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Mmmm Jokes

Mmmm... Sandwiches

My wife asked me just now (irl) if I wanted half of a PB&J, I said, "yeah, keep the P and the &"...

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Mmmm, that's nice.

Two little old ladies in the South were sitting on the porch sipping mint juleps one day. Betty Lou had come to visit Mary Jean for lunch at her beautiful country estate.

Mary Jean said to Betty Lou, "Oh Betty Lou, I'm just so pleased with mah adorin husbind - he went and bought us this beaaa...

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all t...

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Mmmm... Grass

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Long:Two old timers go ice fishing…

Two old timers, Lou and Mel, go ice fishing. They each compete against each other and so they dril ltheir holes in the ice exactly 50ft apart. Set up their chairs, drop their lines in, pour some coffee from their thermoses and wait for a bite. A young man comes along and sets up exactly between the...

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So a Genie appeared and said "I will grant you ONE wish."

I thought and thought and thought,and said "Here is a map of the countries of the middle east. They have been killing each other for thousands and thousands of years. Could you please bring peace to this one part of the world?
He said "Well,even for a Great Genie like me that's asking a little to...

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

What was the person who discovered milk thinking?

Mmmm, just like mom used to make

Two Roman gladiators are talking....

The one guy says, "Guess how many women I've slept with?"

The second guy goes, "Mmmm..."

The first dude goes, "Are you serious?! I'd be dead!"

What does Yoda say when he sees himself in 4k?

Mmmm HDMI

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Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

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A woman walks into a sex shop looking for a dildo.

She asks the clerk "How much for the white one?". He says "That one's $25." She asks "How much for the black one?" He says "That one's $45." She looks around for a bit then asks "Mmmm, how much for the plaid one?" Clerk responds "Ummm, that one's $65." "Great I'll take it." she says. The store owner...

Sven and Oli went ice fishing.

They had fished in this lake for decades, and they knew there were no more fish in the lake, but they went because they enjoyed going and getting away from their wives. After a while, a young kid came along and cut a hole in the ice under a tree, close to the shore. Sven and Oli looked at each other...

Year 4000 will be a delicious year.

MMMM

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

During Math class teacher asks.....

Teacher : What is 4000 in Roman Numerals?

Me : Mmmm....

Teacher : Well done!

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Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for...

A child asked his mom, "Mom how did I get my name?"

"Well Rose, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head, so we called you Rose"

Another child came up to her " Mom how did you get my name?"

"Well Daisy, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on you, so that's what we called you.

Child 3: "Mmmm Uuuuuuuuuu Mmmmmmmmm Eeeee...

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3 sinners want to be saved.

Three sinners walk into a Catholic church wanting to be saved.

The priest tells them "go out, commit a sin, come back tomorrow, tell us your sin and then drink this holy water and you will be saved."

They all leave and commit a sin.

The next day they all come back to the churc...

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Jumper cable joke

A guy from the country has some work to do in the city. It's all paperwork and he hates that shit. When he finally gets everything finished he decides to stop and have a beer before driving back home.

Unfortunately, the first place he stops is a posh fern bar. The bartender goes, "Dude, I ...

A family of moles lives in a hole outside a farm...

Then one morning as the farmer was cooking breakfast, the daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole and said "Mmmm I smell bacon" then the mommy mole stuck her head out of the hole and said "Mmmm I smell pancakes" the little baby mole was curious and tried SO HARD to hop up so he can smell what ever...

What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?

"mmmm"

So I went to see the Dr. he asks: “And what seems to be the problem?"

A little embarrassed, I replied “ Well I seem to have a small lettuce leaf growing out of my back passage Dr!"

At which point he instructed me to drop my trousers while he had a quick look.

“Mmmm . . . I’m afraid I’m going to have to call an ambulance and have you rushed into hospital...

A joke about heaven

A woman died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter said “Yes?”
“I want to come in please”.....”Name?”......”Smith.”....”Know anyone here who will vouch for you”? .... “Mmmm, my husband maybe”? “Have you any idea how many men named Smith we have up here, is there any way to help identi...

Three moles dig their way to IHOP

The first mole pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmm I smell pancakes!"
The second moles pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmmm I smell coffee!"
The third mops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "all I smell is molasses.."

The Native American Hitchhiker

A man is driving home from work one night when he sees an Indian Chief hitchhiking.
Feeling sorry for the old man, he pulls over to pick him up.
The Native says nothing for a good five minutes. He then, noticing a bottle of Jack Daniel’s on the passenger floor, grunts “mmmm, good whiskey”....

Whats the Slogan for every I.T. Department in America?

"Mmmm. Move Over."

The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...

... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash yo...

I told my doctor I was having trouble sleeping

I told my doctor I was having trouble sleeping and he suggested I try white noise. Unfortunately not only did it make my sleep worse, I've also had *Mmmm Bop* stuck in my head now for the last three days.

An American tourist arrives in Rome....

...and takes a taxi to take a tour of the city.

Taxi driver takes him first in front of the Colosseum.

tourist: what is this?

taxi driver: this is the Colosseum

tourist: How long did it take to build it?

taxi driver: I do not know .... a few years ...

touris...

A cowboy walks into a deserted bar...

He sidles up and says, "whiskey, barkeep."


The bartender gives him a whiskey, and the cowboy sips in silence. He looks up and says, "Man. It is *dead* in here. Where the hell is everyone?"


And the barkeep says, "Oh, everyone is out at the hangin'!"


"Well I'll be. Who...

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A 70 year old woman walks into a sex shop...

..And asks the shopkeeper:

" -Do you happen to have any vibrators?"

" -Yes ma'am, they're on that shelf."

" -Mmmm, I think I'll take the red one."

" -It's the shelf above the fire extinguisher, ma'am."

Obama died, and, as usual for any president, he was lead to the hell.

Satan looked at him “ Mmmm, I can see that you have been elected twice as President. Also, you are one of a kind. So, I am giving you a rare opportunity. You can see the other inmates in hell and select your eternal fate. If you chose their fate, they will be sent to heaven”.

With nothing to ...

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Grandma loves Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who shou...

Lost Dog

Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm...

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A cannibal walks into the cannibal butcher shop

A cannibal walks into the cannibal butcher shop. He's checking out the goods behind the glass. Human legs, human arms, ribs... Isn't sure what he's in the mood for. At the end of the line, he sees some brains in separate piles. Mmmm... Brains sound pretty good he thinks. When he walks over he n...

A blind guy walks in a diner...

He sits down at a table and the owner comes up to him.
"Hello sir, goodevening would you like to see a menu or do you know what you want?"
To which the man replies," I'm sorry I'm blind but I'll tell you what, bring me a dirty fork from for recommended plate."
Confused, but interested th...

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Donald Trump has a problem.

Donald Trump has a problem.

He's had a long life of being a rich playboy, womanizer, having lots of sex. Recently, however, no matter what he does, he can't have an orgasm. He's tried sexy outfits for Melania, Viagra, porn, porn *stars,* Japanese massage parlors, fleshlights, pills from the...

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Catfood

So this woman has her bridge club every Thursday night, and after a peaceful game or three with the ladies she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game, she has an incredible hand, when she notices the time.

"Oh, no! I ...

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Little Johnny is visiting his grandparents...

...during his summer vacation. The very first night after dinner he sees his grandpa enjoying a glass of scotch in his study. Johnny asks, "hey grandpa whatcha drinkin?" To which grandpa replies, "this is called whiskey Johnny." Johnny then asks, "can I try some?" With a smirk, Grandpa asks, "well, ...

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