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Priests Jokes

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

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Two priests (NSFW)(long)

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to m...

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

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10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
...

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each oth...

A drunk walks up to two priests...

A drunk walks up to two priests...


He says "I'm Jesus Christ."


The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not."


The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."


The second priest gives the same answer.


The drunk glares ...

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3 priests are out fishing on a boat..

One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."

The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..

The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."

The third one says "I am a gossip and ...

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states:
'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.'
'I know, father. As a...

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

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A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it...

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?

They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it...

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The Priests Question

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. D...

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Two Priests are in a burning Chruch

Priest 1 : WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN

Priest 2 : FUCK THE CHILDREN

Priest 1 : Do we have time?

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

There's these two priests walking out of a church, having a conversation, when a drunk approaches them.

"Hey (hiccup), do you two serve the church?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm the Son of God, so you guys are serving me."

"No, my friend, you are not."

"Really, I am. I can prove it."

"Okay, go ahead and prove it to us."

"Alright (hiccup), follow me."

The two pries...

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Two priests are running from a burning school

The first stops and says, "what about the kids?"

The second priest yells "FUCK THE KIDS!"

The first replies "Are you sure we have enough time?"

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10 men are about to become priests

10 men went to learn the way of priesthood. They have passed all tests and are going to go through the rite or ordination.

But before, they must pass a last test is to see if they are truly ready to serve the Lord.

All 10 are made to sit in line, naked, with a small bell tied to their ...

What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday?

Nun.

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What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Balls are there just for decoration...

How do you get two catholic priests to fight in a bar?

You toss in a little boy!

Four priests met for a friendly gathering

During the conversation one priest said, “Our people come to us and pour out their hearts confessing certain sins and needs. Let’s do the same. Confession is good for the soul.”

In due time all agreed. One confessed he liked to go to movies and would sneak off when away from his church. The s...

What dating app do Catholic Priests use?

Amber Alerts.

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