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My Car Jokes

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I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

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I like my sex the way I like my car insurance

Paid for by my parents

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested..

As he was getting arrested he kept saying “do you know who I am???”

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Elon Musk: Did you move my car?

Team: Yeah.

Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?

Team: Parking!?

Someone wrote "ngba" on my car.

I thought that's bang out of order.

A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Finally time to retire my car..

It's driven 50000 miles and the tires are worn out..need to get new tires

My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car so...

I had to pop the trunk.

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My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

I just lost my job as a clown, so I'm selling my car...

It's a bargain: one owner, 11000 miles, seats 26

My car keeps showing that's it's low on fuel...

... but it's probably just gaslighting me.

After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife.

She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"

I said, "That's the point."

I asked my car mechanic why he always so busy.

He said, I got too many kids from screwing, nutting and bolting!

The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.

That’s....sound advice.

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I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and

some bastard broke in and left two more.

I took a spiritual guide to court for crashing into my car.

They tried to claim it was an accident.

I said there are no accidents.

They said they didn't think they would hit my car because they were on a spiritual plane.

I said you should have gone to a higher plane.

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Funeral director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage."

Mechanic says, "I'm sorry sir I don't think I can help, It's because of all the dead weight in the back."

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I think it's about time I upgraded my car's navigation system.

I couldn't use it last night, as the fucking stars weren't out.

I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it to go to hell.

20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

I once heard my car honking repeatedly and went outside to see my Pitbull in the front seat humping the steering wheel

Always knew he was a horn dog

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

I left my car between the numerator and denominator.

I got a ticket for parking in fraction.

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

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My car screeched to a halt on the front lawn of our house...

I dashed inside and yelled, "Honey! Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!"

From upstairs my wife called out, "That's wonderful dear! What should I pack? Beach clothes? Mountain clothes?"

I yelled back, "I don't care!! Just get the fuck out!!"

"Hello, I need to make an insurance claim, a fish have damaged my car."

-"... a fish? We'll have to inspect the vehicle first. Where is it parked?"

-"In the lake."

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

What's the difference between Whitney Houston and my car?

My car can hit 50

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Crashed my car recently.

I was in my car and started to drift to the side. I overcorrected and rolled my vehicle. The only thing broken was the glass. In other words, crash due to driver error; need to repair Windows.

I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

I dented my car...

... so I took it to a dentist.

I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car

Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me

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I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now....

I sold my car

So I could buy some gas.

My car got stolen yesterday !!

I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel

I just can’t handle it anymore.

I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, “Do you have any idea why my car is humming?”

He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

I got a boot on my car for what I thought were just average parking tickets.

As it turns out, they were outstanding.

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

I filled my car with gas the other week and it cost me $175.00

So I drove off without paying.

They took me to court and I got fined $75.00

I will be back next week with more money saving tips...

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead

Turns out I can’t drive a bus very well when I’m drunk either

I needed to pick up paper, pens, and envelopes from the store, but I had no gas in my car so...

...I rode my stationery bike.

My Nokia slipped out of my hand and landed on top of my car so I took it to Best Buy

But they said they don’t fix cars

I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."

"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.

"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."

This morning I was in my car doing donuts in the parking lot at work

Now I have glaze all over my balls.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty"

Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally killed him as I backed my car out of the drive.

I guess, I'll have to look after the puppy myself now.

I always get nostalgic putting my car in reverse.

It really takes me back.

My car got too tired

It died of EXHAUSTion

My wife opened my car door for me

It would’ve been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 70 miles per hour.

I tried to take up Motorsport, but had to prove my car could run on meat juices

It was for a Stock Car race.

My car broke down...

My car broke down, so I decided to jack it.

I was arrested for indecent exposure.

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

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How I got my car

I was walking down the road when a beautiful woman in a swank car offered me a ride. Before I knew it, we were in the middle of the woods. She got out, took all her clothes off, and told me I could have whatever I wanted. So I took the car. Woulda looked ridiculous in her clothes, anyway.

Took my car to the shop.

I kept hearing a high pitched shrieking noise. The mechanic found a Mariah Carey Christmas CD stuck in the CD player.

I went to pick up my car

after a service & was told the keys had been locked in, and a mechanic is working to unlock the driver’s side door. I tried the passenger door & discovered it was unlocked.

I told the mechanic, “it’s open!” He replied: “I know. I already did that side.”.

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

I saw someone tip a bucket of mayonnaise on my car.

What the Hellman!

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

my car is innocent!

it wouldn’t Kia Soul

Today a 49er smashed my car with a pickaxe

Fortunately, it was only miner damage

I blew a speaker in my car today..

It was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot better about myself.

I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

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The navy trains dolphins

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that ...

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

I tried to rev up my car today

but in the end it’s clearly exhausted.

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

My car was on E. So i went to the gas station and put $40 in the tank.

Now it’s on E+.

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A bird shit on my car last night...

I won’t be taking her out again.

There's a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.

He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.

I've named my car Curiosity

That way I'm not lying when I say Curiosity killed our cat

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

I went to the petrol station to pump up my car tyre...

and the guy charged me 50p. I said “it was only 20p last week”. He said “that’s the price of inflation”

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Some JERK used his finger to draw penises in the dirt on my car!

I don’t know who did it, but they had a lot of balls!!!

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