My car broke down, so I take it in and the guy says that he’s a quantum mechanic...

...So I ask him if he can fix my car, or not? And he says: “I don’t know, I’ll have to look at it!”

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ?

Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two quantum mechanics professors had sex

They must have had physical chemistry.

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

Which repair men are best at keeping secrets?

I hear quantum mechanics are pretty discrete.

Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?

They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

Woman are like an open book

But it's written in chinese and about quantum mechanics.

A physics student ask his teacher

A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity"
The teacher answers: "I'll see if I can pull some strings for you"

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," say...

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor...

I had a really small problem with my car

so I took it to a quantum mechanic

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A physicist is sitting next to little Johnny on a plane...

The physicist tells Johnny "I call tell about how all kinds of thing work, including the plane or quantum mechanics".

Johnny says "Alright, why is it when a cow poops it plops into these big patties?"

"I don't know" replies the physicist

"Ok, why do horse turds come out all clum...

Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.

Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.


A Programmer's Story

As an undergraduate, I was a Double E major. I studied physics, quantum mechanics, and Maxwell’s equations! I designed circuits! Hah! But does anyone call me Pierre the Electrical Engineer? NO!

As a master’s student, I studied mathematics. I learned and proved many beautiful theorems! I broke...

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