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Canon Jokes

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

NASA CHICKEN CANON

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangemen...

My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed, I’ve had a Canon printer for years!

My grandfather was shot with a Canon

The picture came out really well.

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Pride Fact: Did you know the Grim Reaper is canonically pansexual?

>!Death comes for us all.!<

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The Marvel character Korg is canonically gay.

I’d guess you’d say the other gladiators are hitting rock bottom.

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I know it’s weird but I fantasize about having sex with women who have been canonized by the church.

If fact, I’d love to Mt St Helen’s.

What does both a cannon and canon have in common?

They can both kill ships.

“I serve the Old Ones.” “Cthulhu and Alala?” “No, Ricoh and Canon.”

My dad was a copy machine tech and he was talking to a colleague (Bob) who had been working on this machine. Bob was trying to slide out this chip or RAM or something and cut his finger open on one of the sharp parts. My dad laughed and said “You know that model doesn’t work without the proper blood...

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Monks

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A young monk arrives at the monastery.He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript so the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question thi...

What’s it called when a cannonball is shot and lands in the barrel of another canon?

Cannonbalism

A piece of retconned canon from Star Wars has a danger of causing glaring plotholes in upcoming Disney films and series.

It's what is known as "a loose canon."

A photographer shot his subject with a Canon.

She was blown away.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

3d-printers are now making guns.

Pffft, that's nothing!

I've had a Canon printer for years.

Even though I'm a nerd, I don't really embrace the notion of complete and perfect knowledge of canon, but I'll admit I was pretty embarrassed when I lost all credibility in a discussion on Chewbacca when I inadvertently spelled it with a K.

It was a Wookie mistake.

What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon

What's the difference between a 19th Century shipwright and a 21st Century fan fic writer?

One tries to fit as many cannons as they can onto a ship. The other tries to fit as many ships as they can into canon.

What happens to printers that perform miracles?

They get Canonized.

3D printers are now printing guns...

That’s nothing though. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What brand of camera a fanfiction writer owns?

A Canon Camera

3-D printers

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm pretty excited," the guy tells the bartender. "I just got one of those 3D printers. They say I can even make a gun on it." "Ha, I'm not impressed," the bartender scoffs. "I've had a canon printer for years."

I was thinking of adding cameras to the Bible

^(But they probably wouldn't be Canon)

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The anthropology student and the pirate.

An anthropology student was interviewing a retired pirate.

The student said: You have a wooden leg, a hook in place of a hand, and a patch over what I assume is an empty eye socket! How did all this happen?

The pirate replied:

I lost the leg to a canon call

I lost the han...

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Girlfriend said my dick shoots like a cannon.

A Canon 40mm pancake lens to be specific.

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

What do you call a camera that shoots out true facts about an ancient Phoenician city?

A Canon, Canaan-canon cannon...


(I'm not sorry...)

When I was younger I wanted to become a pirate!

Now I am a photographer, because every pirate has to own a Canon.

Whenever someone it's the crazy idea to reinterpret the bible I'm like wow...

...loose canon.

Clowns are such incredible people

It seems like almost every day another one is canonized.

The pope fired a priest from a cannon.

The priest got canonically punished

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

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A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:


"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"


" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".

...

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A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit

After the cannon was delivered, they realized that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.


Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one day...

Why was the Polaroid fanfiction ignored by the photography community?

Because it wasn't Canon.

So I wrote some Chuck Norris jokes the other day...

The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't speak, he thinks loudly.

New Orleans didn't flood because of a hurricane. Chuck Norris did a canon ball into the Gulf of Mexico.

Chuck Norris once punched the Tower of Pisa.

Chuck Norris doesn't fart, beca...

An Irishman is sick of people thinking he's stupid.

Because in England the Irish are stupid, Scottish tight fisted and the French smell. So he goes to have elocution lessons. Spends six weeks intensively saying 'how now brown cow' and 'Hark I hear the canons roar. Is it the king approaching.' And he cracks it.

The day after he finishes his cou...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

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Hark! Are those cannons I hear?

Charlie was an aspiring stage actor who was still waiting for his "big break." He rarely got called for an acting gig and was near the point of giving up on his dream.
Finally, one day, his agent called and said "Charlie! I've got good news! I got you a gig! It's a small part, only one lin...

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

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