This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved their hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to their face and a gasp of horror escaped their mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller ...

Karen's 911 call

Karen was cleaning Kyle's rifle and shot him by accident. She calls 911.

"It's my husband," said Karen. "I've accidentally shot him... I've killed him," she sobbed.

"Please calm down, ma'am," the 911 operator tried to sooth her. "Can you please make sure he's actually dead?"
...

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm hand guy and a blond farm girl.

The guy decides to piss in the bushes but sees some bees in the flowers, he pisses on them, and one stings him in the dick. He runs into the house in pain, opens the fridge to find something cold and soothing, settles on a yogurt container and sticks his dick in.

As he's standing there he not...

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time and I was so nervous. Fear rode me like a well versed Jockey. But people do it all the time right? It can't be that bad....
and that comfort and satisfaction at the end should be well worth any pain I receiv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.

Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her

a lot upset

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center.

Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends Jack and John, both having piles since quite a time, met for a regular evening walk..

Two friends Jack and John, both having piles (haemorrhoids) since a considerable time, met for a regular evening walk and sat down. Jack said, "Today I met an amazing doctor, he really treated me well and my ass is really soothing today.". John said, " Same here friend, I too met a kind and nice doc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"


"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.

"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.

"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The waiter's thumb

One day John goes to a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. The waiter gets it and keeps it on the table. John notices that the waiter had put his thumb in the coffee on the way to his table. He gets irritated and asks the waiter.

Waiter explains, "I have a skin infection on the finger so ...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

I lost an eye as a child when a large book fell from a shelf onto my face as I slept.

I hold no remorse though. Ironically the book that blinded me taught me the very path to justice that soothed my anger.

Good old bble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doing the Boss

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"

"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The b...

Peaceful Place

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I have sunburn I take viagra

It doesn't soothe the pain but it keeps to bed sheets off my legs

This made me laugh so hard

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

Doctor

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to re...

So Jesus is up on the cross, and James, his most faithful disciple. kneels at his feet, trying to comfort him in his last hours.

Soon Jesus, exhausted, says softly "James... James...."

James, trying to comfort the Lord, soothes him "I am here Lord, save your strength"

Jesus falls silent. A little later He says again, "James... James... are you there...."

"Yes, my Lord, I am here" answers James "Be still ...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The creation of woman.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Tw...

You'll have to travel to Oxford

A bloke goes into the jobcentre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The jobcentre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I'...

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At t...

A man walked into a bar and sat down

A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching Childbith

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

"Oh, no," the man shook his head.

The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.

As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The hypnotist

A renowned hypnotist is attempting a mass hypnotism in a large auditorium. There are over 15,000 people there listening with rapt attention. The hypnotist pulls out a very nice golden pocket watch and holds it up for the entire crowd to see. He begins by saying:
"This is a watch passed down from ...

There was once a little blind girl...

... and more then anything in the world she wanted to be able to see again. "Mummy Mummy!" she would say, "when will i be able to see again?"and her mother would reply "well my darling, there are doctors working at this very instant on a cream which will make your eyes all better again! And we can g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Simpson's joke.

A man walks into a bar, and sits down on a barstool, placing a small brown bag on the counter next to him. He signals to the bartender and then proceeds to down 3 shots of scotch.

The bartender, being no fool asks, “Hey man what’s wrong?”

Without replying the man slowly reaches over an...

Harry cannot get this voice of guilt out of his head...

It is just engulfing him whole knowing what he’s done.

Then, a soothing voice comes along in his head and says “it’s okay harry, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients.”

Unfortunately for him, another voice sweeps him back to reality.

“Harry, you’re a ve...

A man dies and goes to Rock N' Roll Heaven..( semi-long)

Upon arrival he is immersed immediately in all the sights and sounds of everything from classic rock to modern anything you would want to listen to, experience and see in person LIVE that you may of missed during your life on Earth.

He looks over and sees Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Randy Rhodes,...

Neglected Little Cornflake

There's a little cornflake in the cornflake box, sitting on the table. This cornflake, like all others, wants only to be eaten, that's his goal, his purpose.
He knows that today is his day, he hears the man of the house comes down the stairs, coming for his breakfast. The man sits at the table an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can't sleep at all...

One morning a doctor received the most laggard looking patient he had ever seen. "I can't sleep", said the patient. "The dogs in the street outside my window bark all night long -- and its driving me mad!"

"There now", said the doctor soothingly. "Try using these new sleeping pills."

A...

A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.

The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."

The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timmy meets his future self...

Little Timmy was awakened from a sound sleep to a bright flash and a strange capsule like object in his bedroom. As Timmy cowered with his sheet pulled up to his chin, a door opened and out stepped a man who was the adult version of Timmy. In a soothing voice he told Timmy that he was his future s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hypnotist at the senior's center

One day the local senior's center brought in a hypnotist to entertain the elderly. He pulled out an old family heirloom pocket watch and waved it back and forth, slowly, repeating 'watch the watch' in a calm, soothing voice.
Back and forth it went, 'watch the watch, watch the watch' until the wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weary man walks into a bar...

Inside it's warm and someone out of sight is playing a piano. The music soothes the man and the weight of the world is totally lifted from his shoulders. It's so soft and lilting he feels like he's bathing in it.

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer.

"Hey," he says to bartender, "W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a diner and orders a cup of coffee...

When the waitress sets the cup down in front of him, he notices that she's holding the cup in such a way that her thumb is literally *in* the liquid. Disgusted, but not wanting to cause a scene, he politely asks for a different cup and doesn't point out her faux pas. The waitress looks at him curiou...

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator...

The Storks

Two storks were sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork was crying and crying, and the father stork was doing his very best to console his child. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will be home soon. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." Later that evenin...

The gift.

Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.

"This is quite soothing,” the woman said, "but please don’t tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."

"I understand," replied the good man.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a dark and starry night……

A man was driving down a road through a dark forest, when suddenly his car broke down. It was getting very late, so the man decided to scout the area on foot. He gets his flashlight and starts walking. He finds a monastery nearby. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car bro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.

"Hey monkey" he yells.

T...

Abner was seated at his wife's sickbed

Abner was seated at his wife's sickbed, weeping uncontrollably, when his wife, mustering the dregs of her strength, drew herself up to one elbow. 'Abner,' she whispered, 'Abner, I cannot go to my Maker without confessing my misdeed.' 'Not now,' muttered the stricken husband. 'Not now, my dear. Lie b...

Grief

The grief-stricken man threw himself across the grave and cried bitterly, "My life, how senseless it is! How worthless is everything about me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex Shop

The sales girl at the Sex Shop didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"I don't think it's any of your business," answered the customer, beet red and slightly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny goes camping

Little Johnny's Second Grade class is going camping for a class field trip. As nighttime comes, all the children get set up in their tents and get ready to fall asleep. A few hours go by, a storm approaches and thunder begins clapping, and little Johnny can't seem to sleep. Little Johnny gets out of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man of the House

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man of Your House.

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will pr...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.