My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What does both a cannon and canon have in common?

They can both kill ships.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

NASA CHICKEN CANON

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangemen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit...

After the cannon was delivered, they realized the that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.

Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girlfriend said my dick shoots like a cannon.

A Canon 40mm pancake lens to be specific.

A photographer shot his subject with a Canon.

She was blown away.

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

I got fired at my job today!

My career as a human canon ball at the circus is going as planned.

Whenever someone it's the crazy idea to reinterpret the bible I'm like wow...

...loose canon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young monk arrives at the monastery

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone m...

The first time someone drastically changed the Bible people probably thought "Wow...

...loose canon."

It's not a big deal that people are now printing guns using 3D printers

I have had a Canon printer for years.

3d-printers are now making guns.

Pffft, that's nothing!

I've had a Canon printer for years.

What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?

A loose Canon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:


"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"


" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hark! Are those cannons I hear?

Charlie was an aspiring stage actor who was still waiting for his "big break." He rarely got called for an acting gig and was near the point of giving up on his dream.
Finally, one day, his agent called and said "Charlie! I've got good news! I got you a gig! It's a small part, only one lin...

What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music?

A canon canon cannon

What do you call a camera that shoots out true facts about an ancient Phoenician city?

A Canon, Canaan-canon cannon...


(I'm not sorry...)

So I wrote some Chuck Norris jokes the other day...

The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't speak, he thinks loudly.

New Orleans didn't flood because of a hurricane. Chuck Norris did a canon ball into the Gulf of Mexico.

Chuck Norris once punched the Tower of Pisa.

Chuck Norris doesn't fart, beca...

An Irishman is sick of people thinking he's stupid.

Because in England the Irish are stupid, Scottish tight fisted and the French smell. So he goes to have elocution lessons. Spends six weeks intensively saying 'how now brown cow' and 'Hark I hear the canons roar. Is it the king approaching.' And he cracks it.

The day after he finishes his cou...

Why was the Polaroid fanfiction ignored by the photography community?

Because it wasn't Canon.