UPJOKE
contemplatecogitateruminatemusespeculatemull overchew overthink overreflectthinkconsiderrethinkwondermullmeditate

After considering and pondering it, I decided to turn myself into the police today.

It was fun while it lasted pulling people over and collecting drugs, but totally not worth getting busted for impersonation.

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A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree pondering as to why things always fell to the ground…

And then it hit him.

A Pondering thought on Shrek

Do you think Shrek ever told fiona that he was head ogre heels for her?

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

Two friends named Michael and Ron were hanging out, pondering about things, while having a smoke..

Michael: Hey, Ron.. can I ask you something?!

Ron: Yeah, sure. Go on.

Michael: Do you think there's such a thing as a dumb question?

Ron: No.. that's just a stupid thing to ask!

A mad scientist was pondering over a mirror one night

His concerned wife asked him what he was up to. He said he discovered something amazing and could not figure out how it worked. Curious, she asked him about what he discovered. He replied “When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs”.

I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea.

Then it hit me.

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

A man gazes out his window, pondering the mysteries of life...

Because his phone ran out of battery.

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface.

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

Old Arabs used primitive stenography in war correspondence by sending meaningless sentences, with the initial letters of words as the real deal.

Thus was: We Hate Early Retreat Ending after returning eager to have eggs after rear right of wet sea.

And we used to send a reply as this one:

Upon  Pondering Your Order Utmost rates are still solid

A priest, one of many in his deeply religious town, decides to skip Mass one Sunday morning to enjoy the day playing golf.

Fortunately for him, as Mass was a rather large gathering, his absence isn't noticed by the other townsfolk.

However, God notices and is determined to exact a punishment. God spends a few minutes pondering his options, before ordering his angels to ensure that the priest gets a hole-in-one on...

True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.

Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!

It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"

I love ...

A Joke for Three Kings Day

Three Kings Day is tomorrow, and I have a joke that I think is fun! Here is the joke:

Three kings are sitting, pondering in an empty room. One then springs up and says:
"I have an Epiphany!"

A mother-in-law doesn't trust her sons-in-law...

...so she decides to test them.

First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother-in-law".

The next...

The Pig.

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he ...

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do in the evening?

Stays up all night pondering if there really is a Dog...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

A man decides to open up a business...

Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"

An Old Man Came Home

An old man came home and his door bell was removed. After standing there for 10 minutes pondering he said "something seems off but I can't put a finger on it

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

How do you know you are old

A little boy looking very distraught asked his grandpa "How do i know when I'm old"? The old man sat in his chair for a moment, pondering the child's question. Finally he answered "Son, you know when your old when you have to force a cough to fart". The little boy sat looking puzzled. "But.. that do...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that all blonds are dumb...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that blonds are dumb. So, he calls a meeting with all the blonds in the town to disprove this stereotype once and for all.

The researcher gathers alls the blonds in an auditorium and announces his plan to the crowd.

"To disprove the st...

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

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(Censored version so it doesn’t get taken down again) Three men climb to the top of a tall mountain

Suddenly, it begins raining, therefore the three men won’t be able to get back down safely until the rain stops. Suddenly, a genie appears and informs the men that if they name an object, they will be able to jump off the mountain and land on that object. “Pillows,” says the first man. The man then ...

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground” said the instructor.

After ponderi...

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Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate.

Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave.

"I'm not a very good pirate," he says to the captain. "I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight. I don't even sound like a pirate. Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"

"Aye Ronny," says the captain.

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecke...

The wise hermit

A traveler made a long, arduous journey to find a hermit who was reputed to be wise.  After searching the wilderness for many weeks, he finally found the old man in his hideaway.  "Tell me about life," said the traveler.  "Well," said the hermit, "life is like a fish."

The traveler thought on...

So this guy is feeling really down about himself....

....so he decides to go see a shrink. He lays on the couch and spills out his troubles, his fears, his self-doubts, and his longing for something more.

The doctor listens to all of this, and then sits quietly pondering over what he has heard. Suddenly his face brightens.

"Aha! I've f...

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