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Proclaiming Jokes

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A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Four guys are in a bar...

Four guys are in a bar; one of them has a completely flat head. The other three keep buying him drinks, each time loudly proclaiming, "And another for the Polish hero here!"

Finally the bartender asks what's up. "None of us would be here if it weren't for our Polish friend," says one guy. "W...

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In 1940 Goebbels made a speech...

Proclaiming that the Swastika was an example of the Golden Ratio.

Turns out it was a fibbin' Nazi...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"


The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inc...

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I have had it with those types of people who knock on your door proclaiming to be your saviour and that if you don't act now, you will burn

Fucking firemen!

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

Violin Manufacturers

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy.
After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”
The Guarneri family soon put a sign i...

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Beach Bum Theologian

A scraggly old man use to wander up and down this beach I lived at in Northern California. He'd always grin wide-eyed to whomever he passed proclaiming: "Get ready brother! God is coming!" or "Good morning sister, hope your soul knows God is nigh upon us!" To a potpourri of mixed receptions. Mostly ...

A man owns an elections store

One day, another electronics store opens up beside him with a massive sign proclaiming "Best deals"

In the afternoon of the same day another electronics store opens up on the other side with a ginormous sign claiming "lowest prices"

The man is worried until he has a brilliant idea. The...

Jesus and the Devil have a competition

After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, w...

[Long] The FBI, Scotland Yard, and the KGB are competing to find out who is a better investigative agency.

They release a rabbit in the woods, and whoever finds it quickest is declared the best investigative agency.
The FBI agent goes in first and investigates. He follows trails, asks questions to the other animals, and sets up Wanted posters throughout the forest. He continues this for a week until ...

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