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I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead

Turns out I can’t drive a bus very well when I’m drunk either

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

My local petrol station has newly introduced a 30p charge to use the air to pump up my car tyres

Well I guess that's inflation for you.

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One day I was having trouble starting my car and my neighbor comes over and says “need a jump?”

Then he called over three of his friends and kicked my ass.

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

I have just one question for my car’s gas cap…

Whose side are you on?

went to the gas station to pump up my car tire... and the guy charged me 50 cents. I said “it was only 20 gents last week”.

He said “that’s the price of inflation”

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as balls, there was a damn bus on my lawn and I don't know what the hell is goin...

I always get nostalgic putting my car in reverse.

It really takes me back.

There's a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.

He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.

I saw someone tip a bucket of mayonnaise on my car.

What the Hellman!

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Crashed my car recently.

I was in my car and started to drift to the side. I overcorrected and rolled my vehicle. The only thing broken was the glass. In other words, crash due to driver error; need to repair Windows.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel

I just can’t handle it anymore.

I found out the other day that my car is a big supporter of the LGBTQ community.

The mechanic even said it had a great trans mission.

I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI. They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We Are Going To Give You A Sobriety Test.
Me: OK

Officer: Say The Alphabet Starting At L, Backward.

Me: L At Starting Alphabet The.

They Let Me Go.

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Some JERK used his finger to draw penises in the dirt on my car!

I don’t know who did it, but they had a lot of balls!!!

I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic...

It was really awkward asking them for a hanger

I dented my car...

... so I took it to a dentist.

It’s really hot outside but fear not, my car has the deluxe 2fifty AC feature.

2 windows down, driving 50 miles per hour!

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

I sold my car

So I could buy some gas.

Today a 49er smashed my car with a pickaxe

Fortunately, it was only miner damage

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Whenever I purchase wild meat I always make sure I pack it in the back of my car.

I like to be ahead of the game.

The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.

That’s....sound advice.

Lost track of my work because I just heard my car was involved in a drive-by

My Focus is shot.

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car

Now everyone waves at me

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

I went to pick up my car

after a service & was told the keys had been locked in, and a mechanic is working to unlock the driver’s side door. I tried the passenger door & discovered it was unlocked.

I told the mechanic, “it’s open!” He replied: “I know. I already did that side.”.

A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

My car broke down, so I take it in and the guy says that he’s a quantum mechanic...

...So I ask him if he can fix my car, or not? And he says: “I don’t know, I’ll have to look at it!”

Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card

I only managed to get 10% off

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now...

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

People tried telling me I couldn't pull a trailer with my car

but it went off without a hitch.

Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner....

Hi, Norm and Max.

Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol

I hope that one day, I can turbocharge my car

But that’s just an aspiration

I maintain my car with the same level of diligence and care that I would maintain an aircraft.

Which is why they won't let me maintain aircraft.

I blew a speaker in my car today..

It was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot better about myself.

After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife.

She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"

I said, "That's the point."

Apparently I’ve been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo...

I won't get fueled again.

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I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it’s missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, “Do you have any idea why my car is humming?”

He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

My car was put into quarantine today

It had corollavirus

I once rode my car right into a group of people after shouting “I’m literally about to drive right into you guys!”

I guess they caught my drift.

I went to the mechanic to check my car, and they told me the pilot was too dense.

I asked, “how much will that cost to replace”?

I've decided I'm not going to use my car indicators anymore.

It's really nobody's business where I'm going.

It's hard for me to drive my car with loose wheels this month.

Afterall, it is No Nut November!

While driving my car, I accidentally ran over a kid carrying a cymbal...

Ba dum, Tsss.

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A bird shit on my car last night...

I won’t be taking her out again.

This drunk walks up to a cop and says "someone stole my car."

The cop says "well where was it?" And the guy says "It was right on the end of this key."

The cops thinks for a minute and says "I dunno man why dont you go on down to the station and report it there. They'll have you fill out all the proper forms and all that."

The guy says "alright"...

I really wish I knew who stole the jack from under my car I was working on...

The suspension is killing me...

I tried to rev up my car today

but in the end it’s clearly exhausted.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

My car got stolen yesterday !!

I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.

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I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now....

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How I got my car

I was walking down the road when a beautiful woman in a swank car offered me a ride. Before I knew it, we were in the middle of the woods. She got out, took all her clothes off, and told me I could have whatever I wanted. So I took the car. Woulda looked ridiculous in her clothes, anyway.

I can’t do anything right, so I decided to end it all. I turned on my car, sat in my closed garage, and waited.

I’ve been in my Tesla for 14 hours so far and still nothing.

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

I was driving down the road at night when a deer jumped in front of my car.

I slammed the brakes and he looked at me . I saw fear in his eyes .

Then he turned and ran for his deer life .

I drove to the local garage to fill my car up...

