UPJOKE

I Love Jokes

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied.

What, no nickname for me? She asked.

Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

I love the taste of clocks but…

Eating them is time consuming

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It makes my day.

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

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A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis.

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep

"What did you say?" said the farmer

"You herd me" said the sheep

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I love my wife

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.


One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

I love the expression 'As American as apple pie'

Because there isn't anything more American then copying other cultures and pretend its American

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people appreciate public displays of affection.

I love bad eyeball jokes

the cornea the better!

I love that my wife is a golf enthusiast

When I finish in 3 strokes, she's proud of me!

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”



The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.

Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

I love abortions

They really bring out the kid in you

I love synonym rolls

Just like grammar used to make!

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

I love getting a BJ on my Birthday.

A good birthday joke really makes my day.

You know what I love about ambiguity?

Stuff.

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

I love whiteboards.

They're remarkable.

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

"I love you," I said. "Do you love me too?"

"Yes," my wife replied. "On a scale of 1-10 that sounds about right."

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

Blind Man: I love this half sandwich restaurant

Me: What do you mean? They only serve full sand...

Service Dog: (puts a paw on my lips)

I love the US Congress.

It's the best Congress that money can buy.

I love putting books in alphabetical order

Bkoos

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food I'm preparing.

I love telling dad jokes...

Sometimes he laughs

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

in mexico, we don't say "I love you"

cause we dont speak english.

I love watching Friends!

Especially at night. Through their bedroom window.

She asked me why I love her.

I said it's because of your keen insight and large handbags...


In other words, your perspicacity and purse capacity.

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The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

I Love how music takes me to another place.

For example, when Lady Gaga is playing at a bar, I immediately move to another.

I love my job

I get to serve several meals each day

I meet tons of facinating people

I always smile and ask " Wanna eat it here, or take it home ?
"
Though i'm met with a offensive remark each time, its still worth it.

God i love serving food in prison.

I love my wife so much...

That if we were an a sinking boat, and there was only one life jacket, I would really miss her and think of her a lot.

I love doing stand up comedy at the retirement homes.

And I know I'm really good because they laugh at the same jokes every week.

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

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There’s two things that I love in this world…

tits

There are 3 things that I love:

The Oxford Comma, irony, and missed opportunities.

I love German humor

It's no laughing matter.

My dad asked me, “Do you know what I love about the book War and Peace?”

Me: Not really.

Dad: Well, it’s a long story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love my children more than life itself...

And I can barely fucking stand my kids.

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

I love my cousin, like many of the jokes here

She’s twice removed.

I Love sleeping naked

They don't understand at work.

I love to make lists.

I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list when I'm at the store.

I love the new trend in streaming films; the hero always gets the girl in the end.

And he’s never sure which end.

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I love clarified butter but it makes me urinate way too frequently

Ghee whizz

I love women with tattoos

It shows a history of poor decision making which generally works in my favor.

Hopefully this isn't a repost, but I love this one.

A group of men are changing in locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?"

"Yeah, what's ...

I love living near a university.

The women never get older.

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I love getting my back scratched! I might like it more than getting a blowjob...

Maybe it's because I can't scratch my own back.

I love Sweden and I love goats...

So, I went to the website goat.se... let's just say it was not what I expected.

I love my job

So I was at work one night, doing the usual grind and all, when suddenly I saw a little girl crying. I asked her "whats wrong? Where are your parents?" And she just started crying even more!

God I love working at an orphanage.

I’m not racist, in fact, I love all races!

Even the bad ones.

I love this time of year, the lead up to Christmas

When your partner walks into the room you can slam your laptop shut and you don't get any disgusted looks.

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I love my job

I suck at my job and my boss is a dick

I Love You..

HUSBAND: I LOVE YOU..
WIFE : I Love You Too, Infact
Love You So Much I Will Fight
The Whole World For You..
HUSBAND : But You Fight With
Me The Most
WIFE : Because You Are The
World To Me..

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I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunett...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cucumber, The Pickle, and The Penis (I Love This Joke)

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar...

Man, I love my furniture.

Me and my recliner go way back.

I love the smell of moth balls...

but it's so hard to hold their little legs apart.

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you

I love my 2 dogs Rolex and Timex.

They’re watchdogs

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

I love my vegetarian-only diet.

Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They're all vegetarians and they're delicious!!

I love short bread.

It's a shame, I heard they're not making it any longer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

I love volcanoes. My girl doesn't.

Don't know if I lava anymore.

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

I love hearing accountants tell jokes.

Especially when they’re self depreciating.

(OC by me)

I love 50 Cent

Or as we call him in Venezuela, 60 billion bolívar

There’s nothing I love more than eggs with extra-durable yolks.

They just can’t be beaten.

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

I love doggy style

I sit up and beg while my girlfriend lies down and plays dead.

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

I love Netflix's audio logo

It's the best part of most of their original content.

I love reddit

I love reddit, but does anyone know if there's a version with new content?

I love her eco-friendly body.

Very little waist.

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