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Overwhelmed Jokes

The Keeper of All Jokes was starting to get overwhelmed.

There were so many supposedly new ones arriving every day that he couldn’t properly review them so he hired an assistant to dispose of the rejects. Thanks to a miscommunication, the assistant thought he was getting delivery instructions every time the Keeper said “read it”. So now you know.

Im just so overwhelmed with the difficulty of writing my own book

There are no words

Did you hear about that kid that got overwhelmed and burst into tears when his parents threw him a huge Thor themed 6th birthday party?

He wanted something a little more Loki.

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Whenever I get overwhelmed at work, I remind my boss that I only have two hands and one dick...

...I can only fuck up one thing at a time.

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

"It’s a boy!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!! I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears"

~Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

What do liberal arts majors yell when overwhelmed?

Oh,the humanities!

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

a father and his son are having a heart-felt talk.

“my boy”. the father started. “you are now about to became the old coot that i had been, so thus i entrust you with this book, and i hope it would be useful as it was to me.”

the son, curious on the present his father gave him, looked at the title of the book:

“1001 best dad jokes, eve...

Bike

There was a man whose name was David, his pride and joy was his beautiful and powerful bike. He loved it more than anything in the world. One day, he was cruising on his bike when he had a minor heart attack, and he rolled off the road and into a tree. Luckily, he had just suffered some minor injuri...

Truck wreck

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

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A general approaches hitler

“Sir, our mining operations are overwhelmed, we aren’t able to ship what we produce. We are simply producing far too many tons of ores!

Hitler responds: “Just mine less”

A grammar nazi interjects: “Mine fewer”

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One day in the jungle...

Jane and Tarzan are getting to know each other and she's trying to teach him the different things about her culture. Finally she gets around to talking about sex and asks Tarzan what he does for sex. He shakes his head and says, "Tarzan no do sex." Jane asked what he does about it when he gets overw...

A blind guy and a hunchback…

A blind guy and a hunchback were drinking in a bar. The hunchback suddenly remembered he promised his wife he would be home before midnight. So he rushes home, taking a shortcut through the cementery.


While walking through this cemetery he suddenly hears: “BOO, i am a ghost, what’s on y...

Giorgio, the Italian immigrant...

(long) ...came to the US back in the 1960s before digital photos, cell phones, or computers. He wanted to get a professional photo taken to be sent to his mamma in Italy to show her how well he was doing.

The photographer said he would be at Giorgio’s home at 11:00. But, Giorgio understood 1:...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years

He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement.

He arrives at the third hous...

There was once a doctor renowned for her temper

She was becoming so angry at work that she decided to retrain as a lawyer, to be able to release some of her stress by shouting in a courtroom. Out of a sense of loyalty she would regularly represent some of the people she used to treat when they had cases brought against them. Word got out about he...

An Amish family goes to a mall for the first time

And of course they are overwhelmed. The man stands in front of an elevator, puzzled what this contraption may be. He watches a very heavyset woman enter it, the doors close and the elevator goes up, and as it returns, a young, beautiful woman emerges.

"What is that, Pa?", little Joshua wants...

A wife asks her man: when do you love me the most?

He says: 24/7...
His wife starts being overwhelmed and he continues: because tomorrow is 25/7

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."

The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."

\----------------------

The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He a...

One day, a man doing janitorial duties on a submarine asked for a change of scenery

“I just clean the hallways,” he’d say. “Everyday. It gets boring fast, please?”

His manager stared him down, but he saw that the man wouldn’t give up.

“Alright,” the manager sighed. “I suppose I could see about you changing your post.”

The man was overwhelmed with excitement and...

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

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Joe, Chris, and Adam go on a weekend hunting trip

As they are all sitting around the fire telling tall tales, cleaning their guns, and celebrating their successes, Joe suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by nature's call and strikes off into the woods to relieve himself.

Chris and Adam talk about everything and nothing and how their families...

Bells

A homeless man with no arms walked into the small quaint village. He stopped at the local church because he heard they had a job available.

The priest told him they were looking for a person to ring the bells, but from the homeless man’s lack of arms he would not be considered.

T...

A man moves into a new neighborhood closer to his workplace so he can walk to work.

On his first day walking to work in the morning, he’s walking past a house and in the window he sees a woman hit her son over the head with a loaf of bread.