I noticed 2 police were watching a woman who was smoking while filling her car up. I thought, is she stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there?!

I minded my own business filled my car up and went inside to pay.

As I was paying for my fuel, I heard someone...

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Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the--

Car driving by: *HONK*

Me: Because if the--

Second car driving by: *HONK*

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the--

Third car driving by: *HOOONK*

Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cop...

Man: can you cook? Woman: can you change the oil in my car?

Man: not on an empty stomach

Elon Musk: Did you move my car?

Team: Yeah.

Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?

Team: Parking!?

When I returned to my car there was a compliment on my wind screen

It said “parking fine”

My wife opened my car door for me

It would have been a nice gesture if we weren't going 70mph.

My car broke down...

My car broke down, so I decided to jack it.

I was arrested for indecent exposure.

My car wouldn't start so I called my favorite middle eastern company to help me

Camel Tow

I was lost wandering by foot in Germany after my car broke down..

... When I came across a party where they were serving cheese and sausages. I suppose you could call it a wurst-Käse scenario.

I accidentally locked my keys inside my car outside of a planned parenthood

Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward.......

People, BEWARE. I had 2 tickets for the movie CATS inside my car...

...people broke the window and left 4 more.

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

my car is innocent!

it wouldn’t Kia Soul

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At age 70 I participated in my first demolition derby today and my tires flew off my car.

I guess it's time for me to retire.

When my friend asked me why I have a “Trump 2020” sticker on my car, I tell them it’s for financial reasons.

The cops never pull me over, because they assume that I’m white.

Took my car to a mechanic the other day...

I said "Can you fix my headlights?"

They reply "No!"

I respond, "Well, can you check my radiator?"

Again, "No!"

I turn to him and say "Well, what **do** you do,then?!"

He responds "We're a front for the IRA!"

"In that case..." I say. "... Can you blow up m...

Last week I was cleaning my car with my friend...

Then he asked if I could use a sponge

I always feel kind of poetic looking for my car in parking garages.

Is it 2B or... not 2B?

I removed the wheels from my car, and surprisingly I'm still able to drive it

you could say it's working tirelessly.

I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

No, I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse” next Thursday.

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

A drunk was walking down the street one night, when he goes up to a cop and says, “Officer, my car was stolen!”

The Cop asks “Ok, where did you last see you car?”

So the drunk says, “Right here at the end of this key”

The cop doesn’t want to deal with it so he says, “Ok sir, go down to the station and fill out the paperwork. But before you go, you should probably zip up your fly”

The drun...

My car wouldn't start so I tried to jump it.

Now I've got a dead battery *and* a broken rib.

I found striking similarities with my car and my girlfriend

Both don't exist.

My wife said I was overconfident by transporting Spanish desserts in the center console of my car. I didn't care.

But then the shift hit the flan.

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

I've named my car Curiosity

That way I'm not lying when I say Curiosity killed our cat

Bought a air fresher for my car today.

Now I just need to buy a car.

I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

I traded my car to get my interest rates lowered

It worked, women are now less interested in me.

As I parked my car for work, I didn't notice that I left the stick in neutral

Things only went downhill from there

Is it weird that I have a trashcan in my car?

My friend just looked at it and said that most people just call it a "back seat"

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Just renewed my car insurance over the phone, and as I was about to hang up the lass on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "I've got a dog."

She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "Fuck off, he can't fucking drive!"

I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

I gave the back of my car the day off

The poor thing was exhausted

This morning I was in my car doing donuts in the parking lot at work

Now I have glaze all over my balls.

The guy that fixes my car is a Scottish Canadian

He’s a McCanuck

I got robbed by robbers while driving my car the other day.

I guess you can call them the pirates of the car-I-be-in.

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common?

They are both in an advanced state of D composition.

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Every time a bird shits on my car.

I eat scrambled eggs on my porch to show them ass holes what I’m capable of.

I drove my car into a tree the other day...

I wanted to see how my Mercedes Benz.

I called my boss and told him I couldn't make it to work today because the wind had blown leaves onto my car in the night.



"So? Just wipe them off." he said.



"Well, they're still attached to the tree." I replied.

Last night I dreamt I was putting a muffler on my car

I woke up exhausted.

I hit somebody driving my car, and I dont feel bad at all.

I mean, wouldn't you punch somebody trying to steal your car too?

I was walking along a road after my car broke down and a passing car stopped to ask if I needed a ride and why I was walking.

Piston broke I answered....Us too come on buddy get in.

I slowed my car down before driving into a garage

I was arrested for braking and entering

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

My car broke down the other day and I tried to remember everything my dad taught me growing up

all I knew was “point the flashlight there”.

I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car

But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

[1st day as a cop] Captain: "why did you call for back up? " Me: "There was a fly in my car!"

Swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do!?"

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

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My girlfriend and I had sex in my car last night. Was pretty uncomfortable though...

... Maybe we should have dropped her parents off first.

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My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

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