UPJOKE
boohahaughlolyepnopehmmdammithuhheypshawyessiroopsmustazelda

Pfft Jokes

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms.. pfft

They’re for ’s.

Apparently filling animals with helium is "abuse", pfft

Whatever floats your goat, I guess.

2 guys crossing the desert on a camel

All of a sudden the camel falls from exhaustion. One guy says "what are we gonna do?" His friend says "see that big puddle over there? We will drag him up there I will hold his head in the puddle and you on his behind try and get water in his stomach." So they drag the camel to the puddle. ...

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

Spongebob was the most unrealistic kid's show

A teenager in a minimum wage job owning a house and car. Pfft

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.


"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."


"Why's that, Clem?"


"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love ...

1400 calories a day?

Pfft, piece of cake.

I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was.

I told them it was the one from Sesame Street.

"Pfft, he doesn't count," they said to me.

I replied "Well that's where you're wrong kiddo"

A police officer just knocked on my door...

and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Pfft, my dogs don't even own bikes, idiot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

Pfft. Lucky .

Whats the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the ground?

Pfft pfft. (Spit sounds)

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Pfft, nice belt douche bag.

What do you get when you cross a bull and a possum?

Pfft... Don't be stupid... That's a possum bull.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember I always laughed in Ed classes

Like, **pfft**, when was I ever going to use this?

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese boy kills his grandfather...

Pfft, youth in Asia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

A man who is looking for a job walks into a shop and asks what they do there...

Shop worker: *Well, we're a Butchers.*

Man: *No you aren't, it says 'Professional Rabbit Tearers' on the sign. That sounds fun, can I have a job?*

Shop worker: *Pfft, yeah if you want to split hares*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tale of the bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit is sitting next to each other in the woods, taking a when the bear asks the rabbit. “Do you mind when you get stuck in your fur? “No.” says the rabbit. The bear then proceeds to wipe his with the rabbit.

A few weeks later, as both walk together they stumble ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A giraffe walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender, "Do you have any giraffe drinks?"

The bartender thinks for a second and comes back with a drink with the longest straw you've ever seen.

"!" the offended giraffe exclaims, and he walks out.

The next day, a penguin walks into the bar. He asks the b...

A man went to the wishing well.

He wished for a superpower, any superpower at all.

The next day, he accidentally rammed into the wall, biting on the paint. He then dissolved into a sentient puddle, able to cover the places he moved around in paint.

"Whoa!" he said, changing out of that form. He rushed over to bite a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An extravagant billionaire made his fortunes selling concrete. Life got lavish and boring. One day he gets in an argument with another bored gentleman about the possibility of creating a flying airplane out of concrete. Billionaire gets excited and decides to build one whatever it takes.

First, he goes to an American aerospace company.

"Can you build an airplane out of concrete?"
"That's going to be very difficult."
"I don't care how difficult. Can you?"
"That will cost $3 bln. and will take 3 years".
"OK, fine".

3 years and $3 bln later, on time ...
7 jokes are hidden here because they may not be suitable for all ages.
show them anyway

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.