worry. Just go through into the next room, and the doctor will be with you shortly.
So he goes into the room and starts undressing. ...

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An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

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An English couple have a child

After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop norma...

A blonde is on her way to Michigan...(Medium joke)

The flight attendant notices her sitting in first class sit, to which she doesn't belong. She asks the blonde to please move to her seat in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I deserve to sit where I want!"
The flight attendent goes to the co pilot and asks him to reloca...

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A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered for the first-time. Fearing the increased cardiovascular strain of sex could kill her she tries to put it off.
"I'm not sure if I can do this" she tells her boyfriend
"It's fine" he reassures her "it can wait".

Months go by a...

An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and invites them in.

He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes......

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NSFW. I always think it’s cute when my girlfriend and I say the same thing at the same time...

So one day her and I are in bed and we’re both feeling rather frisky. When things are getting hot and heavy she looks at me and says “You should put it in my bum, but go slow because it’s tight”
I ask her if she’s sure, and she reassures me it’s fine, as long as I take it easy.
So I put my t...

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A sex-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...

He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".

The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures...

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A man and his monkey walk into a bar

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. They sit down and order a drink.

The bar tender instantly recognises the man and monkey and says "*Hey, that's the monkey that ate the 8-ball off of the billiards table!*"

The man reassures him "*Don't worry, he won't be doing it this time*". So th...

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The curse of the forest

One guy goes out in the forest hunting. He spots a peculiar looking deer and shoots at it mortally wounding it . As the deer draws his last breath, a shaman comes out running of the woods and starts yelling at the guy that the deer was a very special deer and that he'd been cursed now by the spirits...

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SUPER DELUXE MODEL!

A German guy was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still has a problem. He had his penis amputated. He goes to see the doctor in America and the doctor reassures him that he can help him.

"First of all you have to pick a new penis" says the doctor. The doctor picks up a b...

What is Easter?

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die simultaneously and are instantly before St. Peter and heaven's gate.

"In order to be allowed in, you must tell me, what is Easter?" exclaims St. Pete.

The brunette answers first. "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus!"

St. Pe...

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Golf holes.

First joke for me, I first heard it in French and translated it, please be kind.

Joe practices some golf but he is a little wasted and he isn't keeping track of his score. After a few holes, he forgets which one he's actually at so after putting, he asks a lady to please indicate to him what ...

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

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One of my favorites from a New York cab driver...

A woman walks into an ice cream shop. The owner welcomes her and asks her what she'll have. The woman says, "Well, I know I shouldn't, but I think I'm going to have a scoop of chocolate!"

The owner looks pained and replies, "I'm really, really, really sorry ma'am, but we ran out of chocol...

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Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.

"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never m...

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Use the word great in a sentence...

Three men are sitting in a lobby waiting for a job interview. They make a deal that they will share what was discussed in the interview on their way out.

The first guy goes in and the interviewer says "Please use the word great in a sentence." The man thinks for a minute and responds, "...

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Virgin Learns How to Have Sex - Dime, Dime, Quarter, Dollar...

A young virgin goes to a priest and confess that he's never had sex and is nervous about his wedding night. The priest reassures the man and tells him that he should go home and tape a dime to his left hip and practice moving his body to the side each time saying the word "Dime". So, the young man g...

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

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