What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

I fell in love with a kleptomaniac

She stole my heart

Why can't you tell a joke to a kleptomaniac?

They take things, literally

Don't judge a kleptomaniac...

Until you've walked a mile in their brother's shoes.

Why did they cancel Kleptomaniacs Anonymous?

Because the sponsor at the most recent meeting asked if anybody wanted to take a seat.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

I have a hard time talking to kleptomaniacs.

They’re always taking things literally.

I’m a kleptomaniac with a proclivity for stealing strategy board games.

I like to take Risks.

I’m a recovering kleptomaniac looking to open up my restaurant later this year. Got a job yesterday and used my earnings to pay for a Chinese cooking pan.

It ain’t much, but it’s honest wok.

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

If I called you a narcoleptic kleptomaniac

Would you take it lying down?

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today...

Unfortunately he kept taking things literally.

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...

I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

A kleptomaniac walk into a bathroom

He takes a shower

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous

Yesterday, I attended a meeting for people suffering from kleptomania. When I walked in the room, a man greeted me and told me to take a seat, so I did. As I was leaving, he told me to put it back or he was gonna call the cops.

How many kleptomaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They say they don't have any lightbulbs.

Why cant you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

They will steal it and it will be on the front page of Reddit tomorrow.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniac


As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights...

And that guy's rights... And his pen...

I'm 95% sure I'm either a kleptomaniac or a charitable person

Give or take a few percent...

What did the sociopath say to the kleptomaniac?

Im gonna steal your heart.

I think I might be a Kleptomaniac.....

Should I take something to control it?

I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart..

... and kidney.

I'm a kleptomaniac

Sometimes it gets really bad and I have to take something for it.

Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store?

He was lifting their spirits

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why is it so hard to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They don't understand the subtle nuances of the English language, so they can't pick up on the double entendres needed to appreciate a good pun. It may be a generalization, but in my experience that's how it works out.

A kleptomaniac never appreciated how he could exchange stolen goods for rocks.

He took things for granite.

It's hard to make jokes to a kleptomaniac

Cause they take everything seriously

According to Carl Jung, I should live life like a kleptomaniac hooker...

...and take things as they come.

I'm beginning to believe that my road worker friend is a kleptomaniac..

So I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

I've dated a lot of fat kleptomaniacs in my time.

But this one takes the cake.

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous:

Helping people to help themselves

A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor.

She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"

Have you heard about the kleptomaniac that robbed that fish market?

They say he did it, "just for the halibut."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person that steals something on impulse? A kleptomaniac. What do you call a person that has sex on impulse? A nymphomaniac. What do you a person that's both?

A fuckin thief.

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to the theater the other day?

He stole the show!

I went to the doctor and told him I thought I might be a kleptomaniac.

He said, "Here, take these pills."

So I took them.

I tried telling a pun to a group of kleptomaniacs..

..but they kept taking things literally

So a kleptomaniac goes to see a doctor about his stealing problem.

Patient: Doc, I just can't seem stop stealing everything.

Doc: Please take a seat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A murderer, a kleptomaniac, and a homosexual are standing before Peter at the Pearly Gates...

Just before Peter turns them away to burn for the rest of eternity. The murderer exclaims, "Holy Saint, give us another chance!"

Peter, in his mercy, thinks for a minute and decides, "Very well. I will send the three of you back to earth for a second chance, but the moment you commit your sin...

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