Pleads Jokes - 53 Hilarious Pleads Jokes

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

The Defense pleads 'Not Guilty by reason of insanity' and loses

They go to appeal and plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' again, expecting a different result.

They win the appeal.

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

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A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

Guy walks into a store...

Guy walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Where's the alcohol?"

Clerk replies, "I'm sorry, this is a candy store."

Guy pleads, "Do you have any candy with alcohol in it?"

Clerk walks down an aisle and returns with a bag.

Guy looks at the bag and says, "This isn't quite ...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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One of my drill sergeants favorite stories

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

A mother takes her teenage daughter to her gynecologist appointment

The doctor performs a routine test and discovers the teen is pregnant. Her mother's face turns beet red. If smoke could escape her ears, it would fill the room.

The daughter pleads, "Mother, the doctor must be wrong, I've never even kissed a boy!!"

Upon hearing this, the doctor get up ...

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. You...

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A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God.

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God one night after losing almost everything he had at the casino.

"God what have I done to deserve this, my wife left me, I've lost my job, I don't know what to do please help me." he says.

God suddenly appears in front of him and says "So...

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

A man walks into a bar…

He goes up to the counter and bets the bartender free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk, to which the bartender agrees.

The man asks the dog, "What is on top of a house?"

"Roof!" says the dog.

Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again.
...

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After dying Hitler arrives at the gates of heaven

God asks him his name and on hearing "Hitler" instantly remarks that he should be sent to Hell. Hitler pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot....

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Having had seriously bad breath for most of his adult life, Larry finally goes to see a Doctor about it.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday, Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit...

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A masochist pleads to the sadist, "Please! Hit me!"

The sadist replies, "No."

The storm is fierce.

The plane hits such turbulence that everything is shaking violently. The passenger, pale with fear, notices a priest sitting next to him and pleads,

"Can't you do something, Father?"

The priest calmly replies,

"I'm not in management; I'm in sales."

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'Reincarnation' - My favourite joke of all time

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night

when a robber with a ski mask bursts in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "O...

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

A marine biologist walks into the post office

A marine biologist walks into the post office and says he needs to send a large tank overnight. The postal worker asks for the dimensions of the tank and when the biologist gives them to him the postal worker says, "We can't send a tank that big overnight. It'll have to go by freight train."

...

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

Dog

A salesman drops in to see a business customer. Not a soul is in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stares at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looks up and says, Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job. Incredible! ...

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A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She is absolutely thrilled at the speed.

Never a man to turn down a good opportunity, the young man asks “If I go 120 mph, will you take off your clothes?”

“Sure!” says his adventurous girlfriend. So off they go.

As he gets up to 120 mph, she starts peeling off her clothes. Th...

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Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

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Sandpaper Sally

A man walks into a brothel, the madam comes up to him and and says “ Hello, how may I help you ? “ he replies, “I am very lonely, but I only have 5 dollars. Is their any way I can get laid ? “ the madame rolls her eyes and tells the man to leave. The man pleads with her until she says “ Well, I have...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

A man is travelling through the desert...

when he runs out of water. He is worried since the next town is not for 10 miles, so he is beginning to worry. Just then, however, he sees a man on a camel in the distance. When he gets nearer to the man, he sees that he is carrying bags full of neckties.
r>"Please, sir, can you spare any wate...

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A man is driving home when he spots the most stunningly beautiful redhead trying to hitchhike. He stops next to her, but just as he does an old man jumps out of the bushes and points a shotgun at him...

He points both barrels at the man and yells "Start jerking off!"

"W-WHAT?!" Yells the man

"Start jerking off or I'm taking your head clean off your shoulders!"

The man desperately unzips his pants and begins to masturbate, after a solid hour he pleads for the man to let him go...

A guy goes in to join the circus.

The ringmaster looks at him and says, "This isn't like the old days, kid. We don't just take anyone off the street anymore. You have to have some kind of unique talent."

The guy pleads with him, "Just give me a minute and I'll show you what I can do."

The ringmaster says, "Ok, you have...

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A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

Town idiot got fed up of how dumb he is and decided to off himself

He hikes up the mountain to jump off the ledge. He's finally 30 feet away from the ledge when he hears an old man's voice "What r u doing up here young man?

The guy turns around and tells him about how he's the town idiot and fed up with his own stupidity and how he can't take it anymore. The...

A Russian, an American, and an Englishman catch a goldfish while fishing on a boat

The goldfish pleads to them: “C’mon guys, I have a family down there, don’t eat me! Here’s what I’ll do for you, wherever you want to go, just say the place and jump off of the boat into the water, the very next moment you’ll be there.”

The Russian comes forward and says: “I’ve missed my dear...

[translated joke] A burglar enters a house,holds the couple at gunpoint and then ties the man and woman to the bed with belts and ties

"Take whatever you want but let her go " pleads the man..

"Shut up " said the burglar

"I can tell you the combination of the safe" cried the husband" you can take everything inside.just let her go"

"Really" asked the burglar

" I've a rare stamp book collection. Would fet...

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

A Man goes to see the rabbi

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked,

“What”s wrong?”

The man replied,

“My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,

“How can that be?”

T...

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.

“Give it to me straight, doc,” he pleads. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten what? Months? Days? Years?” The patient cries.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the doctor continues. “That was...

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Health Violation

A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor pleads with the inspector and ...

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before...

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

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A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

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