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Kleptomaniac Jokes

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...

I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament

I took gold, silver and bronze.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

A kleptomaniac signed up for a cooking class,

He wanted to take a whisk.

I fell in love with a kleptomaniac

She stole my heart

What do you get when you cross Superman with a kleptomaniac?

A man of steal!

Why do kleptomaniacs hate puns

because they always take things, literally

I've been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I've been taking all kinds of stuff for it

What did the kleptomaniac necromancer say?

I am a real heart stealer, you know?

I hate when people call me a Kleptomaniac

I prefer... 'Man of STEAL'

I went to a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night..

I went to grab a chair but they were already taken.

I kissed a Kleptomaniac and..

..she took my breath away!

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

A kleptomaniac walks into a bar

a kleptomaniac walks into a bar and orders 5 martinis. "Five is an awful lot," the bartender remarks. "Yes," the klepto agrees, "but at these prices they're a steal."

As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights...

And that guy's rights... And his pen...

I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today...

Unfortunately he kept taking things literally.

Don't judge a kleptomaniac...

Until you've walked a mile in their brother's shoes.

I'm a kleptomaniac

Sometimes it gets really bad and I have to take something for it.

I once knew a very humourless kleptomaniac.

He always took things literally.

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

Why did they cancel Kleptomaniacs Anonymous?

Because the sponsor at the most recent meeting asked if anybody wanted to take a seat.

If I called you a narcoleptic kleptomaniac

Would you take it lying down?

What did the sociopath say to the kleptomaniac?

Im gonna steal your heart.

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

I’m a kleptomaniac with a proclivity for stealing strategy board games.

I like to take Risks.

A kleptomaniac walk into a bathroom

He takes a shower

Why cant you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

They will steal it and it will be on the front page of Reddit tomorrow.

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous:

Helping people to help themselves

Why can't you tell a joke to a kleptomaniac?

They take things, literally

A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor.

She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

According to Carl Jung, I should live life like a kleptomaniac hooker...

...and take things as they come.

What does an empathetic kleptomaniac do in an argument?

He puts himself in the other person's shoes and then walks away.

A kleptomaniac never appreciated how he could exchange stolen goods for rocks.

He took things for granite.

I'm beginning to believe that my road worker friend is a kleptomaniac..

So I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

I've dated a lot of fat kleptomaniacs in my time.

But this one takes the cake.

How many kleptomaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They say they don't have any lightbulbs.

Why is it so hard to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They don't understand the subtle nuances of the English language, so they can't pick up on the double entendres needed to appreciate a good pun. It may be a generalization, but in my experience that's how it works out.

I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart..

... and kidney.

I went to the doctor and told him I thought I might be a kleptomaniac.

He said, "Here, take these pills."

So I took them.

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

I’m a recovering kleptomaniac looking to open up my restaurant later this year. Got a job yesterday and used my earnings to pay for a Chinese cooking pan.

It ain’t much, but it’s honest wok.

So a kleptomaniac goes to see a doctor about his stealing problem.

Patient: Doc, I just can't seem stop stealing everything.

Doc: Please take a seat...

Why can't a schizophrenic kleptomaniac become President?

He always takes office clothes.

I tried telling a pun to a group of kleptomaniacs..

..but they kept taking things literally

Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to the theater the other day?

He stole the show!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A murderer, a kleptomaniac, and a homosexual are standing before Peter at the Pearly Gates...

Just before Peter turns them away to burn for the rest of eternity. The murderer exclaims, "Holy Saint, give us another chance!"

Peter, in his mercy, thinks for a minute and decides, "Very well. I will send the three of you back to earth for a second chance, but the moment you commit your sin...

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