I'm Jokes - 153 Hilarious I'm Jokes

I'm appalled and really can't believe all the tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine.

Seriously, how can people sink so low?

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

Doctor : I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

Please help me I'm trapped. In a Haiku factory.

Save me before they

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

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"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

I'm surprised that so many jokes here are tagged NSFW.

As if any of you had a job.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

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I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

A middle-aged married couple live in a small house on the beach. One afternoon they get into a huge fight. The woman says to the man, "I'm so angry I can't even stand to look at you right now," and hands him a large bucket.

"Go down to the beach and fill that bucket up with snails for tonight's dinner," The woman tells her husband, "and once you've done that maybe I'll be able to stand being around you again."

The man reluctantly agrees and heads down to the beach with the bucket. It takes him several hours, bu...

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

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I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

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My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.

Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

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I'm the toughest.

Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"

The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's n...

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico.

Not by choice though.

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."

\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country

If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.

This is not a political post. I just want to travel.

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I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes.

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"

Me: "And?"

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan, I'm then stranded alone on a desert island....

... and there's nobody to tell.

I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

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I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

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A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.

Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

I'm writing a book on how tornados and hurricanes develop....

At the moment it's just a draft.

I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.

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I'm an ass man. Addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died

Husband: Who, Ray?

Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies

(My 7 year old came up with this joke)

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I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

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I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

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I told my therapist I'm afraid my girlfriend will cheat on me because I'm not that good in bed

He said "We have to work on your thrust issues"

I'm not racist but..

I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine"

Then I realized mine is at home, polishing my shoes

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I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch

I'm starting to doubt my marriage

A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said:

\- 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, ma...

"I'm dating a biologist," said the man...

"And I don't like to brag, but when I go over to her place, she always has multiple organisms."

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

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I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she has ever been with. She said yes

All the others were nines and tens.

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

A suicidal geologist says "I'm going to jump off this cliff"

I said "Don't listen to him, it's a bluff"

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'...

I'm not thrilled my wife is into bondage

but my hands are tied

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

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(NSFW)I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....

What do I do next?

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

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An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit.

I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.

I'm obsessed with buying beatles albums

I need help!

Not NSFW: Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

I'm going to freeze myself -273.15°

My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

I'm making a graph of my past relationships...

I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like ...

I'm rich!

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "It's finally happened!" he exclaims. "I've made enough money that I don't have to work for the rest of the year!"

I had an email from the state lottery telling me I'm a loser

I didn't even buy a ticket!

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.

(Edit: an article or the two)

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

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