Each morning as he walks to work he sees the woman hit the boy over the head with a loaf of bread. Everyday it’s the same.

Then...

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Two guys meet in a bar, and over drinks, one of them turns to the other and says, "Erm, I have to confess something, I'm a masochist, I like it when people hurt me."

The other guy says, "Really? I'm a sadist, I like to hurt people, want to come
home with me?"

They get to the sadists house, and into the basement, where the walls are
lined with whips and implements for causing pain, and the masochist is
overwhelmed with joy. He takes off his shirt,...

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There was once a man who LOVED golf

There once was a man who loved golf. Once each year he would save up for an all expenses paid golf vacation on a resort Island.

This year he met a beautiful woman. and they hit it off immediately, playing golf all day, and wonderful sex all night.

At the end of the 2 weeks at the resor...

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A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he stumbles down a riverbed and bumps into a preacher who is baptizing people. The startled preacher turns around and is overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So...

A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison

He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.

After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.

He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally bein...

A priest has a moment of weakness. He decides to go to a brothel.

Being a faithful servant of the lord until recently, he's overwhelmed. He sees one lady named destiny and immediately falls in love.

She's repulsed by him though, they just did not mesh.

The father leaves and returns the next day with flowers but destiny still will not have anything t...

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.

Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.

He places a twenty on the bar, an...

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.

' She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, were a unit, your problem is my problem were in this together.'

Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'

But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'

I then had to expl...

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My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches. For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes. He was so fe...

Jesus is back...

Two homeless friends meet in a small british town on a Sunday morning after a long time.

*We must celebrate, let's have a drink, what do you have on you?*

*I only have a few Euros, and you?*

*Me too, hardly enough to have a nice drinking day.*

After a moment of silence, t...

The Lord of an 19th century English manor is having an affair with one of his chambermaids...

One day the chambermaid is giving him a blow-job when she hears the lady of the house approaching. She stops what she's doing and looks up at him. At that moment, he climaxes and manages to get some right in her eye.

It's messy and burning, she runs to the door, rubbing her face and tearing u...

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

A priest sees God

After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a...

A ship is ambushed in the open ocean.

After a couple hours of combat, the crew is overwhelmed and pirates come aboard. They proceed to line up the captured men and one by one ask who they think the best sailor is on their vessel. The majority of men say that the lookout Seamus has the most experience under his belt. Hearing this the pir...

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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

Hare-lip joke my mother told me a long time ago.

A woman with a cleft lip was sitting by herself at a dance club. She absolutey loved to dance, but was also extremely self-conscious about her appearance. After an hour or so of no one even smiling at her, she was about to leave. A gentleman at the bar noticed the woman and was instantly taken by he...

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Having a great round of golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.


On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER noti...

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

On his way home from work, a man realizes he has forgotten a birthday gift for his daughter...

He stops at Toys R Us and heads straight to the Barbies. Overwhelmed by all of his choices, he approaches a nearby sales associate. She then proceeds to show him their most popular Barbie dolls.

"Well, here we have Astronaut Barbie, Surfer Barbie, and Veterinarian Barbie... but our most popu...

An old forest ranger is retiring.

At his retirement party he tells his successor, "Jerry, whatever you do, don't fire Hugh Williams".
Well Jerry doesn't really like being told what to do, especially by some guy on his way out the door, but he assures the old ranger he won't fire him.
A few years pass without incident, but as ...

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An archeologist is riding through the desert

[Another great joke from German comedian Otto Waalkes]

An archeologist is riding through the desert on his loyal horse Wallah, when he hears a voice.

*get off*

...

*get off*

He gets off his horse and looks around. He doesn't see anyone.

Then he hears it agai...

Two rabbis are at temple...

Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep brea...

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

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"Wy."

There was a guy, and his name was Jack. He had a girlfriend named Wendy, who he was going to marry. After their wedding, he decided, "I'm gonna be with this girl for the rest of my life !," so he got her name tattooed on his penis. When he was hard, it would say Wendy, but when he was soft, it would...

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A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...

She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to strip down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.

A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits d...

A cake walked into a bar...

It was gonna try to find it's owner because it was celebrating his 50th birthday.

But when the people saw the cake they were very puzzled. What is this thing? (Seeing very well that it had legs and arms)

The cake replied, "I am a cake looking for someone named- ooh I don't remember b...

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