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What’s the difference between a rooster and a nymphomaniac?

The rooster says “cock-a-doddle-doo”.

The nymphomaniac says “any-cock-‘ll-do”

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

How do you cure a Nymphomaniac?

Wedding cake.

I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.

And I'm left with the maniac.

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Something you never hear a nymphomaniac say:

"give me a fucking break"

Every guy likes to think he's marrying a nymphomaniac..

Then after the honeymoon, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

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The girl in the room across the across the hall is an insatiable nymphomaniac and the best lay I've ever had!

But we have to fuck quietly so we don't wake our mum and dad.

I recently became friends with a nymphomaniac

It was a bit weird at first, but lately she started rubbing off on me.

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What’s the difference between an incontinent nymphomaniac and an epileptic corn farmer?

One shits and fucks and the other shucks in fits.

What do you call a Native American nymphomaniac?

Spread Eagle

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What's the difference between a rooster and a nymphomaniac?

The rooster crows : **"Cock-a-doodle-doo"**

The nymphomaniac goes :**"Any-Cock-will-dooo"**

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What does a partially deaf nymphomaniac says after sex?

Come again?

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So a nymphomaniac walks into a sex shop....

After a while she turns to the clerk and says "I'll take the red one"

The clerk says "it's not for sale."

When she asks why he says "Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher."

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A nymphomaniac goes to the grocery store

and gets horny looking at all of the cucumbers and savory meats. When the hot bag boy offers to carry her groceries to the car she can’t help herself, and whispers in his ear, “hey, I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

He says, “you’ll have to tell me what color, ma’am, because all these Japanese cars l...

What says the nymphomaniac's right leg to her left leg, at the end of spring break ?

"Long time no see !"

Every married man thinks hes married a nymphomaniac before he was married

Then after a few years the nympho disappears and just leaves the maniac

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Did you hear the one about the omnipresent nymphomaniac?

He's fucking EVERYWHERE.

What is a nymphomaniac's favorite soda?

Mountain Dew

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Once upon a time there lived a king and his nymphomaniac queen

King wasn't into sex but the queen has the burning desire to get f**ked in a hard way. She started to release herself by having sex with all the royal guards one at a time. Few days later king got wind of this news and was furious. He drugged his queen and with help of royal surgeon he implanted her...

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What's the difference between nymphomaniacs and Nintendo fans?

Nothing - they both lose their shit when they hear the word "smash".

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What did the gluttonous homosexual nymphomaniac do on a Friday night?

He had five guys... and then he had Five Guys!

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The nymphomaniac

The nymphomaniac said to her friend "I've got an odd problem -- every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."


Her friend asks "What are you taking for it?"


"Sniffing pepper" The Nympho replies

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A pansexual enters a room full of obese nymphomaniacs

No one has room to judge.

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Did you hear about the nymphomaniac parrot?

She liked a cock or two.

How do nymphomaniacs like their barbecue ribs?

Bonin'.

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What do you call a person that steals something on impulse? A kleptomaniac. What do you call a person that has sex on impulse? A nymphomaniac. What do you a person that's both?

A fuckin thief.

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A man sits next to a pretty woman on an airplane. While they’re in the air he makes conversation...

... “so where are you flying to”? He asks.

*im going to a nymphomaniacs’ convention*

“Really” he says

*yes, I’m a teacher there... I teach about sex*

“Interesting” he says

*im doing a lecture about sexual stereotypes... for instance, everybody always says that blac...

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What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac?

A fucking thief!

How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

As many as will fit.

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

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The difference

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a prostitute. A nymphomaniac says, "you're not done yet". A prostitute says" aren't you done yet". And a wife says"beige I think I'll paint the ceiling beige".

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Four guys and a girl get stranded on an island

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each ...

What's a nymphomaniac's favorite candy bar?

Almond joy.

What do nymphomaniacs do when they're cold?

Put on a sweater and jacket

A State Government Employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him ...

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Welfare Office

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE  collecting welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man ...

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man goes to his doctor...

man goes to his doctor and begins to explain

"Doctor, I have a problem. My wife is a nymphomaniac and we have to have sex at least twice before she'll let me go to work. My secretary is also a nympho, and we usually have sex late morning and mid afternoon in the stationery cupboard. Sometimes...

Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?





A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let’s just be friends."

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Voodoo Dick

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.


One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a s...

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Older man and Viagra

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. He asks for the largest dose the doctor can prescribe. The doctor asks, "why so much?" The man says, "two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place." The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the man co...

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What's the difference between a fake sex addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?

One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!

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I was going through a messy divorce and getting screwed by my wife&'s lawyer when I found an old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

"Thank you for freeing me" he said. "In return I grant you 3 wishes"

"Oh! this is great," I said. "For my first one I wish I had an inexaustable supply of cash"


Puff! A wallet full of $20 notes appeared. "No matter how much you take out, it will always be full" said the genie....

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I thought that people asking me what my body count is were asking how many people I've killed, not how many people I've had sex with;

Now everyone thinks I'm some sort of nymphomaniac

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NSFW The Voodoo Dick.

A man married to a nymphomaniac is going on a business trip, and he is worried his wife is going to cheat on him. So he decides to buy her a toy in the hopes of keeping her satisfied until he gets back. He goes to the neighborhood sex shop and explains his situation the the store owner. The owner gr...

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The Voo Doo Dick Joke!!! (NSFW)

I think maybe alot of people have heard this, but i did a search on jokes and didn't see it, so for those who haven't, enjoy.

EDIT: K, before anyone says anything, i googled this and found that user sean7755 actually posted his own version of this first, so no offense to him, and i'll leave ...

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Prayers

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when ...

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Good ol' Granpa

Grandpa had just told them the news - he was getting engaged to a twenty five year old nymphomaniac.

The family was very concerned. His eldest daughter spoke confidentially to him.

"Dad, we're most concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove fatal."

"So what?", said G...

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I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...

I moved over and asked her why she was crying.

"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.

I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cu...

Polynesian

Hey, ever heard of the homesick, nymphomaniac Polynesian girl? Yeah, she kept longing for Samoa....

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Scouser walks into the jobcentre and informs the woman behind the desk that he is looking for a job.

Woman: Perfect timing. Just had this one come in. Its the minder to a billionaires nymphomaniac teenage daughter. No experience necessary. £100k pa and a Bentley as a company car

Scouse: You've got to be fucking kidding me!

Wamn: Well you started it.

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