UPJOKE

My Mom Jokes

I got 50 dollars from my mom...

She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.

That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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I was watching porn and my mom walked in......

I had no idea she was even in that movie!

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

My mom died because I couldnt remember her blood type

She kept saying "be positive " but it's going to be hard when she's not around

My Mom got mad at me for tickling my little brother's feet...

She was all like "Wait until he's born"

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

I told my Mom that a friend at school called her a MILF.

All she could say was “Which friend?”

I told my psychiatrist that I can only get high if I take THC gummies with my mom.

Apparently I have an edible complex.

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

I ate my mom...

Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.

This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

He said it was the best trade he's ever made

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

My mom would wake up early just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch….

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

My mom told me I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

I asked my mom "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

That probably explains why her marriage failed.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus...

It’s the little things that count...

My mom’s new husband gave me his ladder.

It’s now my step ladder.

One time my Mom said, "Put this towel in its place"

So I pointed at it and yelled, "Don't forget you're nothing but a towel."

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

What does a bad developer and my mom have in common?

Both pushed a disaster.

My Mom bought me a coffee based hand scrub.

Now I get an erection every time I pass a starbucks.

I asked my mom if I can have some of her sleeping pills?

She said

Sure, knock yourself out

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

My mom told me, “Son, don’t text and drive. You could die.”

I said, “Mom, don’t worry, I never text when I’m drunk.”

Joke my mom just told me when I asked her why she never tells any jokes

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then ...

My mom told me she hated me today

She forgot to say April Fools

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My wife has a sexy nightgown that I like because it reminds me of one my mom used to have.

I call it her Freudian slip.

Just sued my mom for sending me blanket made by her and her sewing club.

Quilt by Association

My mom dresses like my dad and my dad dresses like my mom

They're transparent

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

She told me "You're the goddamn doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."

"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.

The last few times i visited her she can't remember my name." "Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks. "No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."

Today my mom saw me fingering myself on my period...

I guess you could say she caught me red-handed.

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I accidentally called my mom an asshole

and now i feel like a piece of shit.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she sna...

I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?

She said that rings a bell

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NSFW When I was 17, my mom caught me masturbating

She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.

When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"

I said "I'm over here Dad"

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay.

She said she wanted more A's.

So I told her "okaaaaay".

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One day, my mom caught me masturbating in the tub.

I thought she'd be mad, but instead she just stopped buying margarine.

My mom told me that “the world isn’t just black and white”

She still hasn’t coped with me being colorblind.

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My mom sent me this joke

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:

27% of women think their ass is too fat.

9% of women think their ass is too skinny.

And the remaining 64% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man and they wou...

My mom won’t let my dad go to the store

The cashier’s always checking him out

My mom got arrested for prostitution and I'm gutted

I never knew she was my mother

When I was a kid some guy said he slept with my mom last night. I told him he was a liar, cos I slept with my mom last night.

Looking back, I now realize what I said

When my parents were getting divorced, I was given a choice to go with my mom or dad. I chose my mom.

I left my dad for milk.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

My mom is too angry right now

She says she will bang my head on the keyboard if i stay on the desk for anotherlkjdflkdjfvnvsdfsl'

My mom and dad were both dwarfs

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

I asked my mom why she didnt hyphenate her last name.

Dad said she lost her hyphen when she got married.

My mom said to follow my dreams

So I went back to bed!

I meant to get my mom an Edible Arrangement for Mother's Day

Accidentally got an Oedipal Arrangement and boy is this brunch awkward

I tried to eat dairy free for a month, but it only worked at my Mom's house.

Everywhere else, they charge for it.

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.

Papaya

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

I didn't know my mom watched Bob Ross

Because she called me a happy little accident

I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC

But all it did was make my motherboard

My mom just took away my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about it.

My mom asked were I was taking her for Mother’s Day?

I told her we have food at home!

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

A blonde goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

My mom washed my wallet on accident.

Asked me “is that what you call laundering money”.

Is my mom fat?

Your mama's so fat
she heard the weatherman say it was chili outside she grabbed a bowl and spoon and ran out the door

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

Took my mom out yesterday!

Being a sniper is awesome.

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

The FBI has answered my mom's oldest question.

The FBI recently announced that indeed (contrary to my mothers teaching) the laundry has done itself!

Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster".

To which my dad replied "yeah she is"

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My mom called me a son of a bitch...

So I hit her, because Nobody calls my mother a bitch.

When my dad turned 40 he left me and my mom and went to Syria to become a terrorist.

I guess he's just going through his midlife ISIS.

My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

My mom sent me an article about procrastination.

I think I'll read it later...

My mom was asking me if I had a drug problem.

I told her, 'yeah, I can't find any'.

My dad was Korean and my mom was Mexican

Hi, I am Guacamo Lee

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They’re both thinking, “Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!”

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

My dad divorced my mom, and instead married our staircase

I guess now I have a step mom

i showed my mom my D and she was not happy







































she said to go study and come talk to her when i get a A+

My mom’s sister drank methanol, and now she can’t move.

Later though, I found out it’s commonly used as auntie freeze.

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

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I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

My mom is forcing me out and it's totally unfair...

I've only lived here for 9 months

My Mom Had Memory Loss.

I hope I don't have it, as it runs in the family. You see, my mom had memory loss

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

I’m so tired of babysitting my mom’s grandkids

Disclosure: Yes they’re mine but they like her more

My mom runs a car dealership and I am getting my new car from there.

My mom asked me "So will you be writing a cheque?"

I replied "Not today! It's my cake day. I get Free Karma"

My mom has a brother named Bob

All of my life I never understood why so many people felt they needed to tell me he's my uncle.

When I was young, I was so overweight that my mom wouldn't let me take swimming lessons.

It wasn't because of my weight, it was because it was never more than a half an hour since I had eaten.

When I was 16 years old I told my mom I wanted to get a motorcycle...

She said, "You are not buying a motorcycle. My brother, your uncle who you never met, died in a horrible motorcycle accident. You can have his bike."

A conversation I had with my mom

Mom: A little birdy told me someone’s been taking drugs

Me: Well you’re the one talking to birds!

My mom asked me to go to the market

"Honey, please go to the market and buy 1 bottle of milk. If they have eggs, bring 6."

I came back with 6 bottles of milk.

She said: "Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"

I said: "Because they had eggs."

On my mom's death bed, she exclaimed she was probably going to Hell & asked if I had any last words for her

I told her ... put in a good word for me.

When I was little I drank all my mom's food coloring...

I dyed a little inside

When I was young, my Mom told me the same thing every day.

My mother never ceased to tell me that I could be anyone I wanted when I grew up. Many times a day, she reminded me of this. "You can be who ever you want when you grow up."

Today, I was arrested for identity theft.

My mom’s a Jew, but my Dad isn’t.

So really I’m Jew..ish

I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes.

I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."

My mom always makes the pancakes too thin

I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

My mom told me a joke once

Her joke was "son, you're my biological child and i love you".

I told my mom that when I grow up, I want to be a musician.

She said “don’t be silly, you know you can’t do both!”

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