A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.

“What??? I d...

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Three navy leaders from three different countries are arguing about who has the bravest soliders.

Three navy leaders from three different countries are arguing about who has the bravest soliders.

The American navy leader says "I'll show how brave my soldiers are! John! Climb to the top of the mast of this ship and dive head first into the water!"

"On it, sir!" John replies.

...

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An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

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Condoms.. pfft

They’re for fucking pussy’s.

Apparently filling animals with helium is "abuse", pfft

Whatever floats your goat, I guess.

1400 calories a day?

Pfft, piece of cake.

I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was.

I told them it was the one from Sesame Street.

"Pfft, he doesn't count," they said to me.

I replied "Well that's where you're wrong kiddo"

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A man wakes up next to his wife one morning. He asks his wife if she had any dreams that night

"Well, I dreamed I was at an auction for cocks," the wife replied. "Really big cocks got bids of $100, and the tiny ones got bids of $10."

"Oh yeah? What did mine go for?" the husband slyly asked with a wink.

"Pfft, it didn't get a single bid," replied the wife.

The husband grum...

A police officer just knocked on my door...

and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Pfft, my dogs don't even own bikes, idiot.

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The tale of the bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit is sitting next to each other in the woods, taking a shit when the bear asks the rabbit. “Do you mind when you get shit stuck in your fur? “No.” says the rabbit. The bear then proceeds to wipe his ass with the rabbit.

A few weeks later, as both walk together they stumble ...

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A man walks into a bar

Pfft. Lucky bastard.

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

Spongebob was the most unrealistic kid's show

A teenager in a minimum wage job owning a house and car. Pfft

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

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Meanwhile in Heaven's pub

Angel:8
.
.
.

God:9
.
.
.

Angel: we shouldn't do this while drunk
.
.
.

God: pfft, 10
.
.
.

Angel: 30
.
.
.

God:50!
.
.
.

Angel: okay..56?
.
.
.

God: haha fuck you! 100!.
.
.
.<...

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An extravagant billionaire made his fortunes selling concrete. Life got lavish and boring. One day he gets in an argument with another bored gentleman about the possibility of creating a flying airplane out of concrete. Billionaire gets excited and decides to build one whatever it takes.

First, he goes to an American aerospace company.

"Can you build an airplane out of concrete?"
"That's going to be very difficult."
"I don't care how difficult. Can you?"
"That will cost $3 bln. and will take 3 years".
"OK, fine".

3 years and $3 bln later, on time ...

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Pfft, nice belt douche bag.

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Two girls and a boy are playing doctors and nurses behind the shed one day.

The little boy suddenly drops his pants and shows them his penis. One girl screams and runs away, the other rolls her eyes and proudly scoffs, "Pfft, that's nothing. My daddy's got two of those." "What?!" says the boy, "Two?!" "Yeah two," replies the girl, "One for going pee pee and another for clea...

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Three friends go skiiing

These three friends decide to go on a skiing trip.

When they get to the resort and find the cabin they've rented, they realize its only one king sized bed. Undeterred by this, the three friends decide to just deal with it and share the bed as they will only be in here to sleep for a couple o...

What do you get when you cross a bull and a possum?

Pfft... Don't be stupid... That's a possum bull.

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.


"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."


"Why's that, Clem?"


"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love ...

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I remember I always laughed in Sex Ed classes

Like, **pfft**, when was I ever going to use this?

A man went to the wishing well.

He wished for a superpower, any superpower at all.

The next day, he accidentally rammed into the wall, biting on the paint. He then dissolved into a sentient puddle, able to cover the places he moved around in paint.

"Whoa!" he said, changing out of that form. He rushed over to bite a...

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Voodoo Dick.

A man was going to go off on a business trip for two weeks. Not wanting to leave his wife wanting, he decided to get something to keep her "satisfied".

He spotted an adult store and decided to check it out. Walking around the store, he saw all sorts of toys and gadgets of pleasure. Dildos ...

Whats the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the ground?

Pfft pfft. (Spit sounds)

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A giraffe walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender, "Do you have any giraffe drinks?"

The bartender thinks for a second and comes back with a drink with the longest straw you've ever seen.

"Asshole!" the offended giraffe exclaims, and he walks out.

The next day, a penguin walks into the bar. He asks the b...

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3 dwarves. (kinda nsfw)

3 dwarves (very short fellas. Like the size of a thumb) are all looking for a place to live. They go around the world looking and finally decide the best place to settle down is on a womans body. The first one decides that he wants to live between the breasts. The second one chooses the stomach and ...

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Japanese boy kills his grandfather...

Pfft, youth in Asia.

A man who is looking for a job walks into a shop and asks what they do there...

Shop worker: *Well, we're a Butchers.*

Man: *No you aren't, it says 'Professional Rabbit Tearers' on the sign. That sounds fun, can I have a job?*

Shop worker: *Pfft, yeah if you want to split hares*

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