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Lightening Jokes

Did you hear about the lightening bug that ran into the bug zapper?

He was delighted.

What does a cow think when it sees another cow get struck by lightening?

Moo

I got a new job as a carpenter.

The boss told me I’m like lightening with a hammer. Thanks, I said, is it because I’m so fast? No, he said, it’s because you never hit the same spot twice.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf...

And they were having a hard time because they were constantly being distracted and disrupted by another group of golfers who were playing very badly.

"Why are they even being allowed to golf here?" the doctor asked their caddie.

"Well," said the caddie, " They used to be firefighters....

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.

Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”

Thanks in advance!

A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone.

A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone, at the table next to his.

Suddenly, she sneezes and a glass eye flies out of its socket!

With his lightening fast reflexes, as it hurtled past the man, he catches it from mid air and hands it back to the lady.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying through the city and see Lois naked

With her legs wide open. Superman swoops down at lightening speed, ducks her and flys away in a blink of an eye.

The invisible man says "we have to do this another time Lois, my ass suddenly really hurts"

An American Indian man goes into town...

He walks in to the local administration building and enquirers about having a name change.

He is pointed to the right clerk, who ask him what his given name is.

The young warrior says:
"Among my people, I am called Very fast arrow that overtakes wind and is quicker than lightening...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man play golf

On the tenth hole Moses hits the ball first but the ball cuts and heads towards the pond, quickly Moses jams his club into the ground and the water parts and the ball lands on the bottom of the pond on dry ground.

Next Jesus goes and likewise the ball heads towards the pond but as it hits the...

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of their computer.

This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. God said, "cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours, after which I will judge who has done the better job."

So they sat at their keyboards and typed away.

They moused away.

The...

Three men die with a smile on their faces.

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.

V: “What happened to your husband?”

W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad went to play golf...

On a sunny Saturday afternoon and was randomly paired up with a priest. On the first hole, dad missed a three foot putt for par and said to himself "G*d damn it, I missed!"

The priest said to him "My son, please do not take the lord's name in vain."

On the second hole, my dad missed a...

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